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Do you think Victoria's Secret is that she was fat as a child?
Tony Romo blows more in four hours than the Kardashians do in two.
Notice to all white dudes, last day to do a Kardashian sister. No whites after Labor Day.
Do the yankees play baseball or pay baseball?
Told my wife she could have a threesome, then introduced her to The Brawny Man & Mr. Clean.
Just got pulled over by a cop, he asked did I know why he was following me. I responded guess you like reading my tweets.
If you don't star my tweet, i'm gonna moon yours.
I'm glad shes into hot dogs as much as I'm into tacos.
I started to put a pic of my six pack as my avi, but I decided to drink it instead.
If you found love in an hopeless place, it must have been walmart.
I just knocked the bottom out of Mrs. Butterworth. While my pancakes just sit and watched.
The kitten just rolled up a cat nip joint, i'm starting to worry about him.
Sober tweeting sucks!
I'm embarrassed for Steven Tylers girlfriend.
When eggs start following me, I scramble.
I see through your dirty tweets and see the good girl in you. Because I'm cool like that.
My wife has a nice set, I just think she should bring then out of the cabinet more often.
I hate sleeping without my spoon...
Spent all day around hundreds of screaming kid cheerleaders, and it was all worth it when mine took home the blue ribbon!