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Apparently one of my favourite romantic sex positions is the 96. That's where you sleep with your backs to each other and never speak again.
Sometimes my mom says she's smarter than me, but who's living rent free in whose house and who's eating all whose groceries?
It's important to remember there are more people helping the victims than there are people creating the victims.
I'm still not convinced Mitt Romney was born.
Salvador Dali was cuckoo for Coco Puffs because, you know, cerealism.
I wish the all-you-can-eat nacho place was open. And real.
I wish I had Jamie Lee Curtis's breezy "I'm here to help you poop" confidence.
#CheatingIsOkayIf you #NameYourVaginaAfterAMovie.
Do. Not. Fuck. With. Big. Bird.
Life is like Hamlet: high school kids don't understand it and everyone ends up dead.
Big shout out to uteruses, the original 3D printers.
It's crazy how embryos grow on their own out in the open and not inside a sentient, self-aware creature with rights and freedoms.
Dialed M for murder. Surprisingly ineffective.
"I wish I could answer phone calls with my Walkman." -Steve Jobs in the 80's
I want to fuck the love out of you. I mean, I want to love the fuck out of you. I mean… I'm sorry, I've never ordered at Taco Bell before.
As an atheist I'm a popeless romantic.
Foreclosed Ranch #SadChipFlavors
Imagine if the 11th commandment had been "…and don't be a dick about it."
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to be successful gay architects.