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When I show you a picture on my iPhone, you're allowed one swipe in either direction before I have a freak out.
What do we want?
When do we want them?
Starting a Mexican boy band named Juan Direction.
Snooki's baby daddy has already suggested a Jersey Shore name for their unborn child, "The Abortion."
If you fart while peeing on someone, it's called a golden thunderstorm.
When a cop pulls you over & says that he smells pot. Tell him he who smelt it, dealt it & then citizens arrest him.
Adele and Taylor Swift should date each other, break up and then sing a duet about it.
For the cost of a cup of coffee, you can save one child. Or for the cost of this commercial, we could've saved 5,000 children.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Justin Bieber gets 85K retweets for tweeting "Big night ahead". I'd settle for 85. Let's see what happens.
Big night ahead.
Free business idea: Female owned law firm & Japanese restaurant called "She Sue Sushi." (Our lawyers are slammin & so is our salmon)
is it racial profiling when a waiter in a chinese restaurant gives me a fork?
I'm never gonna tell the person I'm meeting up with that you said hi.
If I invented cereal, I would've named it breakfast soup.
I really don't think that I have attention deficit disorder me a pizza please?
Just masturbated all over my autobiography. That's my story & I'm sticking to it.
Every camera focused on Beyonce upskirt angles, hoping for another lip sync scandal.
I heard that Keith Urban and John Legend are brothers. Or is that just an Urban Legend?
I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this.
Host, producer & writer of the Grammy Award winning http://DecentlyFunny.com podcast.