@ztesh I'll pour out some liquor for you, homes.

TV weatherman: "Dress for the teens." Pedophile: "I always dress for the teens."

"I'll be damned if Obama's gonna take my guns. Activia!"

...Homeless HGTV. Oh, wait...

Interesting that I haven't seen any milk with an expiration date past 12/21/12.

@ztesh True dat, son.

@ztesh It is Thed--one word. I've been asked a few times. And I thank you for your compliment, you chiseled god.

I really hate it when bears act all ghetto and tweet "I'm tryna get this honey."

Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" synchronizes perfectly with a box of Honey Bunches of Oats....

Some blonde on the street to my puppy: "You can teethe on me all night long." Bros, I hope you are all taking notes....

Some days I just wish that I had the flame whip from "Castlevania."

@ztesh Thank you. Right back at you.

Wife: "You're more like a delta male."

@andarneros @ztesh I'm so sorry.

@ztesh You're right. There is no beer. It's all diet cherry soda and Bugles.

@ztesh So I guess hell is a lot like Monday Night Football.

St. Peter: "You're dead." Me: "No way." St. Peter: "Way." Me: "Nuh-uh." St. Peter: "Uh-huh." This conversation goes on forever...

The best thing to come from Seth MacFarlane's #Oscars: now we can identify all the self-important humor critics who can tell us how to feel.

Panera should do a tie-in with HBO: Game of Scones.

Honey Bunches of Whores #RejectedCereals