My baby laughs when she sees my boyfriend and I kiss. She's laughing at us, isn't she?

I'm gonna hear about one more family quarrel that involves my g'ma being pissed about something on FB before everyone is getting a timeout.

Twitter: it's like beta testing your social skills without all that messy human contact.

I'm going to Hell. While caressing the fuzzy head of my baby, the thought "I've felt a testicle with a similar texture" popped into my head.

After watching the whole series, I think the most unbelievable part of True Blood is that Sookie makes $10 an hour plus tips as a waitress.

Anyone else notice Rod Stewart looks like Queen Elizabeth after a hard night of drinking?

I just read that Beyonce wants to have another baby. I wonder what comic book villain-esque name she'll come up with this time.

I play easy listening on Pandora for my baby at night and she cries when she hears John Mayer. By not blocking his music, am I abusing her?

My off-the-charts smart boyfriend just said "supposebly." I would rather he'd cheated on me.

The baby is going to wake up soon and I haven't come up with a good tweet yet. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard :(

Would coating my nipples with NyQuil before I nurse my baby be considered good parenting or awesome parenting?

Facebook: another medium in which my family can fine-tune their passive-aggression skills.

All are taught the stop-drop-and-roll bit but not everyone learns the Heimlich. Why? I've choked way more times than I've burst into flames.

Is there a market for one to review reviews? I'd be great at telling people their opinions are dumb and they had 23 typos in 2 paragraphs.

I just fell down because I tried to stand up while my legs were still crossed. This may turn out to be a rough day.

Anybody else's parents use too many exclamation points in their texts? Makes them seem like overly stimulated lunatics, doesn't it?

Me: "I gave birth in less time than it's taking you to install that ceiling fan." Boyfriend: "But that only took one screw."

Oh m gosh, guys! Look what came out of my vagina! pic.twitter.com/XXFHwgXxF9

My current pregnancy measurements are 37, 41, 41. Where's my rap song?

Employee with jagged black teeth who has been dubbed "shark tooth" just came to my desk with a huge bag of goldfish crackers. I almost died.