if there's one thing I absolutely can't stand, it's people who are condescending.


...by the way, condescending means talking down to you.

i killed a man once.

but that was a long time ago...




wait.

what was the question?

oh, and a large Diet Coke too please, thank you.

tragic. terrorists have hijacked this baby's airplane spoonful of delicious cereal & crashed it into my mouth.

OH GOD NO!

A SECOND PLANE!

i try to use 'penis' as my password for everything online...but it just keeps telling me "sorry, it's not long enough."

hmpf.
...words out.

1f u c4n r34d th1s.

1t'5 t1m3 f0r u 2 g3t l41d.



...53r10u5ly.

I find that a clever little rhyme takes the edge off of bad news.

soooo, here goes...


roses are red,
violets are blue,
we have gonorrhea.

NOW THAT is a great looking tie!

just. WOW.

I mean, SHIT, that's nice!

seriously, that tie is fucking PERFECT!

...

I ran over your kid.

my best childhood memory?

spelling bee.

"pickles."

"pickles."
"I W-I-L-L M-U-R-D-E-R Y-O-U-R F-A-M-I-L-Y."
"pickles."


5 year champion.

the worst part of this guy catching me masturbating to a Highlights magazine is looking him in the eye for an hour while he cleans my teeth.

in my car, pondering how weird it is that I "drive" on a "parkway" & "masturbate" in your "driveway."

also, you may wanna get some drapes.

...there was no sadder reminder of my dyslexia than showing up to the "Walk for MS" in nothing but a leather codpiece & metal nipple clamps.

I always try to talk to newborns to find out if they happened to notice an area marked with a "G" on their way out.

so far.

I got nothing.

spent the last 36 minutes yelling at this ugly little girl to get off my lawn before realizing it was my naked reflection in the window.

my friend just informed me that he & his wife are trying to get "preg-pregs."

it hurt to let him know you can't make a baby with 2 vaginas.

i like my women like I like my whiskey.


...15 years old & all mixed up with coke.



what?

Patrick Swayze is Dead.


...i'm officially firing up my pottery wheel.


*fingers crossed*

so let me get this straight.

...a sexual fruedian slip would be when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

I mean ano-

wait.


SHIT.

I think that if I'm ever trying to have a kid & find I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from not knowing that fact in college.

school zone. 20mph. really?

i'm fairly certain that's the optimal cruising speed for pedophilia.



...doing 50, so no one gets any ideas.

part of me would kill to have x-ray vision, but another part of me would feel awful for how much breast cancer I would be responsible for.