I want to do a 8'x8' portrait of Elijah Wood (@woodelijah) in my same spray paint style as this: http://lockerz.com/s/113453917

I said to Jesus, "why are there only one set of footprints in the sand?" He said "the sand people walk single file to hide their numbers."

What's more American than a fat person carrying McDonalds and smoking cigarettes? #nothing

Traditional Checking Of Mail. #art #performanceart #americanindian #nativeamerican #fineart pic.twitter.com/HV8dh8dteg

@saskadad if I watch a movie that is a bit much on scare factor with my kiddos, I watch it with them and laugh at the scary parts. #DadsRT

I lie 2 my kids all the time. Usually its funny stuff, sometimes its 2 protect them & other times its because its none of their biz #DadsRT

Why can't the "I need to tell you something" moment on shows like #TheBachelor be something like "I have a penis"?

My son picks his nose and eats it in plain sight. What's more baller than a 3 year old? I say nothing.

Damn. That is dope. Christian group shows up to Chicago Gay Pride parade w/ signs of apology. http://t.co/wzrEJgrs

"You can't anger anyone with the truth" - Lies that cartoons tell my children.

When my daughter is a teenager and wants sleep, I am going to wake her up in the middle of the night to tell her random shit as payback.

I have a giveaway in the name of @movember. Donate, RT, pass along as I try to raise $$ for cancer awareness. http://t.co/DRGhdF7k #movember

good grief people are nuts.

My daughter just asked a big goofy looking black man for Biz's Beat of the Day. He laughed because of how enthusiastic she was.

I read someone's twitter profile and in it they called themselves a "amateur blogger". I wasn't aware there was a professional one.

Any time my wife farts, as soon as I look at her, she winks. Every. Time.

THE LAST AMERICAN INDIAN ON EARTH. pic.twitter.com/UdQjFAIcO3

Sometimes babies have boogs and sometimes they need help picking them  http://instagr.am/p/WXtuFYJf0n/ 

I think my imagination is strong enough to beat the shit out of your reality.

I like going to Walmart about as much as I like stuffing things into my urethra.