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I'm not gonna lie. I've been drinking. And tweeting. And pooping. All at the same time. We're all close, so I can tell you this.
"Please don't put your finger in the cat's butt." - Things people who don't have a 3 year old don't get to say, but I do.
With every technological advance, the one thing you can be certain of is that the Japanese are trying to use it to build a sex robot.
If you drink five 5 Hour Energy shots in a day, you get a magic, extra hour no one else gets. That's just science.
If a porn star invites you to a snowball fight, decline.
Dear Santa. This year for Christmas, I want the ability to make people bleed profusely from their eyes with my mind. Or a pony. Thanks.
Having a three year old is like having a parrot you can't feed to the cat.
There are people I'm convinced would still go "LOL" even after you stabbed them in the face.
"Try drilling a hole in your head to let the demons out" - Me to everyone on Facebook that posts about how they don't feel good or are sick
Finding funny people on Twitter and starfucking them within an inch of their life is as close to banging a stranger as my wife will allow me
The dyslexic devil worshippers next door just sacrificed a toga to Santa.
I'm not gonna lie...when I look up a porn star on Twitter but it gives me some fat soccer mom with the same name, I'm still aroused.
Wait, scissoring is...ohhhh...and here I thought lesbians were just REALLY into scrapbooking.
Calling INS on yourself could be a cool way to get a free vacation in Mexico.
A one-armed chainsaw juggler can't applaud himself so you need to do it for him.
Used my wife's Summer's Eve feminine wash on my butthole in the shower and now it smells like a delicate blossom. Who wants to smell it?
Everyone knows unicorns fart glitter, but many people don't know they poop gumdrops. That's just science.
I've recently learned from commercials that you should NEVER give a hipster a Heineken or they will just hang around forever and smell bad.
I'm annoyed that so many people don't take me seriously when I hold the mistletoe over my taint.