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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job

    • 4,558
    • FAVS
    Mandajojo6GauravBlue4everNotPeterStarkKitcataliciousstargirrrlsparhopperKardinalFehlerMuSuBi19
    • 3,645
    • RETWEETS
    GauravBlue4everNotPeterStarkibgeronimoGrungyBernspostmodernist66scottdedalusShopOfWhorersbeefman138
    Donnie_FairburnPlaying_DadJB4RealzheatherjsReverend_ScottmichowlPaperWashMichaelLarrickTheRomanParkerDuke1173ExitThaWarriorArrowsOfTheSunjjax44WhiskeySoured__PortRooster__PostedandBeamedrevenge_tanukisWildeThingybbast6CuddleMyHeart____LizWhatsherfaceKalvinMacleodHollyMemphisspekulationseanx3JTppMan
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents

    • 4,564
    • FAVS
    OohereshecomesXkate96xxxantoniacrumpGinRumMemandacsbsaucydalekbongripsandtitsgerryhatric
    • 3,309
    • RETWEETS
    gerryhatricNorCalBrattNotPeterStark_Alyssa_Joliebeefman138NoOneatAlHlaoRooSkiby369
    Moi_RaRasmilely_galWindPushedGrassgvicksjifdendekkeAngryKoalaFruitJVarsityCaptainDani_FeldSavage_ScavangeNorthside_MikeNinjaFuneral______SoapyJohnsonArrowsOfTheSunThunder_Fart______ericonederfulRyncasaurusVillageShadow____MrsJekyllsHydetor_92_vPoliticallyILL1demented_Ashsamboriffickrissyerased______JorDAMN_SteveSuckingtonStrugglesBGbbDonnie_FairburnDBMaxPMatt_The_1stallisulliSwishergirl24
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Exclamation point rules

    ! - good
    !! - excited
    !!! - awesome
    !!!! - starting to get creepy
    !!!!! - cheerleader creepy
    !!!!!! - own 20 cats

    • 3,461
    • FAVS
    NorCalBrattFilipasianNotPeterStarkjunkyardiganbeefman138FrankLWrong13TRBLmakerJBSrichiewils
    • 3,511
    • RETWEETS
    NotPeterStarkbeefman138TRBLmakerJBSrichiewilsiinkedZombieSaraLou1220EpicDesireMistressNix66
    MikeZakarianuseful_wagon______llvvzzZatvomanConcernedSirGuyEmileeCaroNolaChef5041800RandygingerfaceddafloydstaI_Mee_Myself_SCBamaManShaunRightNowgrimpossibleBeagleEars406__Northside_Mikejeffreyvanclea1turndownfornapsSenorbrianMd
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    Me trying to turn off a ceiling fan

    • 3,394
    • FAVS
    NorCalBrattNotPeterStarknicecrazylady63ayocumSarcasticSprkleMz_Hefferlump3rd_darkangellydiagreer
    • 2,073
    • RETWEETS
    NotPeterStarknicecrazylady63SarcasticSprkle3rd_darkangelLeCanuckleheadMBBeachRatkatiemwillmadcameljockey
    JosesLovesYouPetPinkElephantHarbinger_oneJamesonN7pbear79hipchkkkodeeezzzymediocregeeRappaRickGrumpyBahrXplodingUnicornGoofpoopsLindaInDisguiseDouchekevin
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

    • 2,851
    • FAVS
    NotPeterStarkKitcataliciousValskeeWJakeSocialLesterDiamond28beefman138lydiagreernoneofyours99
    • 2,110
    • RETWEETS
    NotPeterStark_Alyssa_Joliebeefman138noneofyours99heatherjsmadhvibdfunnyonelinersashhhbrooke
    SubPsychee__MrJeremyHornArroiaBlondAmbitionTOThunder_Fart______GrumpyCommentsDudeImShawnNicholey23GeminiJewJVarsityCaptainStevie_GainztylerisajokeTeowulfBarbz88Aredubbleyou______Shock_Monster__OreoSpeedwagon_Twisted_Mettlemahatmatweeteryou_can_touch____TheMongoose69iMikosnychmmwalshiheartguntsToneLoOnTheGoleslid79__________bitchkrieg________HairyJew4LifeJohnny_Redonzo
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My son asked me what divorce was so I took half of his toys and when he started crying I took all of his money.

