@theduty's (duty) most faved Tweets...
if there's one thing I absolutely can't stand, it's people who are condescending.
...by the way, condescending means talking down to you.
...by the way, condescending means talking down to you.
tragic. terrorists have hijacked this baby's airplane spoonful of delicious cereal & crashed it into my mouth.
OH GOD NO!
A SECOND PLANE!
OH GOD NO!
A SECOND PLANE!
i try to use 'penis' as my password for everything online...but it just keeps telling me "sorry, it's not long enough."
hmpf.
...words out.
hmpf.
...words out.
my best childhood memory?
spelling bee.
"pickles."
"pickles."
"I W-I-L-L M-U-R-D-E-R Y-O-U-R F-A-M-I-L-Y."
"pickles."
5 year champion.
spelling bee.
"pickles."
"pickles."
"I W-I-L-L M-U-R-D-E-R Y-O-U-R F-A-M-I-L-Y."
"pickles."
5 year champion.
in my car, pondering how weird it is that I "drive" on a "parkway" & "masturbate" in your "driveway."
also, you may wanna get some drapes.
also, you may wanna get some drapes.
...there was no sadder reminder of my dyslexia than showing up to the "Walk for MS" in nothing but a leather codpiece & metal nipple clamps.
I find that a clever little rhyme takes the edge off of bad news.
soooo, here goes...
roses are red,
violets are blue,
we have gonorrhea.
soooo, here goes...
roses are red,
violets are blue,
we have gonorrhea.
NOW THAT is a great looking tie!
just. WOW.
I mean, SHIT, that's nice!
seriously, that tie is fucking PERFECT!
...
I ran over your kid.
just. WOW.
I mean, SHIT, that's nice!
seriously, that tie is fucking PERFECT!
...
I ran over your kid.
the worst part of this guy catching me masturbating to a Highlights magazine is looking him in the eye for an hour while he cleans my teeth.
I always try to talk to newborns to find out if they happened to notice an area marked with a "G" on their way out.
so far.
I got nothing.
so far.
I got nothing.
I think that if I'm ever trying to have a kid & find I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from not knowing that fact in college.
my friend just informed me that he & his wife are trying to get "preg-pregs."
it hurt to let him know you can't make a baby with 2 vaginas.
it hurt to let him know you can't make a baby with 2 vaginas.
school zone. 20mph. really?
i'm fairly certain that's the optimal cruising speed for pedophilia.
...doing 50, so no one gets any ideas.
i'm fairly certain that's the optimal cruising speed for pedophilia.
...doing 50, so no one gets any ideas.
so let me get this straight.
...a sexual fruedian slip would be when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
I mean ano-
wait.
SHIT.
...a sexual fruedian slip would be when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
I mean ano-
wait.
SHIT.
nothing reminds you how close the letters T & G are on a keyboard quite like typing up a formal letter to clients that ends with "Regards."
part of me would kill to have x-ray vision, but another part of me would feel awful for how much breast cancer I would be responsible for.
i killed a man once.
but that was a long time ago...
wait.
what was the question?
oh, and a large Diet Coke too please, thank you.
but that was a long time ago...
wait.
what was the question?
oh, and a large Diet Coke too please, thank you.
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