Somewhere, Taylor Swift smiles while unbending a coat hanger, slowly plotting her revenge. #kimye

TurboTax just told me I owe my mom a phone call.

Your dad has a line on his face for every dream he gave up.

Drunk texting is actually called an Irish Email.

"Let's talk about sex, baby!" - a pedophile, talking to a baby

Have you guys seen my "Family Ties" action figures? I'm missing Mallory.

If rappers were on Twitter when I was first getting into rap, I definitely wouldn't have continued being into rap.

"We probably should've used more than rock n roll." - a concerned city planner, to the mayor, standing next to a recently destroyed city

If you're not a fan of collective bargaining, don't watch the Oscars tonight. Because those people winning awards are all members of unions.

Success is 10% inspiration and 90% being thin.

I like my ladies how I like my bathtubs – curvy and filled with champagne.

My dad wants to know if you guys want white or red wine with your McNuggets.

It's fun to watch American Psycho and think of it as a prequel to Batman Begins.

I like 'em Young, Dumb and Full of Community Quotes.

I'll raise these Sour Patch Kids like they were my own.

"Make like a tree and DIE!" - Arnold Schwarzenegger, moments before shooting a tree

Jack Nicholson's muppeteer needs more practice.

Donkey Kong was a pretty racist depiction of what it's like to grow up in New York City's Little Italy.

If you're bipolar and you know it, laugh and cry.

"Yesterday / All my troubles seemed so dumb and gay." #Beatles #FirstDraft