I'm just surprised Superman didn't step in to prevent them from rebooting the Superman franchise again.

Oh nothing just bawling watching the last 7 minutes of Toy Story 3 again.

I'm God.

I'm going to bed.

always sad when you outgrow old friends (i'm 18 feet tall now)

i’m coding a computer game called Long Haul Trucker Simulator. the screen blinks “STAY AWAKE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD” for 48 hours and that’s it

Hi @jakefogelnest

My degree made me just smart enough to know that I should have never taken out those student loans to get a degree.

I'm at the point where even my imaginary girlfriend is disappointed in me.

I like the way you pressed that elevator button, all entitled and sweatervesty.

Tired of getting razzed by trolls for my microblogging. I post great content here every day for free. I brighten up the world with laughter.

What time did Fresh Prince pull up to the house?
A. about 7:00 or 8:00
B. 5:30
C. 9:45

Studies show we aren't doing anything right.

Wiping my tears with a donut.

Turning words into validation like a really sad transformer.

I'm so poor, I'd write for Leno.

Private thoughts are so done.

her orbs need kneading
you take overt nudes keenly
rub one, boy. one tit
#haikucronym

I know what day it is silly billy but I still need a 400 dollar check made out to Planned Parenthood.

I feel like most of my commitment issues trace back to seeing a community theater production of "Uncle Vanya" at an impressionable age.