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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job

    • 4,701
    • FAVS
    gsaenz597Priya_27_Mr_KapowskiADavidGambleTateRyannym_alliewickedimpropershopkins776
    • 3,745
    • RETWEETS
    gsaenz597jessiegoldmoonCassandrasJackgill_janMr_KapowskiADavidGamblewickedimpropershopkins776
    BeagirlNJBoozieEyedJoeChymeNewsGroperClevelandDonnie_FairburnPlaying_DadJB_4_RealzheatherjsReverend_ScottmichowlPaperWashMichaelLarrickTheRomanParkerDuke1173ExitThaWarriorArrowsOfTheSunvelvettuskWhiskeySoured__PortRooster__PostedandBeamedrevenge_tanukisWildeThingybbast6CuddleMyHeart____LizWhatsherfaceKalvinMacleodHollyMemphisspekulationSeanX3OliverGuardDog
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents

    • 4,696
    • FAVS
    davidisnotrightavsummsjpkarlssonSDPlissken1FrasierSeinshopkins776dougbiesfunnybeachgirl
    • 3,402
    • RETWEETS
    avsummsshopkins776SharpeBytesDaleIncgreen_eyed_dollgianni_bcnchompy_jrSoGoFu
    Moi_RaRasmilely_galWindPushedGrassgvicksjifdendekkeAngryKoalaFruitJVarsityCaptainDani_FeldSavage_ScavangeNorthside_MikeNinjaFuneral______SoapyJohnsonArrowsOfTheSunThunder_Fart______ericonederfulRyncasaurusVillageShadow____MrsJekyllsHydetor_92_vPoliticallyILL1demented_Ashsamboriffickrissyerased______JorDAMN_SteveSuckingtonStrugglesBGbbDonnie_FairburnDBMaxPMatt_The_1stallisulliSwishergirl24
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Exclamation point rules

    ! - good
    !! - excited
    !!! - awesome
    !!!! - starting to get creepy
    !!!!! - cheerleader creepy
    !!!!!! - own 20 cats

    • 3,473
    • FAVS
    ZoeeSomgsaenz597meddlinkidKeepUpWithKarolkelkulusFrasierSeinStillJessLSshopkins776
    • 3,521
    • RETWEETS
    gsaenz597KevinBuffaloStillJessLSshopkins776DickMarcs67orbustJedi_ZainBeagirlNJ
    MikeZakarianuseful_wagon______llvvzzZatvomanConcernedSirGuyEmileeCaroNolaChef5041800RandygingerfaceddafloydstaI_Mee_Myself_SCBamaManShaunRightNowgrimpossibleBeagleEars406__Northside_Mikejeffreyvanclea1turndownfornapsSenorbrianMd
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    Me trying to turn off a ceiling fan

    • 3,538
    • FAVS
    candidartichokeMr_KapowskiMandiAtRandomDocSlavetiffindramaWickedRapunzelMattOnFireUhohLola
    • 2,157
    • RETWEETS
    gsaenz597candidartichokeMr_KapowskiCelsoPiazziDocSlavetiffindramaWickedRapunzelcocottez
    1bastardangelJosesLovesYouPetPinkElephantHarbinger_oneJamesonN7pbear79hipchkkkodeeezzzymediocregeeRappaRickGrumpyBahrXplodingUnicornGoofpoopsLindaInDisguiseDouchekevin
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

    • 2,861
    • FAVS
    Mr_Kapowskialextheexplorershopkins776MandiAtRandom67orbustJedi_ZainBeagirlNJCynchMoore
    • 2,119
    • RETWEETS
    Mr_KapowskiKevinBuffaloshopkins77667orbustJedi_ZainCynchMooreTruculent671bastardangel
    SubPsychee__MrJeremyHornArroiaBlondAmbitionTOThunder_Fart______felixosheaDudeImShawnNicholey23GeminiJewJVarsityCaptainStevie_TalktylerisajokeTeowulfBarbz88Aredubbleyou______Shock_Monster__OreoSpeedwagon_Twisted_Mettlemahatmatweeteryou_can_touch____TheMongoose69iMikosnychmmthereiheartguntsToneLoOnTheGoleslid79__________bitchkrieg________HairyJew4LifeJohnny_Redonzo
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My son asked me what divorce was so I took half of his toys and when he started crying I took all of his money.

