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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A sense of humor is a mans cleavage

    • 4,347
    • FAVS
    GodBlessAchooCbethriceSarcasiliciousKatyStrssRelieftiemespankmemostafa_baydounOneOfTheseNitesa_olivia4212
    • 4,169
    • RETWEETS
    MRPismejustjohntypingCbethriceSarcasiliciousMiss_Kris85KatyStrssRelieftiemespankmemostafa_baydoun
    Jenniferf42lawyerthoughtsWalashdsSocial_MimeMrsJekyllsHydepbear79MichaelLarrick10InchesPlusBCSkimPaperWashSwishergirl24SadPerunaAdderallMommaquickpooperGreeneyedMofobillymeetsworldJaySommerocourtneynoDBMaxPSmithWitJenny4ashleysalamingia_Ellsie_Back2You73________ClancyBearslietoo______imence2Andie_LVDurtMcHurttrachellinfox______
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job

    • 4,540
    • FAVS
    unrequitedhateJohnnyBeGooodddrobin_991MadrasMasalastar_shine22ElSnuffoBombayHeychcraiguito
    • 3,631
    • RETWEETS
    Calcifire_EDinHiDefmadhvibdLexiJohansenmcat9261396bhhBamKnoxcaseytduncan
    Playing_DadJB4RealzheatherjsReverend_ScottmichowlPaperWashMichaelLarrickTheRomanParkerDuke1173ExitThaWarriorArrowsOfTheSunjjax44WhiskeySoured__PortRooster__PostedandBeamedrevenge_tanukisWildeThingybbast6CuddleMyHeart____LizWhatsherfaceKalvinMacleodHollyMemphisspekulationseanx3JTppMan
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents

    • 4,558
    • FAVS
    werehedgehogkiana_halvorsenmejustbethnikkifacefulclemwinIronWangMrCotton_TailEBiggums
    • 3,292
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdGothVampyreuncorked72IronWangw00f_w00fjctsmileyoneSamePageDifDayEBiggums
    Moi_RaRasmilely_galWindPushedGrassgvicksjifdendekkeAngryKoalaFruitJVarsityCaptainDani_FeldSavage_ScavangeNorthside_MikeNinjaFuneral______SoapyJohnsonArrowsOfTheSunThunder_Fart______ericonederfulRyncasaurusVillageShadow____MrsJekyllsHydetor_92_vPoliticallyILL1demented_Ashsamboriffickrissyerased______JorDAMN_SteveSuckingtonStrugglesBGbbDonnie_FairburnDBMaxPMatt_The_1stallisulliSwishergirl24
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Exclamation point rules

    ! - good
    !! - excited
    !!! - awesome
    !!!! - starting to get creepy
    !!!!! - cheerleader creepy
    !!!!!! - own 20 cats

    • 3,434
    • FAVS
    PoeticDichotomycaliluvgirl77TheObscureGentsObscureTrevordarrrkstarrrObscureGentJn1fermotorace177
    • 3,506
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdlantenengocaliluvgirl77ObscureTrevordarrrkstarrrObscureGentJn1fermotorace177
    MikeZakarianuseful_wagon______llvvzzZatvomanConcernedSirGuyEmileeCaroNolaChef5041800RandygingerfaceddafloydstaI_Mee_Myself_SCBamaManShaunRightNowgrimpossibleBeagleEars406Northside_Mikejeffreyvanclea1turndownfornapsSenorbrianMd
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    Me trying to turn off a ceiling fan

    • 3,374
    • FAVS
    AnotherDamnLisapaulablu22LoveNLunchmeatstar_shine22robin_991Nichole_LindseyDaddyBeerGuywaynedewho
    • 2,057
    • RETWEETS
    paulablu22RealToniFerrarimadhvibdLaylaSocksNichole_LindseyDaddyBeerGuylllvvvzzzcaliluvgirl77
    JosesLovesYouPetPinkElephantHarbinger_oneJamesonN7pbear79hipchkkkodeeezzzymediocregeeRappaRickGrumpyBahrXplodingUnicornGoofpoopsLindaInDisguiseDouchekevin
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

