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Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I've done in my entire life.
Starting a Mexican boy band named Juan Direction.
Snooki's baby daddy has already suggested a Jersey Shore name for their unborn child, "The Abortion."
I hate everyone younger & more successful than me.
And older & more successful.
And everyone less successful.
I hate you guys.
What's the name of that movie where Russell Brand plays himself in every movie.
If you fart while peeing on someone, it's called a golden thunderstorm.
When a cop pulls you over & says that he smells pot. Tell him he who smelt it, dealt it & then citizens arrest him.
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Adele and Taylor Swift should date each other, break up and then sing a duet about it.
For the cost of a cup of coffee, you can save one child. Or for the cost of this commercial, we could've saved 5,000 children.
I'm never gonna tell the person I'm meeting up with that you said hi.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
is it racial profiling when a waiter in a chinese restaurant gives me a fork?
Back by popular demand, here's the replay of our @PanicAtTheDisco @brendonurie podcast w/ bonus unheard audio!! https://soundcloud.com/decently-funny/best-of-decently-funny-panic-at-the-disco …
Justin Bieber gets 85K retweets for tweeting "Big night ahead". I'd settle for 85. Let's see what happens.
Big night ahead.
former child actor/model • multiple grammy award winning podcaster • SVP at Hologram USA
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