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  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    if there's one thing I absolutely can't stand, it's people who are condescending.


    ...by the way, condescending means talking down to you.

    • 324
    • FAVS
    JiminyKicksItKimKardashsToesucittaMrsmallbonedr_ridiculouscfishingmissingblakeshibiscuspeony
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    chas50ZippyBippy
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    tragic. terrorists have hijacked this baby's airplane spoonful of delicious cereal & crashed it into my mouth.

    OH GOD NO!

    A SECOND PLANE!

    • 252
    • FAVS
    JiminyKicksItbadkitty_jj_mexfrumblersmallbonecfishingMela_Dehibiscuspeony
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    HonkeyKongda_gun_shooowGarethGeedetweilerFavstar500FavsSgt_HulkaIrishMASMSfavstar1000favs
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    i killed a man once.

    but that was a long time ago...




    wait.

    what was the question?

    oh, and a large Diet Coke too please, thank you.

    • 220
    • FAVS
    JiminyKicksItMacKooliotwitsandgigglesfrumblePernilllleconanobrienswyfJesusMendoozaMsJHudson________
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    dearestRachyben10parkerdailydabbberiBlazeTreeziamlandallickes0s______lovelychauni______FUCKpajayjay
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    i try to use 'penis' as my password for everything online...but it just keeps telling me "sorry, it's not long enough."

    hmpf.
    ...words out.

    • 227
    • FAVS
    MacKooliofrumblesucittaMcfishinghibiscuspeonythebogfender______BlueLanugoASCIIalice
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    saluki80chas50thomasrgrant
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    1f u c4n r34d th1s.

    1t'5 t1m3 f0r u 2 g3t l41d.



    ...53r10u5ly.

    • 209
    • FAVS
    jj_mexfrumblesucittaMcfishinghibiscuspeonythebogfender______toadymchopperBlueLanugo
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    chas50LenJV
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    I find that a clever little rhyme takes the edge off of bad news.

    soooo, here goes...


    roses are red,
    violets are blue,
    we have gonorrhea.

    • 202
    • FAVS
    jj_mexamynicole21sucittaMrsmallbonewoozykoalaChasingGodsivegotzoomssmacdona
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    woozykoalacravenheart______Favstar500Favsfavstar1000favscpcbulbxchikaxworldablaze88marktiscareno____
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    NOW THAT is a great looking tie!

    just. WOW.

    I mean, SHIT, that's nice!

    seriously, that tie is fucking PERFECT!

    ...

    I ran over your kid.

    • 187
    • FAVS
    cmagarpaoHookedOnEmmajj_mexEignaOlodelaro__________SubsistingPasseCroanthonyASCIIalice
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    J_OHHHHHKindesaurusRexzyeagskatelaughey_maxtaylorasr1308RV1HS____________Favstar500Favs
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    my best childhood memory?

    spelling bee.

    "pickles."

    "pickles."
    "I W-I-L-L M-U-R-D-E-R Y-O-U-R F-A-M-I-L-Y."
    "pickles."


    5 year champion.

    • 194
    • FAVS
    llvvzzalyssa_mendozajj_mexdesignersaysEignaOMela_DemollsBlueLanugo
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    slappyinthefacedcwilhitesirin26MrGachapondigdag88StrangeNinja
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    the worst part of this guy catching me masturbating to a Highlights magazine is looking him in the eye for an hour while he cleans my teeth.

    • 194
    • FAVS
    dazzieb5jj_mexsucittaMrsmallboneEignaOHiKrisderbyjamesTheDLC
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    J_OHHHHHsaluki80omnomdotcom______Favstar500Favsfavstar1000favs
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    in my car, pondering how weird it is that I "drive" on a "parkway" & "masturbate" in your "driveway."

    also, you may wanna get some drapes.

    • 186
    • FAVS
    DarqhorsesucittaMspectatorkenBlueLanugoASCIIaliceKnowShititsAnoodlefuddlemark
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    ShermanHelms
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    ...there was no sadder reminder of my dyslexia than showing up to the "Walk for MS" in nothing but a leather codpiece & metal nipple clamps.

    • 185
    • FAVS
    llvvzzjj_mexsucittaMdesignersaysbrentceteratoadymchopperBlue_CrabSEAempire
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Sgt_Hulka
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    I always try to talk to newborns to find out if they happened to notice an area marked with a "G" on their way out.

    so far.

    I got nothing.

    • 166
    • FAVS
    jj_mexsucittaMswitchbladephdOverlandParkergrodigiousfuddlemarkBlue_Crabdesignersays
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    spent the last 36 minutes yelling at this ugly little girl to get off my lawn before realizing it was my naked reflection in the window.

    • 148
    • FAVS
    MacKoolioSexForSamQueenofCouchTazDeevil______shannonmastelcrackbarbieEignaOlodelaro__________
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    MariusStefi247MunyuPeterMyMumBeatsMevincetucker01J_lane25okibukevichOPriyaOPriyaHorribleDancer
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    my friend just informed me that he & his wife are trying to get "preg-pregs."

    it hurt to let him know you can't make a baby with 2 vaginas.

    • 160
    • FAVS
    sucittaMdesignersayshibiscuspeonykatefeetieCutlerishmarcialsantos__roughdictionessentially_me
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    marcialsantos__moelevin
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    i like my women like I like my whiskey.


    ...15 years old & all mixed up with coke.



    what?

    • 155
    • FAVS
    jj_mexsucittaMhibiscuspeonylodelaro__________YWIRASCIIalicemattheroldgrodigious
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    powerplegic
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    Patrick Swayze is Dead.


    ...i'm officially firing up my pottery wheel.


    *fingers crossed*

    • 152
    • FAVS
    sucittaMStyckyWycketASCIIaliceKnowShititsAnoodleLovonyxmattheroldgrodigious
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    so let me get this straight.

    ...a sexual fruedian slip would be when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

    I mean ano-

    wait.


    SHIT.

    • 151
    • FAVS
    MacKooliosucittaMhibiscuspeonyASCIIaliceLovonyxBlue_CrabTerminalSingles__designersays
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    I think that if I'm ever trying to have a kid & find I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from not knowing that fact in college.

    • 151
    • FAVS
    ASCIIalicegrodigiousBlue_CrabdesignersaysSEAempireswitchbladephdSexyInsomniacSuperfluously
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    school zone. 20mph. really?

    i'm fairly certain that's the optimal cruising speed for pedophilia.



    ...doing 50, so no one gets any ideas.

    • 150
    • FAVS
    Saisi_sucittaMASCIIaliceKnowShititsAnoodlegrodigiousKwazydawgBlue_Crab
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Saisi_
  • theduty
      duty @theduty

    part of me would kill to have x-ray vision, but another part of me would feel awful for how much breast cancer I would be responsible for.

    • 140
    • FAVS
    Mela_DeASCIIalicejonathanleetfuddlemarkdesignersaysCarnivorousGnarrejecterCaparico
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    EatCrowPie________jimogCaparicoFavstar500Favshmafsarfavstar1000favsdoubleujay1chas50
@theduty

@theduty

certified bullshit technician. psssst...these are just jokes, dummies.