I don't care if hotdogs are made from dicks and assholes...quit bringing it up.

Remember when you're out shopping today that nobody in their deathbed is wishing they bought more shit. Hug your fucking kids.

Tweeting is how I fill in the blank spaces between masturbation and cartoons.

Twitter: where a tweet revealing the meaning of life can go ignored and a tweet about a pee-hole stuffed with popcorn shrimp gets starred.

I'm not depressed...I never enjoyed anything to start with.

Pray you never meet someone from twitter in a dark alley...many are accustomed to the sound of rape whistles and immune to pepper spray.

Fuck you folgers...the best part of waking up is a surprise blowjob.

Every time I stay in a hotel, I jerk off into the Gideon Bible in the nightstand before checking out.

It's going to be an unproductive day of doodling fire breathing cock-monsters.

I miss the days when a problem could be solved with a baseball bat and my poor temper.

Don't get all high and mighty with me, you beat off just like the rest of us...well, excluding maybe autoerotic asphyxiation or the like...

I want us to be the last people on earth...there is nobody I would rather fight zombies with.

You won't be so fucking sassy with a ball gag in your mouth, will you?

It's normal to dream of giant pigs shitting out tiny horses right?

The two of us are a mixture of something fatal to others.

Hello world! Where did the bad man touch you?

I want to fuck you outside in the dead of winter so we can watch your cunt steam.

Anybody else see the shower handles they sell for geezers to steady themselves as possible tools for proper shower fucking?

Destroying myself in such refined manner. No reason to be uncivilized.

I want to bite someone...

Stars indicate who wants to be bitten.