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My social skills destroyed by twitter, I wander the streets. I approach a couple at a bus stop. "Here is a picture of a cat," I say.
Rebekah Brooks is now blankly denying everything. "I never worked at the News of the World!" "I don't even have hands!" "I don't exist!"
I predicted the invention of Twitter in 1989 when I uttered the words: "I am going to waste my life."
Of course, Sherlock actually traded places with a shapeshifting robot filled with tiny people who travel through time hunting criminals.
John Terry denies that Robin Van Persie scored a hat-trick. "It was a misunderstanding," he explains.
There's probably some poor sod on Twitter right now, trying to make a serious political point. He's got his timing very wrong.
Trying to explain to normal people that you're popular on Twitter is like saying: "I have a big fanbase amongst elves and hobbits."
Before we judge David Starkey, I think we should look at the cultural and socio-economic factors that led him to become so disenfranchised.
Before Twitter, people had no idea if it was snowing or not. They would trudge through miles of snow in bikinis, convinced it was summer.
I don't want to alarm any of you, but I'm starting to worry that George Osborne doesn't know what he is doing.
I am taking a year off Twitter to work on my golf swing.