Autocorrect for "vagina" : becomes "behind." Nice try, autocorrect, but I haven't been fooled into that one yet.

If at least one ex hasn't called you psycho, you aren't living life to the fullest.

I suck dick while holding out my pinky. I'm classy like that.

I don't think there's anything I like more than boobies except sleeping, eating, and having sex.

A lady just walked in her apartment with three 12-roll packs of different kinds of toilet paper. What the hell kind of party is she having?

I just blew a guy off by telling him I had plans to play Dungeons & Dragons.

People need to stop acting like me not having a tv/cable puts me on the level of a third world refugee.

Do I attract alcoholics or is it that men spend 5 mins w/ me & realize they can't take a minute more sober?

Basically Star Trek is like the best thing that ever happened to me.

Instead of cussing or name calling, I have the gift of a soul-crushing character analyses for my enemies. Worst part: I'm accurate.

Just got honked at by a minivan. Dads approve!

If you haven't seen every single episode of Happy Days, I don't fucking wanna know you.

A lady coworker told me I need to wear form-fitting shirts to show off my body. ...I wear loose blouses so I don't have people perving me.

My social anxiety is so ridiculous that I just spent five minutes avoiding eye contact with what I now realize is a mannequin.

1987 was also awesome because Star Trek: The Next Generation premiered in September of that year.

Christ, bro, how many times can you upload a camera phone self-portrait a week?

I'd rather be a whore of the body than a whore of the heart. Y'know. I'll use my cunt, not be a cunt.

I don't know how to approach my family with the news I'm taking the Nintendo 64 home with me....hmmm...

Situation: I ate an entire bag of gummy worms in 10 mins. Serving size: 3.5. Probability of maiming a coworker: lowering.

Take Out the Trash Day didn't go as planned for Current TV.