Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it's justified.

I'm on this great diet it's called poverty

I have time for this bullshit.

Do you realize that women are buying makeup that's the exact same color as their skin to put on their skin?

The way to a man's heart is through making an incision along the sternum.

Moods are for rich people.

People who collect things are going to be so surprised to find out they're mortal.

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

My favorite Twitter people are the ones who exclusively tweet criticisms of the timeline they voluntarily made for themselves for free.

I'm, like, 93% sure that Egypt is the Matrix.

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn't real

I'm having one of those lives.

I'm a household name at my house.

Maybe if I stand by the oven it will bake faster.

The plastic bowl from the £2 instant noodle soup I ate for my cold is reusable. Locate the most depressing part of that sentence.

Think hashtags on Facebook are ridiculous? People are spray-painting them on walls in Egypt.

I don't read tweets against capitalism that were sent from a Blackberry unless it belongs to a street child who didn't earn it.

My instinct is to call men I don't know "sir," women I don't know "ma'am," and kids I don't know "you little shit."

I smoked a pack of cigarettes with my head in a washing machine and then turned it on, so I don't need to visit Cairo this month.

I hate having my Saturday morning cartoons interrupted by having to get up to make coffee and start my day because I'm a fucking adult.