i dont understand this whole 'guest tweeting' concept. it's like intentionally leaving your facebook signed in at your weird friends house.

Don't flatter yourself. It's called morning wood and it's involuntary.

The international hand sign for 'do you smke weed?' Is also the same hand sign for 'can I suck your tiny penis?'

The funniest people on twitter aren't the comedians, but the regular Joes who would rather talk shit at the bar than talk on a microphone.

I have important opinions and insights about politics and social issues but I choose to stick with poop jokes so you guys will like me.

I thought instagram was when you find a bag of coke on the ground.

Wooden shoe know it, clogs aren't that comfortable.

If I get to 1000 followers today I promise to masturbate and maybe even eat a sandwich.

This ugly girl I don't really like invited me out for drinks. Long story short, I'm wasted and we're fucking in a Burger King bathroom.

I'm not addicted to my phone. I'm addicted to the funny people who live inside it.

she thinks I'm an ex-boxer. she has no idea I actually said "xboxer".

Wanna successfully creep someone out? Retweet their very first tweet.

I'm taking yoga classes so I can fuck your ass and eat you out at the same time.

Sometimes I forget that you guys are real people and not just little pictures that live in my phone and tell me jokes.

I just made a cottage cheese and sauerkraut sandwich. To throw at some guy, not to eat. That would be gross.

You know that feeling when the married woman at the bar puts her hand down your pants and your pubes get caught on her wedding ring? That.

Sometimes I feel like I'm crumping in the wrong direction.

Old drunk lady fell into my lap laughing when she was trying to get off the bus. I want to be just like her when I grow up.

At one point I passed out and people started writing tweets on my face with a permanent marker. #LVTU

I need a girl with junk in the trunk. Preferably beer, weed and spray paint.