When you make your conference call run way over time, I assume you are wanting to listen to me poop over the phone.

Ate applesauce with a fork, tonight. Because. I. Do. Not. Give. A. Fuck. Not one, bitches!

I often text my wife sweet little love notes. When I'm pooping. Because that is true romance.

Named my toilet the Snake Den, because when you eat 3500 calories a day, you're going to birth a few anacondas.

Your tweets are like a penile fracture at the moment of orgasm; they ruin what should have been beautiful.

"There will be blood!" she screamed as she yanked out her tampon and sat on my face.

(Even I don't know what this is about, so don't ask).

This Scottish lady in the Dewar's commercials is kind of a mean drunk.

I'm not on here much these days, but I wanted to say that I hope you all get fucked for New Years. The kind with the yummy kind of pain.

Please insert my random dick joke in your random pussy joke. Repeat vigorously until we simultaneously shoot laughter all over each other.

It's almost Christmas, also known as "Dwarf Actor Commercial Role Season".

Trimmed up the hair around my asshole tonight. Just what the fuck are you doing with your life?

Wrote "You were a mean, stuck-up bitch in high school" on my Facebook wall to no one in particular. Have been watching the hilarity all day.

The ability to shit other people's pants while they were still in them would be a pretty awesome superpower.

I kind of feel like some assplay tonight, but I ate a big plate of Mexican food for dinner. Recipe for disaster or ultimate bliss?

There is now spit, piss, shit and cum in my toilet. If I add some blood, bone marrow and spinal fluid I'll resurrect John Holmes.

A REAL hipster would kill themselves long before it ever became cool.

So, I just swatted a fly out of the air and into the toilet where I flushed him before he could get out. What the fuck have you done today?

Nicki Minaj is the sound of Satan's infected bowel tract.

In the 80's, EVERYONE wore a Member's Only jacket. And that, my friends, is called "irony".

I was off of Twitter for months and now I feel like I just don't know some of you anymore.