    • 2,439
    • FAVS
    randomnloveitNot_A_Boob_Mangsaenz597sixfootcandyMr_KapowskiSweetgirl2679BrdnHatesYouAnthonybravo
    • 2,263
    • RETWEETS
    Not_A_Boob_Mangsaenz597geishagigglesMr_KapowskichrisreidradioBrdnHatesYouladyfiredancerBradBroaddus
    BradBroaddusnewstart43Social_MimeVFlorrrVintageBabe1212DanorSlimDouchekevinPlaying_DadDonnie_FairburnPaperWashericsshadowarmyVet1972shwebby3StarksWeek__
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves

    • 2,495
    • FAVS
    Mr_KapowskiKevinBuffaloshopkins776BonniferCJuicedballsDickMarcskotkapuriaUnrealRogue
    • 2,165
    • RETWEETS
    shopkins776JulesC70JuicedballsDickMarcskotkapuriaUnrealRogueTheMrTinneydogwillhunt22
    r_wolfcastlejunkyardiganM3lissaMcDonaldstanleybehrmanaKhalifa101samborifficContradictEgo__Petotedapptrapmdob11iresurfvced__VaDawn13
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My cell phone battery dies quicker than a mother in a Disney movie

    • 2,547
    • FAVS
    KevinBuffaloshopkins776MandiAtRandomDickMarcshitgirl516eliserose567orbustBoscoPorter
    • 1,873
    • RETWEETS
    KevinBuffaloshopkins776DickMarcseliserose5Jedi_ZainNotPeterStark_Alyssa_Jolie__beefman138
    DanielRCarrilloBazarComedyJessObsessPlaying_DadjjwhalesshegotagronkbigmacheriAmJuddybelleahhWonderMonkey78MyFairCharityThe_MentalystGhostOfATrophy____BlACk__ThRoaTTaylormatronicsRyncasaurusPsycholane
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Stages of Twitter

    1) Follow celebrities
    2) Follow funny people
    3) Unfollow celebrities
    4) Realize you married the wrong person
    5) Die alone

    • 2,647
    • FAVS
    iFazyStuti_d_greatThe_Gaurav_PMohitParmarrbeefman138Mr_KapowskiRememberNguyenCdn_BeauTee
    • 1,743
    • RETWEETS
    sexuellyStuti_d_greatThe_Gaurav_PMohitParmarrbeefman138Cdn_BeauTeeshopkins776CloudContact
    GoneInTheMornthexytharaHiddleDeeDeemjkspeaksCrunch11bSufficientCharmGoldishocksMouthOfSassmindintheshadow
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes

    • 2,454
    • FAVS
    beefman138ADavidGambleshopkins776kool_eggMandiAtRandomDickMarcsTheSweetestD_Pippersheen
    • 1,800
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138ADavidGambleshopkins776DickMarcsPippersheeneliserose567orbustJedi_Zain
    Dishy2101juneohara65jimmy_sharpeThrill_TweeterjeannerbeanerBCSkimaneesa_pDallaniHollyMemphislawyerthoughtsSonofConwayBigBob24266______
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Some ugly person just called me shallow

    • 2,677
    • FAVS
    Curly_gurl135hatemyfingjobdresspantsblackybooboo1776GayBrokeBaldliquidnoshMollySneed
    • 1,561
    • RETWEETS
    Curly_gurl135DaphneDoo_1776GayMollySneedvenomjunkie2KillKillKill84beefman138MallOfficer
    candace_9871mysteryteacher
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you scan a barbwire tattoo at Walmart it unlocks a secret door to a room where hobos fight to the death for Toby Keith CDs

    • 2,394
    • FAVS
    beefman138skellingtonbabygsaenz597R1CC1KmcibtyarcherenemymoodtoothMr_Kapowski
    • 1,767
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138jelenaa1389skellingtonbabygsaenz597archerenemymoodtoothMr_KapowskiCharlotte0907
    SparkCityComedyBeagirlNJibid78rickkondell1BigMickBazarComedyLama911Gobshite_huntigulaDallani
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The true beauty of Twitter is when you read a tweet and think holy fuck I'm not the only one