    • 2,846
    • FAVS
    TheMossman82ObscureGentPirateGurtLaBelleMaeAphroditeAfter5MissvalCadavekunz8787fahnichaa
    • 2,105
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdfunnyonelinersashhhbrookeMissvalCaJustFollownRThope4avasheeshyeahShowUrDimples
    SubPsychee__MrJeremyHornArroiaBlondAmbitionTOThunder_Fart______GrumpyCommentsDudeImShawnNicholey23GeminiJewJVarsityCaptainStevie_TalktylerisajokeTeowulfBarbz88Aredubbleyou______Shock_Monster__OreoSpeedwagon_Twisted_Mettlemahatmatweeteryou_can_touch____TheMongoose69iMikosnychmmwalshiheartguntsToneLoOnTheGoleslid79__________bitchkrieg________HairyJew4LifeJohnny_Redonzo
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My son asked me what divorce was so I took half of his toys and when he started crying I took all of his money.

    • 2,374
    • FAVS
    JLazySAngusdjdarrellripleypaulablu22WilliamRodgersjeanmchlBobWhite1975BenjaminKnolGayDeceiver
    • 2,196
    • RETWEETS
    Violent2Dope304paulablu22jeanmchlthenoahkinseystar_shine22NYJtearssitar_stringspretty_graves
    newstart43Social_MimeVFlorrrVintageBabe1212danorslimDouchekevinPlaying_DadDonnie_FairburnPaperWashericsshadowarmyVet1972shwebby3StarksWeek__
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves

    • 2,358
    • FAVS
    AnotherDamnLisamdpakrattcigarexecnickbachanHarbinger_onevixtricatecIosetintrovertUsetobeabastard
    • 2,027
    • RETWEETS
    cigarexecHarbinger_onemadhvibdevem3281wtf_ivikivigagzXVcerveza_y_tacosMiss_Nooooo
    r_wolfcastlejunkyardiganM3lissaMcDonaldstanleybehrmanaKhalifa101samborifficContradictEgoPetotedapptrapmdob11iresurfaced__VaDawn13
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My cell phone battery dies quicker than a mother in a Disney movie

    • 2,477
    • FAVS
    AnotherDamnLisaJemill13danielle_0827ObscureGentPirateGurtAshamookieElsyBeathLaBelleMae
    • 1,842
    • RETWEETS
    Jemill13danielle_0827ElsyBeathsamanthakmagnusslugqtashhhbrookeMissvalCaanerdonfire
    DanielRCarrilloBazarComedyJessObsessPlaying_DadjjwhalesshegotagronkbigmacheriAmJuddybelleahhWonderMonkey78MyFairCharityThe_MentalystGhostOfATrophy____BlACk__ThRoaTTaylormatronicsRyncasaurusPsycholane
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Stages of Twitter

    1) Follow celebrities
    2) Follow funny people
    3) Unfollow celebrities
    4) Realize you married the wrong person
    5) Die alone

    • 2,583
    • FAVS
    SamePageDifDaywerehedgehogCelebrityChezwyldreamTheMossman82ElskaLiamSheDoneGoodChennaison
    • 1,688
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdTheMossman82SheDoneGoodthong_lickerstoicloverameatlargeUp2Longsusanadoga
    GoneInTheMornthexytharaHiddleDeeDeemjkspeaksCrunch11bSufficientCharmGoldishocksMouthOfSassmindintheshadow
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes

    • 2,405
    • FAVS
    shshutyourmouthTheObscureGentsTheMossman82ObscureTrevorObscureGentSheDoneGoodPirateGurtLaBelleMae
    • 1,775
    • RETWEETS
    TheMossman82ObscureTrevorObscureGentSheDoneGoodKDScioscianovicefatherMissvalCahstislicki
    Dishy2101juneohara65jimmy_sharpeastrobudsterjeannerbeanerBCSkimaneesa_pDallaniHollyMemphislawyerthoughtsSonofConwayBigBob24266______
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The true beauty of Twitter is when you read a tweet and think holy fuck I'm not the only one

    • 2,240
    • FAVS
    werehedgehogObscureGentSheDoneGoodLoveYoorFateMiniEmpressotuspostiContwixtPirateGurt
    • 1,723
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdElskaLiamSheDoneGoodContwixtConfusednCopingGuguThumbuLaBelleMaeTadow23
    cocainemigraineWaterfallFrozenOldUncleDaveOwhathaveu1________The_Sculptresscloudybones
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you scan a barbwire tattoo at Walmart it unlocks a secret door to a room where hobos fight to the death for Toby Keith CDs

    • 2,256
    • FAVS
    MaxPower_V7KizerBillhelmWraithInTheMystPoiznSongbirddustinpoppeckRick_IZMadDamMusicjpferg
    • 1,654
    • RETWEETS
    4SLarsWraithInTheMystPoiznSongbirddustinpoppeckRick_IZTPPrattjaywarriettoorksliver
    ibid78rickkondell1BigMickBazarComedyLama911Gobshite_huntigulaDallani
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Dad - Hi
    Me - Hi
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad - You want to talk to Mom?

