There's a special place in hell for those who don't stop and buy lemonade from neighborhood kids... AND HELL IS MIGHTY HOT WITHOUT LEMONADE.

Me: I'm gonna take a quick shower. My 6 yr old: So does that mean I'm in charge? Because I'm gonna change some things, just so you know.

Set a trap to catch a raccoon who wakes us up every night. Aaand we caught our own cat, who was already damn weird & skittish to begin with.

My son took a Russian boar skull for "show & tell" today. In a Neiman Marcus bag. A scene which captures my family's vibe surprisingly well.

It's raining so instead of his usual peeing in the backyard, my son PEED OUT THE PET DOOR. Because, he said, walking on wet grass is gross.

I like to prepare my 8 yr old for all the girls he'll date later. So I ruin nice, quiet moments by asking "What are you thinking about?"

6 yr old to 4 yr old: why is Dora thanking us for all our help when all we did was lay on the couch and watch?

My kids want me to play with them so I said I would play the dead guy AND THEY BOUGHT IT. I am SO gonna take a nap without them noticing.

I've sent the kids outside while I make dinner. They're currently pounding on the front door & crying about the heat. That lock better hold.

Picking up the playroom. Upon finding my finger all sticky, I cleaned it off by licking it. GO ON WITHOUT ME, I'LL ONLY HOLD YOU BACK.

Tip: When playing that name-name-bo-bame-fee-fie-fo-fame game with your kids but using animals instead of names, skip duck.

Have you ever watched someone eating and felt like you got a glimpse into their sex life?

So NO ONE can figure out how to make a Ken doll who looks even remotely interested in women?

4yrold: Look at my trick! *trips, falls on face* That WASN'T my trick. *toots* THAT wasn't my trick either *giggles* Now I forgot my trick.

I love that the 6 yr old girl on the other team stopped in the middle of the soccer game & started doing cartwheels. She's got flair.

The fact that "fridge" has a D in it but "refrigerator" does NOT makes me all twitchy.

These french fried onions have an expiration date of 2047. I'm a little worried they might have some sort of preservative in them.

I keep typing lust instead of list in emails. "All committee members get your lust to me by today!" & "I need the lust of all volunteers!"

I just tried on EITHER a fabulous embroidered skirt OR one of those things you put under your Christmas tree. ANTHROPOLOGIE BESTS ME AGAIN.

I should probably stop saving every tooth my 8 year old loses. I'm starting to feel like some sort of creepy bone collector.