If ever there was a sign from above.... Lol http://t.co/oMHbtb14

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas".

My girlfriend asked me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.



I came back drunk.

My fucking neighbour had the cheek to knock on my door at 3.00am this morning! Lucky for him i was still up, playing my drums

@godlessatheist you will like this ..

Rational thinkers only !! pic.twitter.com/ep6WLxiC

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.....My ex wife manages to get on every fucking one of them.

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes..

My wife asked me if there was anything she could do to spice up our sex life.I told her " Try not to snore while I fuck you."

Stop acting like God's gift to women... The gift was the Orgasm, You're just the messenger boy...

If your happy and you know it , what's your meds ?

One of the women at my work place is having a baby. I just haven't decided which one yet...

She said the spark between us had gone.... So I tasered her..

I'll ask her again when she wakes up.

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

Unless you fell off the treadmill and face-planted the floor, nobody wants to hear about your workout !!!

I going to prison for drugs.

I heard It's cheaper there.

I'm having fruit salad for dinner.

Well it's mostly grapes.

Ok it's all grapes,

Fermented grapes.

I'm having wine for dinner.

Kim Jong-un threatening to strike the US is a lot like a teenager threatening to delete Facebook.

If I guy remembers what colour eyes you have after the first date...

You have small tits !

Woman's Rules :
1:Starve a fever
2:Feed a cold
3:Give PMS whatever the fuck it wants

Big girls don't cry....

They eat.