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Best thing about running a marathon? When you cross the finish line the beer tent is within crawling distance #beerrun
I'm happier than a nymphomaniac in a dildo factory
Today I found out my boobs weight like 17lbs.... no wonder my back hurts :/
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter
Dear GPS: fuck you. No, I will not turn left into the concrete barrier. Shut it before I recalculate your face. Thanks
Misinterpreted quote of the day, "he came and I didn't get a chance to finish." Let the blushing commence
He may be married, but a wedding ring doesn't keep his pants up.
I love you... and naps. But mostly naps
My brain weighs about 3 lbs.... my tits weight about 15 lbs.... evolution sure has granted me with what will get me farther in life
A 5'10'' girl trying on 6in heels=best day of my life
Bed at 5:30am then up at 9:30 unable to fall back asleep. Happy flicking new year
Gravity..... we meet again....
Every day is #tittytuesday for real women... unless you're Keira Knightly.
If I want to stay you in the eye with a spork it may mean that I'm not sure how long this relationship will last. Just maybe
Do not try this at home... unless you have three friends, a dozen socks, a cattle prod, a duck, no shame, and towel. Never forget the towel.
Alright boss so I asked off for new years... it's not like it happens every year or anything.
Meat is murder!!!!!! Mmmm tasty, tasty murder
Licensed massage therapist, bartender, puppy whisperer, writer, international jewel thief, and outdoorswoman extraordinaire