I once lived at a Burning Man camp that served to Vegazzle Vaginas. #SparklePussy forever.

I went out of my mind tonight, like Richard Dreyfuss VS mash potatoes crazy & made this:  https://vine.co/v/b9F0MOF71aP 

@theleanover I never do. This is why I'm on twitter at 2:42 AM.

I'm initiating a hostile takeover. In my pants.

Gonna be a total fucking badass and RT things that ARE endorsements.

I will never adopt the metric system and I will NEVER pronounce it "JIF" #GIForGTFO

@theleanover star wars

First name, Jacqueline. Last name, Carbajal. (I don't understand this joke format)

@theleanover I used to have that same move, but I live in Seattle and it's a bitch trying to get butterscotch pudding out of fleece.

I should not watch Dr. Who before bed. So much adrenaline pumping thru me, there's no way I can fall asleep!

.@theleanover I drop the mic on a nightly basis like it's hot fire, then get fired for being a terrible roadie and uncertified electrician.

It's simply not fair that insomnia doesn't aid weight loss. It's like fasting, but for your brains.

@theleanover "drinkin a beer in a jacuzzi, did i tell you about my sadness, its overwhelming" - the national

"They should make marijuana legal and free, BUT CHARGE FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR ROLLING PAPERS!" - the "Chris Rock" of sober comedy.

You bastards you crashed it

guys, there was a little bug swimming in my cheerio milk. and i just picked him out and kept on eating because i am a grown up now.

I'd go to bed, but then who would be here to bravely battle the night panics?

@theleanover and we all have to make money! Sad, but true.

Hey punks, Carrie Brownstein did an American Express ad, so we can do anything! I'm not even making fun of her. I mean it.

Fucking 200 guys a day is intensive. RT “@theleanover: Who has time for sex? Writing 100 tweets a day is so work intensive.”