Do you think Victoria's Secret is that she was fat as a child?

Tony Romo blows more in four hours than the Kardashians do in two.

Notice to all white dudes, last day to do a Kardashian sister. No whites after Labor Day.

Do the yankees play baseball or pay baseball?

Told my wife she could have a threesome, then introduced her to The Brawny Man & Mr. Clean.

Just got pulled over by a cop, he asked did I know why he was following me. I responded guess you like reading my tweets.

If you don't star my tweet, i'm gonna moon yours.

I'm glad shes into hot dogs as much as I'm into tacos.

I started to put a pic of my six pack as my avi, but I decided to drink it instead.

If you found love in an hopeless place, it must have been walmart.

I just knocked the bottom out of Mrs. Butterworth. While my pancakes just sit and watched.

The kitten just rolled up a cat nip joint, i'm starting to worry about him.

Sober tweeting sucks!

Not sure this Elf on the Shelf thing is gonna work out. Look how I caught that little bastard. http://t.co/DpjVxS5d

I'm embarrassed for Steven Tylers girlfriend.

When eggs start following me, I scramble.

I see through your dirty tweets and see the good girl in you. Because I'm cool like that.

My wife has a nice set, I just think she should bring then out of the cabinet more often.

I hate sleeping without my spoon...

Spent all day around hundreds of screaming kid cheerleaders, and it was all worth it when mine took home the blue ribbon!