@robdelaney dude, mayday http://t.co/fo0cnYpo

Next time you think I'm calling you "buddy," think again, butty.

Aquafina bottle = a queef in a bottle.

OMG DO NOT GO OUTSIDE YOU GUYS http://t.co/AfAarIVf

I hate fake pieces of shit. Like, if you're gonna be a piece of shit, AT LEAST BE A REAL PIECE OF SHIT

“Bob for apples” apparently is not a political campaign

Finnish guys last nice.

Whenever they get my order wrong at a restaurant I slam my fists on the table and scream "I'm in a FUCKING BAND" then I flip that table bro

If I'm sober long enough this weird thing happens where I start to realize I'm a fucking adult.

every time girls talk about "pampering" themselves I just imagine them sitting around in diapers

Ever spill some beer and realize it looks like two wieners touching? #yolo http://t.co/5zIYhFoy

Made up a word for when you get stoned alone, it’s called getting Stalloned, you guys can use it if you like

SIPPIN ON JUICY JUICE LAID BACK WITH MY MIND ON MY MOMMY AND MY MOMMY ON MY MIND

sext: it's dark, neither of us have genitals but we'll never admit it, I slide a microphone into your PB & J, how long do we do this for?

Practicing my bathroom mirror pics for the Awkward Douche Olympics http://t.co/DzzMOj8l

Is this what rock bottom is like? RT @katharsis78: This nachos lunchable is really hitting the spot right now.

Tried to convince my 18 year-old cousin that arguing with a 10 year-old is pointless. Then I realized the irony.

Tradition in my family is you gotta fly that turkey around like a kite first, RUN FASTER TIMMY

Yep. http://t.co/RV6OxPxz

You must not know 'bout me. You must not know 'bout me. I could have another you in a minute, gimme two water balloons and a hot pocket.