friend just told me to "go to hell". Great...now I'm confused. Am I supposed to stay at work or go home?

pro-tip: saying it was a twitter name, not a real name doesn't make up for the fact that it wasn't your wife's name you yelled during sex

twitter lesson learned #382: women on twitter profess to liking sex a lot. until they figure out you're less than 2 hrs away...

anybody remember the game Frogger? explain to me why the frog died if he fell in the water.

I give 100% at work. Mon. gets 5%, Tues is 20%, Wed maybe 45%, Thurs probably 23% and Fri gets 5%. crap, that's only 98. eh, close enough

my bologna has a first name, it's l-o-n-e-l-y...

my only Halloween decoration is a yard sign that reads "I'm the stranger your parents warned you about. Want some candy?"

Dear Lady @ the gas station, I really like the way you handled that hose. Call me.

Krispy Kreme rejected my Halloween costume idea. Said they had a PR problem with how I was planning on carrying the donuts

this little piggy went to market, this little piggy became bacon, the last little piggy was evil and got revenge by starting a flu pandemic

when did "Go fuck yourself" become a negative comment. Doesn't sound like such a bad idea to me

why would anyone want to be on Santa's nice list? 1 day of gifts vs. 364 of evil debauchery? that's a no contest in my mind.

the homeless people are getting greedy "Can I bum a cig?" fuck dude, have you seen the price of smokes lately? Can I just give you a dollar?

know why us rednecks draw out our speech and make everything take twice as long to say? It's easier to hide our drinking problems.

just opened a new bag of cotton balls. am I supposed to throw the top one away?

In a donut meeting: eyes are glazed over and his logic is full of holes.

pro-tip: make sure you know the gender of the person you are speaking to before saying "nice beard".

I killed a man today...well I tried to, but the knife kept bouncing off my monitor.

next year I'm going to go as a preacher for Halloween. I can find a bible, but can one of you loan me a Rolex and a Mercedes?

I've sucked down so many cough drops that my mouth looks like I just finished blowing a sunburned smurf