@TheDweck’s (Jess Dweck) best tweets

I don't know Adele's boyfriend's name, so I'll just call him Album 3. #Grammys

@TheDweck

43% of Americans think divine intervention has played a role in Tim Tebow's success, while the other 57% did not eat paint chips as a child.

@TheDweck

Andy Rooney passed away last night after a long battle with kids these days.

@TheDweck

"What's the deal with little boys' buttholes?" --Jerry Seindusky

@TheDweck

I'm glad Mississippi decided an egg isn't a person, but I wish someone would tell them Febreze isn't a shower.

@TheDweck

A large crowd of people supporting men who condone child rape? I think that's called mass.

@TheDweck

If Jay-Z and Beyonce ever get divorced, I'd love to watch their custody rap battle.

@TheDweck

The only regular exercise I get is running from my problems.

@TheDweck

I wonder how many special moments are currently being ruined by an LMFAO song.

@TheDweck

I'm not saying Val Kilmer's put on a few pounds but all the clocks at his house are set to peanut butter jelly time.

@TheDweck

Now that Wikipedia's back up, I can return to reading about how successful everyone already was by my age.

@TheDweck

Apparently, you have to learn American history to become a citizen but not to be a Republican presidential candidate. #tweetthepress

@TheDweck

Mitt Romney's favorite character from the Wire was The System.

@TheDweck

With bin Laden, Qaddafi, & Kim Jong il dead, 2011 has provided us with crazy news and perhaps the most difficult game of fuck-marry-kill.

@TheDweck

A new iTunes update? Too soon.

@TheDweck

On Monday, the US celebrates Labor Day. Or as China calls it, day.

@TheDweck

According to the Mayan Far Side calendar, the world will be destroyed in 2012 by sarcastic cows.

@TheDweck

In China, it's Take Your Parent to Work Day.

@TheDweck

Maybe bears wouldn't attack us anymore if we stopped putting them in toilet paper commercials.

@TheDweck

This Mother's Day, don't forget to thank your mom for not putting you on the cover of Time Magazine.

@TheDweck

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Writer for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

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@TheDweck’s (Jess Dweck) best tweetsMost Favorited Tweets Most Retweeted Tweets

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@TheDweck’s (Jess Dweck) best tweets
Most Favorited Tweets Most Retweeted Tweets