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I once dated a guy for eight months. He dated me for three.
Do you assume that I'm working out when I say I'm going to the gym? How do you know I'm not just sitting in the locker room for two hours?
Why don't you learn to drive you stupid unconscious asshole?!
Oh, hey mom! When did you get a new car?
How about those peopleeeee? Whose voice goes up at the end of every sentenceeee. Why do you do thattttt? I find it gratinggggg.
If stress were a diet, I'd be a size two by mid-summer.
There's nothing wrong with picking up a guy at the airport. If you're lucky, you'll never see him again.
Wow, I'm so glad you know everything there is to know about everything. I like people like you.
If there's a moose on the side of the road, I'm riding it.
I feel like I've accomplished a lot this weekend and I'm sitting here wondering what to do next. How about just sitting?
Note to self: remove heels before dancing in the shower.
Did you just beep me?
I'll call you back once I find a pay phone.
I've only had one glass of wine....says the girl who refilled her glass without it being empty.
Why does the European education system seem so much better and well-rounded than education in the U.S.?
If you bowl while while wearing sunglasses, you're an asshole.
Don't do a Stevie Wonder impersonation while drunk. Not. Good.
"Call me big daddy when you back that thing up."
Me, to myself, as I pack boxes and move 'em around.
Yes, I am drinking.
Thanks for posting a 'before' picture of your lunch.
Don't forget to post a pic of the 'after'.
There's a difference between cleavage and sloppy tits. I wish people knew that.
I'm going to invite all my twitter followers to my wedding. And that's it.
It'd fucking rock!!
Just realized that I have to give a gift to the couple whose wedding I'm attending. I'm flying in for it, aren't I gift enough?!
First thing on my to do list: live unapologetically.