    Every phone conversation I've ever had with my Dad

    • 2,063
    • FAVS
    AnotherDamnLisawerehedgehogCelebrityChezObscureGentQuiteQuietOneSheDoneGoodPirateGurtLaBelleMae
    • 1,251
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdQuiteQuietOneSheDoneGoodSomeAsshole9TRBLmakerJBShdaniels_00RayzrRamoneMissvalCa
    JamesonN7nerdculaContradictEgomrt1mHairyJew4Life
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Worried your tweet might offend someone?

    Send that shit

    People who shouldn't follow you will leave

    People who should will love you more

    • 1,881
    • FAVS
    AnotherDamnLisawerehedgehogDCLivescomcinderellashadootuspostiContwixtPirateGurtajbridgwater
    • 1,414
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdkelpniggaContwixtajbridgwaterPhillyGiLDennis_WaltersUp2LongMissvalCa
    GoldenSpiralsSpoiled_Red_32Prince_Madness1tehBoodha________GypsyOfAthenaIlovelamp1979Sparksy_TheDailySchmuck
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Marriage, because a fight about how you fold laundry should definitely escalate into why you're a worse person than Hitler

    • 1,961
    • FAVS
    AnotherDamnLisawerehedgehogTheMossman82ObscureGentElsyBeathLaBelleMaeAphroditeAfter5i2Shock4SwordB8
    • 1,306
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdTheMossman82AndLive2LoveRayzrRamoneMissvalCaWPS_galJustFollownRThope4ava
    MrsJekyllsHydeKori_OkieDadsbustednuts____seanx3nicfit75iheartguntsJaiWalker________
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Getting drunk is like having a 3rd base coach that waves you on no matter what

    • 1,882
    • FAVS
    SamePageDifDayjustashleylove1chlomaemnzthewordvmroopKhaleddAhmedVenisValdontmesswithMS
    • 1,320
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdrrentschlermav3yWhymessVenisValheadstrong_girln_00_bluckierx
    armyantstudiosDranoRaulpeachey_keenAdWoodyardREALityDUMBBazarComedySteveSuckingtonReverend_ScottRaoul_Duke_71LindaInDisguiseLookAwayMomDadmisterbrymo
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar

    • 1,808
    • FAVS
    carlyme23ObscureGentEllenPallasGeoroyoReeseButCallMeVPirateGurtSkipScarboroughElsyBeath
    • 1,389
    • RETWEETS
    Arrogant_Twatkrishna_vanGeoroyoReeseButCallMeVsongsterrrEzyModeElsyBeathCurly_gurl135
    ContwixtBooFricketyHooBlondAmbitionTOnerdreigniheartgunts
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?

    • 1,846
    • FAVS
    PirateGurtlawyerthoughtsSourLemondsssFlashyNopeumlikewhatifnovicefathercamblairRayzrRamone
    • 1,236
    • RETWEETS
    novicefatherRayzrRamoneMissvalCaKentWGrahamthecrabbyhookadityaaomsherrymparkerGoodMistakes56
    TheTweetParrot_whatever88______bornmiserableSultani_SailsandroszrenigmaticmessRunJeffreyRunSarcastious
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The first rule of nap club is SHUT THE FUCK UP

    • 1,781
    • FAVS
    TheMossman82LaBelleMaeashhhbrookestrangersonanetJgbug27kerr_nadineCurmudgeonismBJJLabs
    • 1,141
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdTheMossman82TGILaurakerr_nadinemee_moeuselessgomezMis_Lissahkellycrigger
    JulieSnarkhendobeatz________ArroiaQwertyJones3DBMaxP
@theshamingofjay

@theshamingofjay

Just another asshole