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If I had a nickel for every time I've needed a nickel I wouldn't have needed the nickels I've needed.
I've become really bored with and annoyed by social media and I think I'm going to take a break for a while.
I blast "Return of the Mack" and slip into a form-fitting denim vest.
Mumford breaks a banjo string and cries. The Sons put their arms around him. "It's been a hard week," Mumford sighs. "Sons? Grab my lute."
Welcome back to "Van Morrison Or A Cornered Cat?," the only game show that asks: "Is that Van Morrison or a cornered cat?"
Just visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Walshthusiast.
Mommy, when will I be old enough to...(the boy looks up with tears in his eyes)...murder a pussy?
"Welcome to Amsterdam! We hope you enjoy your carefully appointed room. Might I recommend a restaur--" "Where the drugs at?!"
Dinner is served. In lieu of a prayer, I ask that we all take out our phones, snap photos of our meals, and post them to Instagram.
"Play "Tears in Heaven!" she screams at the stage, lifting her shirt to reveal wildly misshapen fake breasts. Clapton sighs, and obliges.
I can always tell how much I drank the night before by where my clothes wind up. This morning they're not here and there's a dead clown.
@robfee you've had 150 AIR BUD tweets and I'm willing to bet you've never even played basketball with a dog
@hadzilla preferred this nickname when it was "fatdick." Kind of hurts now.
I keep calling Paris "P-Town." It's not catching on like I'd hoped. Language barrier thing?
A French girl exhales her cigarette smoke and smiles at me. I effortlessly release my bowels into my jeans and return the smile. It is on.
Guys. We need more dog pics. Gotta. Have. More. Pics. Of. That. Dog. Surely there's an angle or two we haven't seen? Dog pics you guys.
Just arrived in Paris. Was immediately handed my complimentary grocery bag with oversized baguette sticking out the top.
Played sassy next-door neighbor Pasty Chuckleton on the short-lived 227 spinoff 228. Now I write for TV (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 2 Broke Girls).
