Thank god for Google's instant search. It's not like I have all second.

I have no ikea how to build this shelving unit.

Weird. People are happy about finding starfish on the beach. No one walks through a field & says, "Oh look, a dead cow for my collection!"

My fellow Americans, American Idol is still on the air & Snooki's book is a bestseller. Do you still think education cuts are a good idea?

How could any criminal charge with the word "mischief" in it be a felony? That's like doing hard time for "hijinks" or "shenanigans."

Better to have pancakes for dinner than never to have loved at all.

If you show me yours I'll show you what happens when I dial 911.

Don't make me retweet myself.

When I feel fed up with my husband of 22 years, I try to remember a 20-something picked him out. And what do they know?

The trick to parenting is overcoming the feeling that you've raised a complete moron & everything you did was horribly, horribly wrong.

Did I leave the iron on? Is my house on fire? What are hot flashes? How long has that been cooking? Do I have gonorrhea? #BurningQuestions

I have so many tweets awaiting their 50th star. Fine. 7th. Don't be a stickler. Nobody likes a stickler.

Young people are so cute the way they think they won't get old and everything they love won't be irrelevant.

Fewer species would be endangered if they danced for us.

How am I "funny" on Twitter but "needing intense psychotherapy as soon as possible" on FB?

People who live in windmills should not throw caution to the wind.

I already follow the people y'all suggest I follow. I've tweeted myself into a corner. A dark, but hilarious corner.

Men are like horses. They're nothing like horses. Why are you reading this?

I love being added to lists. Makes me feel like a grocery staple.

Burning copies of the Qur'an: When you've failed to light a fire under your congregation any other way.