Soy sauce is Spanish for I Am Sauce.

There's no way my Dads are gay.

2% milk, and 98% MYSTERY.....

Accidentally bought a Venti at Starbucks and now I can't afford to go to college :(

This dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.

The best place to hide a dead body is at the bottom of the $5 DVD bin at Wal Mart.

If Twitter had a swear jar, we could buy a continent.

Any pill is a sleeping pill if you take enough of them at once.

Being broke is a pretty successful diet.

“I AM NOT A CHILD!” I scream, slamming my briefcase onto the table, only to watch in horror as the latch breaks and my legos fly everywhere.

Facebook is really just a contest to see who can say Happy Birthday as unenthusiastically as possible.

Roses are red. I hate women.

A car accident sounds pretty deadly unless you think of car accident meaning the car peed it's pants in front of all the other cars.

How To Untangle Headphones:
1) Remove From Pocket
2) Flail Arm For Three Years

How To Impress Girls: Push on the pull door until it opens.

"....................." -Me, Flirting

I'm sorry I haven't really been on Twitter the past few days. I've been watching a girl parallel park.

I admire your effort, two-story McDonalds, but are you assuming that any of your customers have the physical capacity to "use stairs?"

How To Destroy Something: 1) Be me 2) Touch it

I just accidentally brushed my teeth with warm water, so I feel your pain, Third World Countries.