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A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents
Exclamation point rules
! - good
!! - excited
!!! - awesome
!!!! - starting to get creepy
!!!!! - cheerleader creepy
!!!!!! - own 20 cats
Some ugly person just called me shallow
Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves
Me trying to turn off a ceiling fan
How to sleep as an adult
1) be exhausted
2) think about everything in your life
3) fall asleep 30 minutes before you have to get up
My cell phone battery dies quicker than a mother in a Disney movie
Getting drunk is like having a 3rd base coach that waves you on no matter what
A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment
My son asked me what divorce was so I took half of his toys and when he started crying I took all of his money.
Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Stages of Twitter
1) Follow celebrities
2) Follow funny people
3) Unfollow celebrities
4) Realize you married the wrong person
5) Die alone
If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar
Dad - Hi
Me - Hi
Dad - You want to talk to Mom?
Every phone conversation I've ever had with my Dad
If you scan a barbwire tattoo at Walmart it unlocks a secret door to a room where hobos fight to the death for Toby Keith CDs
The true beauty of Twitter is when you read a tweet and think holy fuck I'm not the only one
What is everyone writing songs about?
George: true love
Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus
Welcome to the Cartoon Network writer's meeting. Have you all taken your acid?
"Why is the dragon yelling at us?"
Excellent, let's begin.
@calamitydaisy is the Cheryl to my Larry
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