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Just took a short nap, although I wouldn't exactly call it a cat nap since I didn't lay on anyone's clothes or laptop like a total asshole.
When women wear nothing but a t-shirt and underwear, it’s really sexy. When men do it, we just look like giant toddlers.
i just found the HOTTEST porn video: "girl uses logic during argument". oh god, i'm gonna nut just typing thissssssfjdksfjsjfa..........
I have this recurring nightmare in which I wake up and have to get out of bed to live my life.
Sex with me is like eating a piece of Fruit Stripe gum. I will rock your fucking world for about 15 seconds.
We all know what 69 is, but what’s 96? It’s how two homophobic guys sleep on a small futon.
The real moral of Rudolph's story is that no one will like you until you have something they want or need. Happy Holidays, everyone!
Typing LOL when you didn’t really laugh out loud is like faking an orgasm.
I haven’t felt human touch in so long, I’m starting to feel like the ‘9’ button on a microwave.
For me, a guy's star means he'd beer me. A girl's star means she'd blow me. Retweet? Rough sex. Regardless of gender.
I hate broken down white cars on the side of the hwy. They look just like cops when I’m speeding & shitting my pants is getting really old.
Apparently I have a sign on my forehead that says, "Attention old people: please tell me stories about your life against my will."
Shouldn't a Trojan condom be more like a trick condom that opens up when she least expects it, unleashing a vast sperm army on her vagina?
When someone says I’ll turn into something because I eat too much of it, I tell them they must eat a lot of asshole. Then I lose a friend.
Sure Tommy Lee can steer a boat with his cock, but can he tweet with it, like this: agp9ju84 8nmji2un842i0 92et2nje0fkqwne043r2fsj. Ladies?
There is no feeling of sudden terror quite like accidentally swallowing a whole ice cube.
The day I quit Twitter is the day someone finds me lying on my bathroom floor, completely covered in gold star stickers, and sobbing gently.
If my mom had a Twitter, I'd be guaranteed one star on every single tweet.
Why does it always look like Richard Simmons has worked out only one time in her entire life?
Weed.
