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When I show you a picture on my iPhone, you're allowed one swipe in either direction before I have a freak out.
What do we want?
When do we want them?
Starting a Mexican boy band named Juan Direction.
Snooki's baby daddy has already suggested a Jersey Shore name for their unborn child, "The Abortion."
What's the name of that movie where Russell Brand plays himself in every movie.
If you fart while peeing on someone, it's called a golden thunderstorm.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I've done in my entire life.
When a cop pulls you over & says that he smells pot. Tell him he who smelt it, dealt it & then citizens arrest him.
Adele and Taylor Swift should date each other, break up and then sing a duet about it.
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
For the cost of a cup of coffee, you can save one child. Or for the cost of this commercial, we could've saved 5,000 children.
I'm never gonna tell the person I'm meeting up with that you said hi.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
is it racial profiling when a waiter in a chinese restaurant gives me a fork?
Justin Bieber gets 85K retweets for tweeting "Big night ahead". I'd settle for 85. Let's see what happens.
Big night ahead.
If I invented cereal, I would've named it breakfast soup.
I really don't think that I have attention deficit disorder me a pizza please?
I need a job. My origami business has folded.
Just masturbated all over my autobiography. That's my story & I'm sticking to it.
Host of the Grammy Award winning Decently Funny podcast. EP at FilmOn TV. Digitally resurrects dead celebs at HologramUSA. Nuzzy@DecentlyFunny.com