Stopping the microwave at 0:01 cause you're a bomb specialist..

If you're happy and you know it, share your meds

I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow

Just changed my home WiFi network from "FreePublicWiFi" to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbours on their toes.

police: how high are you? me: no sir its hi how are you.

I've been buying a lot of alcohol lately .. hope I'm not becoming a shopaholic

Surprise sex is the best way to be woken up. Unless of course, you're in prison!

you look pretty when I'm drunk

You know you're drunk when you say "thanks mate" to the ATM.

This is drinking not working weather

so much to do, and so little desire to do it!

No offense future man, but is everyone in your time retarded? http://t.co/bO1XVqPE

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus name amen"

Due to large number of complaints, all further Mondays have been cancelled

Try this, don't think before you speak. That way you can be just as surprised as everyone else with what comes out of your mouth.

make eye contact while eating a banana

The super annoying girl in my office who likes saying "fiancée" is finally getting married, looking forward to hearing the word "divorcée"

What's up with the football game at the Beyonce concert today?

The new machine at the gym had started to make me feel sick. It does everything though - Kit Kat's, Mars bars, Snickers, the lot.

Trust your inner fuckwit.