Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Just took a short nap, although I wouldn't exactly call it a cat nap since I didn't lay on anyone's clothes or laptop like a total asshole.
When women wear nothing but a t-shirt and underwear, it’s really sexy. When men do it, we just look like giant toddlers.
i just found the HOTTEST porn video: "girl uses logic during argument". oh god, i'm gonna nut just typing thissssssfjdksfjsjfa..........
I have this recurring nightmare in which I wake up and have to get out of bed to live my life.
Sex with me is like eating a piece of Fruit Stripe gum. I will rock your fucking world for about 15 seconds.
We all know what 69 is, but what’s 96? It’s how two homophobic guys sleep on a small futon.
The real moral of Rudolph's story is that no one will like you until you have something they want or need. Happy Holidays, everyone!
I've never finished a game of Monopoly without hating someone.
Typing LOL when you didn’t really laugh out loud is like faking an orgasm.
I haven’t felt human touch in so long, I’m starting to feel like the ‘9’ button on a microwave.
For me, a guy's star means he'd beer me. A girl's star means she'd blow me. Retweet? Rough sex. Regardless of gender.
I hate broken down white cars on the side of the hwy. They look just like cops when I’m speeding & shitting my pants is getting really old.
Apparently I have a sign on my forehead that says, "Attention old people: please tell me stories about your life against my will."
Shouldn't a Trojan condom be more like a trick condom that opens up when she least expects it, unleashing a vast sperm army on her vagina?
When someone says I’ll turn into something because I eat too much of it, I tell them they must eat a lot of asshole. Then I lose a friend.
Sure Tommy Lee can steer a boat with his cock, but can he tweet with it, like this: agp9ju84 8nmji2un842i0 92et2nje0fkqwne043r2fsj. Ladies?
There is no feeling of sudden terror quite like accidentally swallowing a whole ice cube.
The day I quit Twitter is the day someone finds me lying on my bathroom floor, completely covered in gold star stickers, and sobbing gently.
If my mom had a Twitter, I'd be guaranteed one star on every single tweet.
Why does it always look like Richard Simmons has worked out only one time in her entire life?