When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell "Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!"

Never really liked SEINFELD, huh? (throws hot soup into date's face, sprints from restaurant, tosses cell phone into ocean)

"Be there in 5," I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

Bring the cash to the mall food court or I kill your son. I'll be at Panda Express. No, Steak Escape. Ooo...Sbarro! Lemme call you back.

I'm a great juggler, but I never do it for the girls I date. I need to make sure they're falling in love with ME and not my juggling.

I now pronounce you man and...oh you're both looking at your iPhones. I'll wait.

My apartment is so hot John Mayer just lazily fingered it while yawning.

Instagram's down so I'm just begging strange women on the street to show me how pretty their nails are.

"I'm...STORING! All ya clothes. Ya hats...ya scarves? They're...all here. In-SIDE me, baby." - a Walken closet

10 years ago today I married my best friend. My wife was furious.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but chips and dips excite me.

When I fast-forward commercials & I go 5 seconds too far my girlfriend reacts as if I've just shot her in the face.

Now I ain't saying she a gold digger! But she ain't messing with no broke (looks around party warily)

Jesus Christ, did I date Adobe Reader at some point?

I roll up in the Pizza Hut with my dick out and scream "Where my meat lovers at?!" An elderly Asian man raises his hand and we marry.

Hugh Jackman...makes robots fight...to earn the love of his...son? Sorry, I don't have a pitch prepared. Wait, you want to make it?!?

69-ing is rad because you get to simultaneously give and receive subpar, strained oral sex with your nose inside a butt.

Hugh Grant just finished a sentence he started in 2007.

Grandpa, tell me again about G-Unit?

I used to sneak my Jehovah's Witness friend out trick-or-treating with me. I was basically the Harriet Tubman of the mini-Twix circuit.