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Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
I have Alzheimer's.
Hey I just met you
A pessimist is always alone. An optimist is just two people away from a threesome.
Optimus has 7 letters in it. 7 is a prime number. Therefore Optimus is Prime.
Fuck, I need to get laid.
Dyslexia turns me no.
Phones get thinner and smarter while humans get fatter and dumber.
If James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman tickled each other, the sound of their laughter would cure at least one type of cancer.
My life has pretty much gone downhill ever since I stopped making blanket forts.
If I had 10 chocolate cakes and someone asked me for one, how many would I have left? That's right, 10.
Not impressed with Jesus being able to turn water into wine. I know for a fact Russians can turn potatoes into vodka.
I'm afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
I have too many jokes about unemployed people but none of them really work .......
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.
You know what would be fun? Grabbing a little girl by the shoulders and screaming, "I'm you from the future!"
If there's one thing I've learned from my parents' marriage, it's that one person is always right and the other one is the husband.
You can always tell a lot about a driver just by the location of their car. For example, if it's in a ditch, it's an Asian woman.
What doesn't kill you will make you drink stronger liquor.
Hey guys, your dick isn't like Pinocchio's nose. It doesn't grow every time you lie.
I'm sorry. You seem to have mistaken me for a woman who will take your shit.
Shouldn't 911 have a texting service? Just in case I'm hiding from a serial killer and can't talk?
hockey has my heart. so do star wars and pizza subs. instagram: thekatvonb