This @schwarzenegger 30 for 30 is brilliant. #ESPN #badass

http://t.co/KLNb86eO

By the time a person sees a tv commercial on tv and says it's "annoying", the creative team has already viewed it well over 4,300 times.

I wish I hated my dad enough to participate in #SideBoobSunday

I'm not calling you a liar, Sara Barellis, but I've never heard of a guy wanting a love song.

Ever.

Like, ever ever.

When the lights go out, of course the people from SF cum from behind.

Karl Rove, Donald Trump, & Victoria Jackson are all throwing temper tantrums cause the rebels somehow managed to blow up a 2nd Death Star.

Congratulations today, you've officially made me dead inside.

It's ok Lance, I've lied about being on drugs to my mom too.

I wonder who's drunker, Chicago or Diane Sawyer...

Romney has an idea how to keep jobs in America.

oh wait.

"How Mitt Romney Invested Millions in Outsourcing" - Forbes  http://onforb.es/LiJvd3 

Regardless of how today nets out, my hair looks fucking dope.

Watching a man try on my eyeglasses is not nearly as sexually arousing as watching one try on my underwear.

Maintained being a professional for 4 hours today, now I'm gonna eat 2 double doubles.

Don't you fucking look at me. *slams burger in face

I can't wait to see which city is better at burning its busses and garbage cans tonight. #superbowl

The best thing about the frat bar I'm in is nothing.

Well, I walked into a bar, and the bartender immediately apologized to me for being out of Makers. If anyone wants me to meet their mother.

I mean, can one guy really be in charge of Star Trek AND Star Wars?

Isn't that the nerd equivalent of crossing the streams?

I'm sorry Miami Vice, but I just can't buy Nathan Lane as a rapist.

Do skinny bitches w/ meth habits have this much lactic acid in their legs?

No?

Pass me that pipe, please!

The one by your melting face...

I can't believe people still buy home printers. Can I borrow someone's printer?