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Inside all of us, there lies the capacity to dip everything in ranch.
Pretty sure if Daddy was a real man & he saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, the only laughter heard would be his after the ass-kicking he gave.
Love it when auto-correct replaces a properly spelled word with an improper one. Somewhere, John Connor is smiling.
Super windy day; perfect for farting.
Cut a hole in my safety net. Quit my job. Freaking out. Only slightly, cuz I'm accidentally drunk & EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE GREAT YOU GUYS!
Dear Mother Nature; I assume our heatwave is punishment cause you're lonely in menopause? Mission accomplished, I'm sweating. Knock it off.
Girls with haphazardly drawn whiskers & cat-ear headbands - tone down your zest for life, please #thisisnotacostume #atleastwearallblack
To all who still don't use garbage/recycle bins - if you're not going to share the responsibility of being here, get the fuck off my planet.
This weather. #LOVE
holy lethargy, Batman!
...guess what time it is!!!!!!
Really, iPhone? You can't find the word "fucking"? Cause it's what Steve Jobs is doing to me from the grave every time I try to type it.
A sarcasm font, highlighting sarcasm for clear & effective e-communication? Oh no, that wouldn't be useful at all.
My dad may not be spending #FathersDay with his kids, but he IS spending it with a woman who calls him "Daddy". #thingsyourkidsshouldntknow
buying your affections with showmanship & extravagant gifts of deliciousness