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When I show you a picture on my iPhone, you're allowed one swipe in either direction before I have a freak out.
What do we want?
When do we want them?
Snooki's baby daddy has already suggested a Jersey Shore name for their unborn child, "The Abortion."
Starting a Mexican boy band named Juan Direction.
What's the name of that movie where Russell Brand plays himself in every movie.
If you fart while peeing on someone, it's called a golden thunderstorm.
When a cop pulls you over & says that he smells pot. Tell him he who smelt it, dealt it & then citizens arrest him.
Adele and Taylor Swift should date each other, break up and then sing a duet about it.
For the cost of a cup of coffee, you can save one child. Or for the cost of this commercial, we could've saved 5,000 children.
I'm never gonna tell the person I'm meeting up with that you said hi.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
is it racial profiling when a waiter in a chinese restaurant gives me a fork?
Justin Bieber gets 85K retweets for tweeting "Big night ahead". I'd settle for 85. Let's see what happens.
Big night ahead.
If I invented cereal, I would've named it breakfast soup.
I really don't think that I have attention deficit disorder me a pizza please?
Just masturbated all over my autobiography. That's my story & I'm sticking to it.
Last night at karaoke, a chick with a stutter sang 'Poker Face' for 45 minutes.
Free business idea: Female owned law firm & Japanese restaurant called "She Sue Sushi." (Our lawyers are slammin & so is our salmon)
My 6 yr old niece just drew a picture of the sun wearing sunglasses. Um, the sunglasses would melt, fucking idiot.
Host of the Grammy Award winning Decently Funny podcast. Full time executive producer & part time host at FilmOn Television. Nuzzy@DecentlyFunny.com