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The hardest part of my day is stopping myself from rolling my eyes and making the jerk-off motion when people talk to me.
Remember ladies, if he doesn't want you, some other fucking loser that you're totally not into will.
That one person that makes you feel like a million bucks also has the uncanny ability to make you feel like $1.14 in loose change.
Hi, I'm too busy regretting my past to enjoy the present while simultaneously being terrified of the future. Please leave a message.
Saying "agree to disagree" really means "I'm right but you're being an asshole & I'm sick of trying to reason with you."
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Had to have "the sex talk" with my daughter, she was a little overwhelmed so I left out the part about golden showers & donkey punches
Wow, a selfie giving the finger? Give me your address, I'll send you an Avril Lavigne cd to go with that anger and anarchy.
The best foreplay is laughter.
I don't forgive or forget, I pretend you're dead. It's easier.
Being right isn't nearly as important as knowing when to shut the hell up.
I used to be worried about people at work finding my Twitter, until I watched them fuck up trying to send a fax.
I don't need anger management, everyone else needs to man the fuck up.
Find something you love to do. Now find a totally unrelated job to survive and pay the bills.
In an alternate universe there's a kitten in a cubicle looking at a poster of me trying to do a chin-up that says "Just Give Up."
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
If you want to get over your sexual attraction to someone, get to know them.
Alcohol is never the answer but it's an excellent guess.
I was worried about my son going to a party until I realized he wouldn't know what to do with a girl unless her vagina was a joystick.
Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some carrots."