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When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell "Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!"
How much would you pay to see Kanye West run through a spiderweb he wasn't expecting?
I'm sorry, is your name Jaden Smith? No? Then don't tell me how to live my life.
"Be there in 5," I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Never really liked SEINFELD, huh? (throws hot soup into date's face, sprints from restaurant, tosses cell phone into ocean)
Bring the cash to the mall food court or I kill your son. I'll be at Panda Express. No, Steak Escape. Ooo...Sbarro! Lemme call you back.
I now pronounce you man and...oh you're both looking at your iPhones. I'll wait.
My apartment is so hot John Mayer just lazily fingered it while yawning.
I'm a great juggler, but I never do it for the girls I date. I need to make sure they're falling in love with ME and not my juggling.
Instagram's down so I'm just begging strange women on the street to show me how pretty their nails are.
"I'm...STORING! All ya clothes. Ya hats...ya scarves? They're...all here. In-SIDE me, baby." - a Walken closet
10 years ago today I married my best friend. My wife was furious.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but chips and dips excite me.
When I fast-forward commercials & I go 5 seconds too far my girlfriend reacts as if I've just shot her in the face.
Now I ain't saying she a gold digger! But she ain't messing with no broke (looks around party warily)
I go to therapy just so someone will talk to me without looking at their phone.
Jesus Christ, did I date Adobe Reader at some point?
I roll up in the Pizza Hut with my dick out and scream "Where my meat lovers at?!" An elderly Asian man raises his hand and we marry.
Hugh Jackman...makes robots fight...to earn the love of his...son? Sorry, I don't have a pitch prepared. Wait, you want to make it?!?
The world will be a fiery hellscape in 20 years, go ask that girl you like to a movie.
TV Writer (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 2 Broke Girls). On Vine @thepatrickwalsh