    • 2,297
    • FAVS
    BrokeBaldiheartguntsArbitralArmymatt22Ms_Windbeefman138gsaenz597jcs527
    • 1,734
    • RETWEETS
    kourtneelynneLilMumma3454IAmSaidWhiskeybeefman138gsaenz597Cdn_BeauTeejcs527Mommy_Fab
    cocainemigraineWaterfallFrozenOldUncleDaveOwhathaveu1________The_Sculptresscloudybones
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Getting drunk is like having a 3rd base coach that waves you on no matter what

    • 2,357
    • FAVS
    emilylimeProfessor_RyanNawyourecrazyKevinDellsanityinabottleAPaintedMindmjkspeaksMr_Kapowski
    • 1,612
    • RETWEETS
    Professor_RyanNawyourecrazynurse_jennieMr_KapowskiAndLive2LovedavetureqRohitKohli236CrazyJayney_
    alldrolleduparmyantstudiosDranoRaulpeachey_keenAdWoodyardREALityDUMBBazarComedySteveSuckingtonReverend_ScottRaoul_Duke_71LindaInDisguiseLookAwayMomDadmisterbrymo
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Dad - Hi
    Me - Hi
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad - You want to talk to Mom?

    Every phone conversation I've ever had with my Dad

    • 2,193
    • FAVS
    xxxadryxxx_taroism_ItsAnnieHunnyash_broookejiffypops97PatrickMichelshopkins776MandiAtRandom
    • 1,301
    • RETWEETS
    ItsAnnieHunnyvalerie_tosiash_broookejiffypops97PatrickMichelshopkins776Jedi_ZainAutumnSkye13
    JamesonN7nerdculaContradictEgo__mrt1mHairyJew4Life
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Worried your tweet might offend someone?

    Send that shit

    People who shouldn't follow you will leave

    People who should will love you more

    • 1,891
    • FAVS
    gi_problemchildshakenbakegurlmkayg3gem81xcantwitwontwitSanity_NinjamjkspeaksCanadianMclovin
    • 1,424
    • RETWEETS
    mkayg3cantwitwontwitdavid_tullmstluvstrinketsKRISTINB5150BonJovi32hitgirl516gsaenz597
    GoldenSpiralsIrish_Red_33Prince_Madness1tehBoodha________GypsyJupiter__Ilovelamp1979Sparksy_TheDailySchmuck
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Marriage, because a fight about how you fold laundry should definitely escalate into why you're a worse person than Hitler

    • 1,971
    • FAVS
    Mr_KapowskiJordan_AlainaProudFFAalumnishopkins776shell_wardMandiAtRandom67orbusttddfn
    • 1,312
    • RETWEETS
    ProudFFAalumnishopkins776shell_wardDiamondGirl127__Jedi_ZainFloodyHippieheatherjsBeagirlNJ
    MrsJekyllsHydeKori_OkieDadsbustednuts____SeanX3nicfit75iheartguntsJaiWalker________
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?

    • 1,943
    • FAVS
    MooinessMr_Kapowskishopkins776TribalSpaceCatBaeconTacoJustJadeMeMcOnionButtminnie_in_pink7
    • 1,296
    • RETWEETS
    shopkins776DiamondGirl127__BaeconTacoLosLos__ShaeAaronminnie_in_pink7archerenemyDarlainky
    TheTweetParrot_whatever88______bornmiserableSultani_SailsandroszrenigmaticmessRunJeffreyRunsxydangerousgrl
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar

    • 1,818
    • FAVS
    annabellabombbeefman138Mr_KapowskiMandiAtRandomJedi_ZainEarnieMacIntireMandajojo6hitgirl516
    • 1,394
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138Mr_KapowskiJedi_Zaindannuggetshelbehraeraejjm7479Girl_Censoredphalguy
    ContwixtBooFricketyHooBlondAmbitionTOnerdreigniheartgunts
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The first rule of nap club is SHUT THE FUCK UP

    • 1,788
    • FAVS
    ms_snippety_Tempo11matt_travellingcandidartichokeseeing_voiceshereholddeezLoweStandards39Mr_Kapowski
    • 1,145
    • RETWEETS
    kayraeg_Tempo11matt_travellingcandidartichokeVYPURMr_KapowskiFlyJ_shoshannakeyser
    JulieSnarkhendobeatz________ArroiaQwertyJones3DBMaxP
@theshamingofjay

@theshamingofjay

Just another asshole

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