Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I cannot remember a person's name five minutes after meeting them, but I still know where every hidden 1-up mushroom is in Super Mario Bros.
Jesus is the reason for the season. And the Crusades. And bigotry against homosexuals. And the KKK. And the Westboro Baptist Church.
If you use the low-fat instructions when you make Mac & Cheese I wish you luck in your Jihad against America.
Every kiss begins with Kay, but every dry, bitter handjob starts with Zales.
I found out recently that the only thing Canadians think about all day is murder.
I don't care who you are, what you do, or how smart or rich you are, there is a YouTube commenter who thinks "your a dum faggit."
Kim Kardashian is divorcing because her husband flirted, called her fat, and made fun of her family. Her husband is Twitter, apparently.
"President Lincoln has been shot!"
"Pics, or it didn't happen."
- One of my ancestors, probably
My DVR allows me to transfer programs to my VCR because it evidently thinks I like Werther's Original and still say "colored people".
Autocorrect suggested martyred when I was typing married. Touché, Autocorrect. Touché...
"I totally fucked your mom." - Your dad
When someone says to me, "You're so funny" I ask them to write it out, and if it says, "Your so funny" I don't value their opinion.
Got into an argument with a homeless guy about religion. Felt my 'I have to go to my warm home and watch my 52" HDTV' closing was strong.
If you have never called 867-5309 and asked for a Jenny, we could never be friends, and I don't know what you're doing with your free time.
I will take the Christ right the fuck out of Christmas if I'm sitting on a 145-character Xmas-themed tweet and I cannot make any more edits.
Used Obi-Wan logic on a homeless guy: "Anything can be a home, so you're not homeless, from a certain point of view." Also, he stabbed me.
Can we all just admit it would SUCK to know somebody who survived the Holocaust because you could never complain about anything, EVER?
If I get to 200 followers today I guarantee I will masturbate. I also guarantee to masturbate if I lose followers. Or if the sun sets.
According to my spam folder I won the UK Lottery and have a small penis with erectile dysfunction. But since I'm rich now it doesn't matter.