    • 2,423
    • FAVS
    Mandajojo6whisperedesiresantoniacrumpGinRumMeMcCutty1NorCalBrattjestcoastNotPeterStark
    • 2,246
    • RETWEETS
    HannahWinchellMweezusMcCutty1NorCalBrattNotPeterStarkSoGoFuduncanbobbyrealEDdoc
    newstart43Social_MimeVFlorrrVintageBabe1212DanorSlimDouchekevinPlaying_DadDonnie_FairburnPaperWashericsshadowarmyVet1972shwebby3StarksWeek
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves

    • 2,413
    • FAVS
    lolpleaseshutuplooknoreallyPaigeKellermanBoutCrazedjamilskie1DanorSlimStephTolevperkybhind
    • 2,097
    • RETWEETS
    YouCantFoolLurkAtHomeMomBoutCrazedDanorSlimakifahsanBostonAccent79NigelGrinsteadperkybhind
    r_wolfcastlejunkyardiganM3lissaMcDonaldstanleybehrmanaKhalifa101samborifficContradictEgo__Petotedapptrapmdob11iresurfacedVaDawn13
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My cell phone battery dies quicker than a mother in a Disney movie

    • 2,532
    • FAVS
    NotPeterStarkKitcataliciousJakeSocialbeefman138lydiagreer4SLarsnoneofyours99SocialChalleng1
    • 1,868
    • RETWEETS
    NotPeterStark_Alyssa_Joliebeefman138noneofyours99thatspicegirlsharkies3Lady_Blackbird1WaterLilyDreams
    DanielRCarrilloBazarComedyJessObsessPlaying_DadjjwhalesshegotagronkbigmacheriAmJuddybelleahhWonderMonkey78MyFairCharityThe_MentalystGhostOfATrophy____BlACk__ThRoaTTaylormatronicsRyncasaurusPsycholane
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Stages of Twitter

    1) Follow celebrities
    2) Follow funny people
    3) Unfollow celebrities
    4) Realize you married the wrong person
    5) Die alone

    • 2,592
    • FAVS
    louisjewellquietlybiasedvrod113_mikehmspinnipedShutUpChasityGina52263819xxEllyNotxxTheDairylandDon
    • 1,699
    • RETWEETS
    hmspinnipedGina52263819CartierC_NofstnmeMorgan2383MogeorgiatriallawMachoZ06SteelCityDawn
    GoneInTheMornthexytharaHiddleDeeDeemjkspeaksCrunch11bSufficientCharmGoldishocksMouthOfSassmindintheshadow
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes

    • 2,442
    • FAVS
    shireRaveJane___JonesTomboyGlamBrianIncognitojasonmccoyMSshnazzyshadezCommonSavantyoopnative
    • 1,792
    • RETWEETS
    AvaGrace15CommonSavantyoopnativeRick_IZRunRunRunAwayDdanny_mcclellanPoiznSongbirdshimmala
    Dishy2101juneohara65jimmy_sharpeThrill_Tweeter__jeannerbeanerBCSkimaneesa_pDallaniHollyMemphislawyerthoughtsSonofConwayBigBob24266______
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you scan a barbwire tattoo at Walmart it unlocks a secret door to a room where hobos fight to the death for Toby Keith CDs

    • 2,296
    • FAVS
    EarnieMacIntireMandajojo6jamilskie1DanorSlimSpatz978rellissimaVerbalneurotikkulturbolschewi
    • 1,689
    • RETWEETS
    EarnieMacIntireDanorSlim_Alyssa_Jolieblitz79Danny383annula6979kulturbolschewiDanDoofus
    ibid78rickkondell1BigMickBazarComedyLama911Gobshite_huntigulaDallani
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The true beauty of Twitter is when you read a tweet and think holy fuck I'm not the only one

    • 2,243
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsSecureSamLaPorte_DanielDailyBriautismprimerFavoritesYouMACHIN1STRossGTR
    • 1,727
    • RETWEETS
    stoneyadams1OMARTIAN6MACHIN1STreefergyratorGinRumMeItalianBratikusNorCalBrattjamilskie1
    cocainemigraineWaterfallFrozenOldUncleDaveOwhathaveu1________The_Sculptresscloudybones
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Getting drunk is like having a 3rd base coach that waves you on no matter what

