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The BBC have outdone themselves with this year's April Fools joke. http://t.co/oApV9Yjx
My social skills destroyed by twitter, I wander the streets. I approach a couple at a bus stop. "Here is a picture of a cat," I say.
Rebekah Brooks is now blankly denying everything. "I never worked at the News of the World!" "I don't even have hands!" "I don't exist!"
Before everyone gets too uptight, let's all take a look at the Ed Miliband puppy and calm down: http://t.co/J9t6TxZc Goodnight.
Sometimes you have to work hard to be satirical, and sometimes satire does all the work for you. http://twitpic.com/5n1wx9
I predicted the invention of Twitter in 1989 when I uttered the words: "I am going to waste my life."
Of course, Sherlock actually traded places with a shapeshifting robot filled with tiny people who travel through time hunting criminals.
John Terry denies that Robin Van Persie scored a hat-trick. "It was a misunderstanding," he explains.
HOLD THE FRONT PAGE. WE HAVE A NEW WINNER. POSSIBLY THE BEST URL OF ALL TIME: http://t.co/HtmSgUHV
For us, advent calendars are fine. But from the point of view of the trapped chocolate, they are quite sinister. http://t.co/1HRWkERR
There's probably some poor sod on Twitter right now, trying to make a serious political point. He's got his timing very wrong.
Trying to explain to normal people that you're popular on Twitter is like saying: "I have a big fanbase amongst elves and hobbits."
Before we judge David Starkey, I think we should look at the cultural and socio-economic factors that led him to become so disenfranchised.
Before Twitter, people had no idea if it was snowing or not. They would trudge through miles of snow in bikinis, convinced it was summer.
I don't want to alarm any of you, but I'm starting to worry that George Osborne doesn't know what he is doing.
I am taking a year off Twitter to work on my golf swing.
