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  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    I'm not gonna lie. I've been drinking. And tweeting. And pooping. All at the same time. We're all close, so I can tell you this.

    • 50
    • FAVS
    Sirrruhalpha_enigmatraderjimboVoiceOfReason25StephenBCramerBarebakAssassinBizarreLazarSteelFontana
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsAlBundyIVHaleys_Hell______Notlipstiklesbo__natesle7enpoopingparty______thespacewad______
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    "Please don't put your finger in the cat's butt." - Things people who don't have a 3 year old don't get to say, but I do.

    • 43
    • FAVS
    alpha_enigmatraderjimboVoiceOfReason25StephenBCramerBarebakAssassinjwalkonthemoonSteelFontanaJasonMata1
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    KurttheFearlessmandivarnumpixelpiperBanterpropsBeauBanterMsSugar_Kisses____Haleys_Hell______TheWonderClam____
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    With every technological advance, the one thing you can be certain of is that the Japanese are trying to use it to build a sex robot.

    • 39
    • FAVS
    alpha_enigmatraderjimboVoiceOfReason25StephenBCramerBarebakAssassinJasonMata1darinlovesbaconpixelpiper
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    cmplaywthmeHood_RTsSpiderogermchanktrinasuxBebastianSachthespacewad______Yitryn
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    If you drink five 5 Hour Energy shots in a day, you get a magic, extra hour no one else gets. That's just science.

    • 35
    • FAVS
    latrimble29alpha_enigmatraderjimboVoiceOfReason25StephenBCramerBarebakAssassinjwalkonthemoontrevso_electric
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    alpha_enigmasbpd861__________winstamaxallanonmagekittenishcutierosiefolks99smilum77Ebrad232
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    If a porn star invites you to a snowball fight, decline.

    • 30
    • FAVS
    MILF_Squaredalpha_enigmaVoiceOfReason25BarebakAssassinDirlyGirlyJasonMata1xGingerAvengerMrPutto
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    VoluptuousgirlyMILF_Squaredalpha_enigmafavstar_popCool_Jesseambiensleepvim_stormPwnStar629
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    Dear Santa. This year for Christmas, I want the ability to make people bleed profusely from their eyes with my mind. Or a pony. Thanks.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    alpha_enigmatraderjimboglittersparkle3lvvqCrazedinNYC______allisonjpA_HumblePancakestrobegold________
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    toniajradamcrazypants____favstar_popMihawkBloodMizBlueBallsOkNowRunFRANKSTALICIOUSSeeEllVee
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    Having a three year old is like having a parrot you can't feed to the cat.

    • 24
    • FAVS
    alpha_enigmatraderjimboBarebakAssassinjwalkonthemoonLipglosslesboMike_WrongMelAlmightyjeff_ratfamily____
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_popnatesle7enNaturalBornGriz__DctorFunpossum_plaguewinstamax
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    There are people I'm convinced would still go "LOL" even after you stabbed them in the face.

    • 20
    • FAVS
    alpha_enigmatraderjimboBarebakAssassinRetroPVAmichael_j_mSamuelMoenicustarmole______JuiceAgenda______
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    muckitupsallySteve_GBeauBanterSpiderogerDoggingNinjabadpancreasDeerPassionminnierosegray
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    "Try drilling a hole in your head to let the demons out" - Me to everyone on Facebook that posts about how they don't feel good or are sick

    • 25
    • FAVS
    alpha_enigmatraderjimboBarebakAssassinLipglosslesboMelAlmightyjeff_ratfamily____icustarmole______1BigMick
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    DctorFunCrazedinNYC______TheWonderClam____Spideroger
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    Finding funny people on Twitter and starfucking them within an inch of their life is as close to banging a stranger as my wife will allow me

    • 24
    • FAVS
    LilyTrailalpha_enigmatraderjimboBarebakAssassinEccentricPixieTraylorParkerLicoriceNipples______Haleys_Hell______
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    alpha_enigmatclydefroggKimmmslifeSexxxiMommmy______
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    The dyslexic devil worshippers next door just sacrificed a toga to Santa.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    alpha_enigmatraderjimboBarebakAssassinBizarreLazarjwalkonthemoonCountGripsnatchjacobcSpotswoj__________
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    traderjimbofavstar_popSpotswoj__________quaxzifr______STRiKLYBUSiNESS__ladyjazsjunkSteelFontana
    SteelFontana
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    I'm not gonna lie...when I look up a porn star on Twitter but it gives me some fat soccer mom with the same name, I'm still aroused.

    • 22
    • FAVS
    alpha_enigmaBarebakAssassinBananaDolphinspartacuffs______PinballtecSkamber___________favstar_popambiensleep
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_popCzickenShacklulusgirl888Powerpuss_________
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    Wait, scissoring is...ohhhh...and here I thought lesbians were just REALLY into scrapbooking.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    bodachiousalpha_enigmaBarebakAssassinDirlyGirlyACCutsGawga_DawgAMNelson999DforDerivative
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    alpha_enigmatcroundsCool_Jesse
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    Calling INS on yourself could be a cool way to get a free vacation in Mexico.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    alpha_enigmaBarebakAssassinMelAlmightyjeff_ratfamily____jennslynBraddecisionDctorFunKimpulses
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    homtankzDctorFunericboveSpiderogerMr__Grape
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    A one-armed chainsaw juggler can't applaud himself so you need to do it for him.

    • 23
    • FAVS
    BarebakAssassinjwalkonthemoonMelAlmightyjeff_ratfamily____icustarmole______SpiderogerKim_pulsiveericbove
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    possum_plague
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    Used my wife's Summer's Eve feminine wash on my butthole in the shower and now it smells like a delicate blossom. Who wants to smell it?

    • 19
    • FAVS
    alpha_enigmatraderjimboBarebakAssassinACCutsKottyn_Kandee____dichotomydivaChurningTurdum____Liquorface________
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    bdbdleeroybrown
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    Everyone knows unicorns fart glitter, but many people don't know they poop gumdrops. That's just science.

    • 18
    • FAVS
    alpha_enigmatraderjimboBarebakAssassinjwalkonthemoonwarrior_n_pink_____B4TM4NLicoriceNipples______JaneOnymous
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    _yoitsalexPissOnLyss
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    I've recently learned from commercials that you should NEVER give a hipster a Heineken or they will just hang around forever and smell bad.

    • 17
    • FAVS
    ElliceRocksalpha_enigmaBarebakAssassinMelAlmightyDctorFunTheWonderClam____SpiderogerTequilaTears
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    alpha_enigmaWhoCuppedMyCake__possum_plague
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    I'm annoyed that so many people don't take me seriously when I hold the mistletoe over my taint.

    • 16
    • FAVS
    alpha_enigmaMrsJekyllsHydeglittersparkle3yadirochaHiHighHigherauthordrewcross__ImKevinito________PORNOPINION
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    ispypanda
  • thejaguarr
      jaguarr @thejaguarr

    When I enlarge your avi and it's just a giant fucking pixelated blur, that's how I see you from then on.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    BarebakAssassinDctorFunericboveTheWonderClam____SpiderogerHaleys_Hell______TequilaTearspossum_plague
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    messedupagain____19Seven2__________Notlipstiklesbo__
@thejaguarr

@thejaguarr

Pantalones en fuego.