My friend is so stupid she thought Alabama is a city. Don't worry, I informed her Alabama is the president.

If you're afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Him: What are you wearing? Me: The skin of my enemies.

...I might not be sexting right.

You call it dissociative identity disorder, I call it backup personalities.

I thought my facebook tab was my google tab. Now my status reads "best places to hide a body"

If I hug you and you don’t try to cop a feel I’ll just assume that you never really cared for me.

At any given second the urge to sing 'The lion sleeps tonight' is just a whim away. A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

Jesus take the wheel. I gotta answer this text.

People used to believe the sun revolves around the Earth. Now most believe it revolves around them personally.

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

My signature sex move is letting guys have sex with me.

The holiday season is a time for family…but let’s try to enjoy it anyway.

I’m a lady. Which means I don’t fuck in the back of a car parked outside of Walmart and tell.

Sometimes liberal arts degrees happen to good people.

If you star us do we not rejoice? If you tweet us do we not lol? If you FF us do we not thank? And if you unfollow us shall we not revenge?

Sometimes I like to drink a Red Bull with some sleeping pills and just let them battle it out.

Feelings are a nasty side effect of being human.

"This can't get any worse." - me

"Challenge accepted!" - God

Love means never having to say 'is that it?'

My friend from real life unfollowed me. This means I win, right?