Apathy is a dish best served with whatever.

Starting to worry that my sexual prime is being wasted on masturbation.

I saw my cat and dog conversing by the fence the day after I found a headless squirrel on my front stoop. I think I'm next.

Blinkers aren't just random disco lights for your car. They serve a purpose. Use them.

Want me to call you back quickly? Just threaten to stop by my house.

I think I ate some bad karma.

Is that for me?

-anytime I see a boner

And by neighborhood mafia I mean my 5-year-old son and his cronies. They've got cards in their spokes. And they want their two dollars.

My iPod shuffle is stuck in suicide mode again.

The walk of shame is only shameful when the neighbors are leaving for church and your bra is around your neck.

If you're wondering if I would ever embarrass you in public, the answer is yes.

I'm getting in the shower now, hot avi guy who doesn't follow me.

Let's talk about your ex some more. I love that.

I hate disco but get me to the rol-a-rink on 70s night in short shorts and tube socks and I'm a shameless ass-shaker and finger-pointer.

I woke up this morning to your fingertips on my clit. No wait. They were mine. :(

It sucked ass.

-my scholarly review of Human Centipede 2

I don't think wearing nightgowns helped the chipmunks assimilate into normal society. Especially Alvin's giant Scarlet letter.

It was Colonel Mustard. In the bathroom. With a bottle of lotion.

I love you twitter.

I'm doing my best impression of Scarface in the bathtub and nooooooo one's listening.