When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I'll take one of each variety.

If you guys think these tweets are stupid you should see what I choose not to send.

Every time someone tells me they're not on Twitter I'm kinda glad.

I'd trade all my stars for one RT.

Remember when you could fall off dangerous playground equipment and not only did your mom not care you may have actually gotten in trouble?

Life is forcing its square peg into my round hole.

Please don't feed the egos.

It wouldn't surprise me if I woke-up tomorrow morning and found out I'M the front runner for the GOP nomination.

Getting your shit together is overrated.

Optimism is naivety's busty older sister with a fake ID.

Is something going too well in your life? Here, let me give you a hand with that.

I have this neat trick I do where I knock something over and shit goes everywhere and I make a big mess and nobody thinks it's funny.

People who tell you how to live your life are the same ones who've mismanaged theirs.

I'm starting to feel like some of the things I'm reading on here aren't true.

All I have is tomorrow. What do you think that'd fetch at a pawn shop?

I've got issues with women. Issues of Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler...

Don't try to copy my style. It barely works for me.

Must have been nice during prohibition without all the stupid fucking beer commercials.

When I first signed-up here I wondered what everybody meant about all the drama. I don't wonder that anymore.

Trying to remember if I've ever met a girl that hasn't told me she only smokes when she drinks.