    • 2,250
    • FAVS
    ZiaZizzetfischerCheeseboy22divapiecebetowmxSPNNlogicbrzeskipeteabbate
    • 1,541
    • RETWEETS
    ZiaZizzebetowmxdzacharandaibrzeskisuperjim941swingingtheropethatdamnhawkJokerVision
    alldrolleduparmyantstudiosDranoRaulpeachey_keenAdWoodyardREALityDUMBBazarComedySteveSuckingtonReverend_ScottRaoul_Duke_71LindaInDisguiseLookAwayMomDadmisterbrymo
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Dad - Hi
    Me - Hi
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad - You want to talk to Mom?

    Every phone conversation I've ever had with my Dad

    • 2,174
    • FAVS
    NiceLittleWifeBrettster7tvandjamSvetySvetaslothadam84Soonerjay75Quinnchopsrum_ball
    • 1,298
    • RETWEETS
    LYT00SvetySvetanatalayhehoohatemyfingjobThee1_4URick_IZjamilskie1DanorSlim
    JamesonN7nerdculaContradictEgo__mrt1mHairyJew4Life
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Worried your tweet might offend someone?

    Send that shit

    People who shouldn't follow you will leave

    People who should will love you more

    • 1,885
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsSecureSamFavoritesYouMACHIN1STmaccomerfordppwackyracesmPixelPopmandacsb
    • 1,421
    • RETWEETS
    HeltonKGoinsMACHIN1STGinRumMeNorCalBrattSSourblondieAnonMastaOfMp3sjewelofarkjamilskie1
    GoldenSpiralsSpoiled_Red_32Prince_Madness1tehBoodha________GypsyJupiter__Ilovelamp1979Sparksy_TheDailySchmuck
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Marriage, because a fight about how you fold laundry should definitely escalate into why you're a worse person than Hitler

    • 1,964
    • FAVS
    NorCalBrattFameGaceGumbus1975MILFDianerunninforwineb4sagejamilskie1ufotaylor
    • 1,308
    • RETWEETS
    FameGaceM01_davidgreen_eyed_dollrunninforwinejamilskie1DanorSlimDocVal5iinkedZombie
    MrsJekyllsHydeKori_OkieDadsbustednuts____seanx3nicfit75iheartguntsJaiWalker________
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar

    • 1,814
    • FAVS
    EarnieMacIntireMandajojo6HitGirl516HungryLittleBuguncybillizedGirl_Censorediwearaonesiephalguy
    • 1,391
    • RETWEETS
    dannuggetshelbehraeraejjm7479Girl_CensoredphalguyArrogant_Twatkrishna_vanGeoroyo
    ContwixtBooFricketyHooBlondAmbitionTOnerdreigniheartgunts
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?

    • 1,851
    • FAVS
    LonelyJackalopeChristineVensanJust_Jess_AgainAhmed_javaidholly_hjkdomyatesSteveMcRae21McKnightyBoo
    • 1,240
    • RETWEETS
    BostonAccent79AmishishGuyMcKnightyBooHShade71meghafferllp11225ZombieeRiotI_mTheBatman__
    TheTweetParrot_whatever88______bornmiserableSultani_SailsandroszrenigmaticmessRunJeffreyRunsxydangerousgrl
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The first rule of nap club is SHUT THE FUCK UP

    • 1,784
    • FAVS
    NorCalBrattiinkedZombieallthingspoeticDangerpusss__clintgilhaint615phalguyTheMossman82
    • 1,143
    • RETWEETS
    iinkedZombiephalguymadhvibdTheMossman82TGILaurakerr_nadinemee_moeuselessgomez
    JulieSnarkhendobeatz________ArroiaQwertyJones3DBMaxP
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Some ugly person just called me shallow

    • 1,615
    • FAVS
    ForrestmeenAvalonLeighChloestyloohpeetiecrazyjet379aPlaceInHellBad_Episodesanthonythomas
    • 901
    • RETWEETS
    crazyjet379stacywawa1Velvet_SteelekihugiWillie1derfulTony_E_NCalexiadiane_SultanBruceLee
    candace_9871mysteryteacher
@theshamingofjay

@theshamingofjay

Just another asshole