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Stopping the microwave at 0:01 cause you're a bomb specialist..
If you're happy and you know it, share your meds
I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow
Just changed my home WiFi network from "FreePublicWiFi" to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbours on their toes.
police: how high are you? me: no sir its hi how are you.
I've been buying a lot of alcohol lately .. hope I'm not becoming a shopaholic
Sydney drivers on your way home tonight please keep a extra look out for wayward instagrammers photographing the sky
Surprise sex is the best way to be woken up. Unless of course, you're in prison!
you look pretty when I'm drunk
You know you're drunk when you say "thanks mate" to the ATM.
The super annoying girl in my office who likes saying "fiancée" is finally getting married, looking forward to hearing the word "divorcée"
This is drinking not working weather
so much to do, and so little desire to do it!
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus name amen"
Due to large number of complaints, all further Mondays have been cancelled
Try this, don't think before you speak. That way you can be just as surprised as everyone else with what comes out of your mouth.
make eye contact while eating a banana
schadenfreude is the silver lining in my misanthropic cloud