It's all fun and games until a family member finds your twitter account.

We're holding Lucy for the first time in eleven days. I can barely see to write this.

Nice to see the referees have rape whistles in case Roethlisberger gets horny. #superbowl

The dishwasher is making a strange noise. Probably because she's outside shoveling the driveway.

You can tell a lot about a person by their shoes and how they arrange their underwear drawer.

You have a lovely home, by the way.

My door is always open if you ever want to talk about how you can get the fuck out of my office.

Clearly, there's no excuse for my behavior, so I'm drinking until I have one.

Show me on this doll where Monday touched you.

He's making a list, and checking it twice. And counting his footsteps by intervals of two. And flicking the light switch three times.

I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.

The baby monitor sure gets lousy reception at this bar.

Do I have a minute? Let me check my calendar. Nope. I'm scheduled to be interrupted by an asshole right now.

Someone with a knife exactly like the one I'm holding in my hand ruined my neighbor's inflatable Christmas lawn decorations.

Recent studies have shown that nine out of every ten Americans need to shut the fuck up.

I saw Mommy kissing Tiger Woods.

Sleeping babies are so precious. The warmth of their skin. The quietness of their breath. The steadiness of my sharpie.

I don't understand the Starbucks ordering language, so I just point at the menu and shout like a monkey.

My wife sent me out to buy Midol, so I'm obviously not going back home.

After 46 days in the hospital, Lucy's heart is fixed and she's finally home, right where she belongs. http://bit.ly/4pcjyH

Apparently, I don't know how to fold a towel or please a woman.