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Found the 3-year old licking the toilet seat today, which is so gross.
I'm never putting my butt on that seat again.
Our cable isn't working. The repairman is scheduled to fix it anytime between 1PM and January 2013.
Totally planking in my bed right now. So extreme.
The washer and dryer doesn't mow the lawn very well, but at least she tried.
Women can never resist the smell of my cologne.
Just ate a raw Pop Tart.
So yeah, I'm pretty much a badass.
Mubarak has finally stepped down, which just goes to show that pyramid schemes never work.
List of Geddons, best to worst:
The dishwasher is making a strange noise. Probably because she's outside shoveling the driveway.
I'm setting more realistic New Year's resolutions this year, like never doing anything right and not pleasing my wife.
He's making a list, and checking it twice. And counting his footsteps by intervals of two. And flicking the light switch three times.
My weekend as a "Choose Your Own Adventure":
To do what your wife says, turn to page 4.
Actually, you have no choice. Turn to page 4.
When a cop pulls you over, never start a sentence with, "This may be the alcohol talking, but..."
Trust me on this one.
Wife just said that was the best sex she's ever had.
She sent me a text. I'm at work.
If my wife buys one more thing that's pumpkin-scented, I'm going to say nothing because I enjoy breathing.
Weatherman said it was going to be in the 70s today with the chance of a polyester leisure suit or two in the afternoon.
List of things that fold, in order of difficulty:
2. Bed sheets
Took my family on a hike out into the middle of the woods.
I give them 2, maybe 3 days, tops.
The housing market is so bad, I just got a foreclosure notice on my cardboard box castle.
I only wear a tie at the office to keep my soul from completely leaving my body.
father. husband. digital marketeer. geek. thinker. doer. founder of http://t.co/WhXi1qGWVA