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My baby laughs when she sees my boyfriend and I kiss. She's laughing at us, isn't she?
I'm gonna hear about one more family quarrel that involves my g'ma being pissed about something on FB before everyone is getting a timeout.
Twitter: it's like beta testing your social skills without all that messy human contact.
I'm going to Hell. While caressing the fuzzy head of my baby, the thought "I've felt a testicle with a similar texture" popped into my head.
After watching the whole series, I think the most unbelievable part of True Blood is that Sookie makes $10 an hour plus tips as a waitress.
Anyone else notice Rod Stewart looks like Queen Elizabeth after a hard night of drinking?
I just read that Beyonce wants to have another baby. I wonder what comic book villain-esque name she'll come up with this time.
I play easy listening on Pandora for my baby at night and she cries when she hears John Mayer. By not blocking his music, am I abusing her?
My off-the-charts smart boyfriend just said "supposebly." I would rather he'd cheated on me.
The baby is going to wake up soon and I haven't come up with a good tweet yet. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard :(
Would coating my nipples with NyQuil before I nurse my baby be considered good parenting or awesome parenting?
Facebook: another medium in which my family can fine-tune their passive-aggression skills.
All are taught the stop-drop-and-roll bit but not everyone learns the Heimlich. Why? I've choked way more times than I've burst into flames.
Is there a market for one to review reviews? I'd be great at telling people their opinions are dumb and they had 23 typos in 2 paragraphs.
I just fell down because I tried to stand up while my legs were still crossed. This may turn out to be a rough day.
Anybody else's parents use too many exclamation points in their texts? Makes them seem like overly stimulated lunatics, doesn't it?
Me: "I gave birth in less time than it's taking you to install that ceiling fan." Boyfriend: "But that only took one screw."
My current pregnancy measurements are 37, 41, 41. Where's my rap song?
Employee with jagged black teeth who has been dubbed "shark tooth" just came to my desk with a huge bag of goldfish crackers. I almost died.
She may be cute, but her poops are hazmat suit-worthy. http://favstar.fm/users/thebestmonkey/recent