Summer is like a bad dinner guest this year. It showed up really late and now I can't wait for it to leave.

It smells like napalm or maybe it's palmolive, I always get those two confused.

If I'm not supposed to drink beer in the shower why are there so many cup holders?

A coffee maker that turns on by itself is pretty useless unless it is set up right next to my bed.

It's perfect drinking weather.



Always.

I deleted my Facebook account so I guess today wasn't a total waste.

Dropped my mom off at yoga this morning. Everyone there looked like a pretentious asshole.


Where do I sign up?

My ADD does a pretty good job of offsetting my OCD.

Just used yahoo to find the google translator.

I read a tweet about the theme song from full house and my brain played the theme song from friends. What the fuck is wrong with me.

@fsusteve depression. I'm pretty sure depression can be cured by blowjobs.

@canadian_jane it's like the ghosts from Mario, if you don't look at them they won't come at you.

The next time your gf claims she has a headache remind her of all the poor kids in Africa* that won't be having sex tonight.

*on twitter

Is twitter an asylum for schizophrenics? Why else would the people here have multiple accounts and constantly change their name and avi.

Guns n tulips.

#downgradedbands

Foo defenders.
#downgradedbands

@_vaginasaurus NoHobo. I'm not homeless, I just prefer to piss on the sidewalk and not shower.

I eat girls the same way I eat Oreos. Twist it, lick it, dunk it, bite it.

Katy Perry didn't show any cleavage in her last two videos.

I guess she's tired of being popular or famous or whatever.

@justashleyokay My dishwasher is the same way. I just ask her to stop talking while she's doing the dishes.