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The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job
A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents
Exclamation point rules
! - good
!! - excited
!!! - awesome
!!!! - starting to get creepy
!!!!! - cheerleader creepy
!!!!!! - own 20 cats
Me trying to turn off a ceiling fan
A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment
My son asked me what divorce was so I took half of his toys and when he started crying I took all of his money.
Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves
My cell phone battery dies quicker than a mother in a Disney movie
Stages of Twitter
1) Follow celebrities
2) Follow funny people
3) Unfollow celebrities
4) Realize you married the wrong person
5) Die alone
I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
If you scan a barbwire tattoo at Walmart it unlocks a secret door to a room where hobos fight to the death for Toby Keith CDs
The true beauty of Twitter is when you read a tweet and think holy fuck I'm not the only one
Getting drunk is like having a 3rd base coach that waves you on no matter what
Dad - Hi
Me - Hi
Dad - You want to talk to Mom?
Every phone conversation I've ever had with my Dad
Worried your tweet might offend someone?
Send that shit
People who shouldn't follow you will leave
People who should will love you more
Marriage, because a fight about how you fold laundry should definitely escalate into why you're a worse person than Hitler
If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
The first rule of nap club is SHUT THE FUCK UP
Some ugly person just called me shallow