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~ I'd be more concerned if you had a pair of boots that weren't made for walking.
~ If you ever use the phrase “chillaxin”, I may have to killmurder you in your snoozesleepin.
~ Some guy just called me "gay"!! I was so shocked I almost choked on his dick.
If I were Jesus, I'd go to the Paralympics and heal everybody, just for lols.
~ If it's so 'inappropriate' for me to wear green, then you shouldn't have scheduled this funeral on St. Patrick's Day.
~ Be oppressive! Be, be oppressive! – Tyranical cheerleaders.
~ Saw two people Eskimo kissing each other. They were totally getting Inuit.
~ Hacking ancestry .com to give myself a better genealogy.
~ Id make a bad chocolate dealer. Id always sample more product than I push & probably construct an illegal chocolate lab in the backyard
~ Excuse me for being Australian but what's a Honey Boo Boo?
~ With all the technology we have, how come envelope gum still taste bad? How about flavoured envelopes? Do I have to think of everything?
~ If Mars needs guitars, what does Venus need?
~ I'm giving up giving up things for Lent... for Lent.
~ I need to call in an exterminator. Just saw something scurrying around behind my piles of junk. And I think it had a rat in its mouth.
~ I wish I had Magneto powers, except over plastic so I can have fun rearranging the faces of Beverley Hills bitches.
~ I try to use all 140 characters so you can't manually retweet it. Panda panda panda panda panda panda panda panda panda panda panda panda
~ Do laser pointers even HAVE a purpose apart from making cats slam head-first into walls?
~ The first thing they teach you in ninja school is how to shave food off other people's lunches in the work fridge without getting caught.
~ In Australia we’re a day in front of the Americans. We’re assholes for not warning them about 9/11 when it was still 9/10 over there.
~ The French restauant in town is haunted by a ghost waiter! And it's giving everyone the crepes.