Boyfriend: "All right listen." Me: "Let me stop and collaborate real quick first." He was not amused.

Asked my parents if they want me to water the plants after the Rapture. Apparently, that's not funny.

I just peed and then I noticed a moth in the toilet. Man, I sure hope that was already there.

By saying the words "I write poetry," you have discovered the quickest way to make me judge you.

Can you all just pretend this is the funniest tweet ever and just star and retweet the fuck out of it? Thanks. You are the best.

Hey, Abercrombie & Fitch. I haven't been wearing your clothes for 31 years. Where's my check?

At 30, should I still be all "Yeah! I found a dime!"?

I'm so polite, I hate eating the last of anything: cookies, crackers, Mohicans.

I can't possibly be the only person who thinks lacrosse looks like full-contact butterfly-catching.

Has anyone heard if Val Kilmer was able to climb out of that fat guy's face yet?

My kitten is in heat for the first time. I am considering fucking her just to shut her up.

Hypothetically, if I sucked up a live spider in the vacuum cleaner, should I set the vacuum cleaner on fire in the driveway or the street?

Dear World,

Please stop shouting my dad's name during sex. He's getting really cocky.

Forever yours,

Jesus Christ

Inspirational tweets are the Family Circus of Twitter.

I am such a whore for banjos in songs. And trumpets. And hot guys. Hmmm. Maybe I should've just stopped at "I am such a whore."

Sure would be a tragedy if people snapped their necks while trying to gracefully dismount from their high horses.

At 31, wearing pigtails makes me look like I am either coming from or heading to film a porno. I hope.

Lessons I learned from Lifetime: men are abusive/cheaters, ex wives are insane, babysitters are sluts, and anyone can write a script.

Hey, guys! Adobe has another update ready for me to download. Has it already been 47 seconds? Wow. Time flies.

I wish a dirty bomb was a sexy as it sounds.