Thank god for Google's instant search. It's not like I have all second.

If you ask Elf on a Shelf fans, it's okay to waste toiletries & food, draw on mirrors & spook kids. Personally, I'd call an exterminator.

I won't step foot on a treadmill until they invent virtual reality glasses allowing me to virtually rob a bank & run from the cops.

Higher salaries should go to the safekeepers. Firefighters. Police. Some nuns. I don't sleep better knowing there are investment bankers.

Subtweets are stupid. Like I care what the Navy is thinking.

How could any criminal charge with the word "mischief" in it be a felony? That's like doing hard time for "hijinks" or "shenanigans."

My fingers stutter when I try to type twittererererr or cinnamonanmon.

Don't make me retweet myself.

I have no ikea how to build this shelving unit.