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@thebenbrooks
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@thebenbrooks' (Ben Brooks) most faved Tweets...
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So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?
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thebenbrooks
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Well officer, it wasn't public urination until you started looking at me.
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thebenbrooks
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Me: "I'm looking for some shoes." Clerk: "Could you be more explicit?" Me: "I'm looking for some motherfucking shoes for fuck sake."
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thebenbrooks
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Why does it always have to be "he's addicted to drugs"? Why can't it be, "he's passionate about drugs".
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The smaller the dog, the crazier the chick.
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Just told the Mormons they could share the word of Jesus with me, if I could share my library of fisting videos with them.
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I asked my wife to buy a g-string for Christmas, and she did. And though my guitar DOES sound a lot better, I admit I'm a bit disappointed.
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There's this really disconcerting noise when I put on the brakes in my car. It sounds sorta like, 8 empty beer bottles.
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thebenbrooks
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Today I learned two valuable lessons: 1) Petting an animal can lower your heart rate. 2) That animal should not be a wolverine.
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My life coach just benched me.
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Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?
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Tonight I'll be reading my 2 1/2 yr old, "The Little Engine That Needed to Give Mama & Papa Some Time Alone For The Love of Sweet Jesus."
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I'm glad they outlawed texting while driving. I can finally get some use out of this calligraphy set.
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I've taken some serious criticism for being an atheist. Ah well, we all have our cross to bear.
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You had me at, "Looks like we're the only two people on this island."
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NY Friend: "You're in LA, you don't have to shovel anything!" Me: "Yeah? These heaps of broken dreams wont get off the sidewalk themselves."
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And why DO they call them potholes!? I mean. I've checked. And checked. And checked. Nada.
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Forecast is calling for 'stupid with a chance of moronic'. Better bring my dumbrella.
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My 'slightly' melodramatic 2 1/2 yr old said tonight at the restaurant she was ordering "a plate of sad."
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Coffee doesn't get me through the day, it merely fuels my cynicism, which gets me through the day.
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