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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Gift @theshamingofjay Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 5,183
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    Kappa_KappaMardigroanmoonunitluxsheseemslegitslobearmeatballwizardjordan_strattonIRKitten
    • 4,095
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    vintagetangoMardigroanPineappleMaggiafteramyericonederfulCompoundJoeynewkingofmediasheseemslegit
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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents

    • 4,908
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    steveolivasMardigroanNicole_Kapp87SteveThomas67WaterLilyDreamskayleighpugetasiananomalysheseemslegit
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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Exclamation point rules

    ! - good
    !! - excited
    !!! - awesome
    !!!! - starting to get creepy
    !!!!! - cheerleader creepy
    !!!!!! - own 20 cats

    • 3,490
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    steveolivaswritersdreamCrunk_Jews__lauraleeksmith__tarlbludworthHardmanRicksarrrcasmJLazySAngus
    • 3,537
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    MikeZakarianuseful_wagon______llvvzzZatvomanConcernedSirGuyEmileeCaroNolaChef5041800RandygingerfaceddafloydstaI_Mee_Myself_SCBamaManShaunRightNowbadplansBeagleEars406__Northside_Mikejeffreyvanclea1turndownfornaps__SenorbrianMd
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Some ugly person just called me shallow

    • 3,962
    • LIKES
    AlbyphyfezNicole_Kapp87crocodilejeersnightmopjockeyRichBeingRichMs_G_Reneetgilliland789danivdiddles
    • 2,500
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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves

    • 3,207
    • LIKES
    dreamthievinmzjleesheseemslegitThe_MartiniGirlDiveInsideMindsI_Bl33d_PurpleEnchanted_Halo___MareGoku23
    • 2,873
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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    Me trying to turn off a ceiling fan

    • 3,552
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    sheseemslegitCrunk_Jews__DrDedee__OneBlueHeartAnkCoupleTOModerateBenderdougbiesAnthonyFinchUSA
    • 2,170
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    wjfrittsCrunk_Jews__OneBlueHeartAnkCoupleTONolaChef504AnthonyFinchUSAgoldie_427__lorigonzalez28
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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    How to sleep as an adult

    1) be exhausted
    2) think about everything in your life
    3) fall asleep 30 minutes before you have to get up

    • 2,854
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    JusatanoldguyChloestyloxosmsteveolivasNicole_Kapp87OhTurdFergussenthisbitteraleVauxEmma
    • 2,835
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    AuburnrosetitsSteussieEricawinesthesiaNicole_Kapp87sweetandsimple6plamb23OhTurdFergussenkateinkentucky
    XGroverX
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My cell phone battery dies quicker than a mother in a Disney movie

    • 3,243
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    NeuronicismKappa_KappanerdculaNicole_Kapp87asiananomalyfirebrand3sheseemslegitDestineyLynn
    • 2,323
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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Getting drunk is like having a 3rd base coach that waves you on no matter what

    • 3,247
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    Kappa_KappaalisiyacbmilanhuhNicole_Kapp87kratosfrostbiteRainbow__TigerThepinkparkapippydrydocking
    • 2,271
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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

    • 2,942
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    SteveDutzysteveolivasavgmikieWGA_FRhinoURsheseemslegitAweShadySomeThePocketJustin
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    SubPsychee__MrJeremyHornArroiaBlondAmbitionTOThunder_Fart______felixosheaDudeImShawnNicholey23__GeminiJew__JVarsityCaptainStevie_Talk__tylerisajokeTeowulfBarbz88Aredubbleyou______Shock_Monster__OreoSpeedwagon___Twisted_Mettlemahatmatweeteryou_can_touch____TheMongoose69__iMikosnychmmthereiheartguntsToneLoOnTheGoleslid79__________bitchkrieg________HairyJew4LifeJohnny_Redonzo
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My son asked me what divorce was so I took half of his toys and when he started crying I took all of his money.

    • 2,557
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    ChloestyloNicole_Kapp87tessa_explicitSteveThomas67kayleighpugetasiananomalyDishy2101monks_19
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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Friend 1: I was promoted.
    Friend 2: I got engaged.
    Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
    Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.

    • 2,956
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    JusatanoldguyHurricaneZarasteveolivasJenSciFiemptywhiskeyInferno_VNicole_Kapp87thisbitterale
    • 1,829
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    AuburnrosetitsemptywhiskeyInferno_VslicemenolifecoachtheaarononeMissouriRhymesanslopes
    ladyfiredancerOtherDanOBrien
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes

    • 2,646
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    steveolivasNicole_Kapp87Kappa_KappaShaistaJustinMartaEffingohheyitszaraOutofmyIndyheadmsbtx
    • 1,960
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    Dishy2101juneohara65jimmy_sharpeThrill_TweeterjeannerbeanerBCSkimaneesa_pDallaniHollyMemphislawyerthoughtsSonofConwayBigBob24266______
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Stages of Twitter

    1) Follow celebrities
    2) Follow funny people
    3) Unfollow celebrities
    4) Realize you married the wrong person
    5) Die alone

    • 2,771
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    kyle_thatisalllawbsterfestsabfrysteveolivasCrunk_Jews__BentToastCravin4Lani_Hayden
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    GoneInTheMornthexytharaHiddleDeeDeemjkspeaksCrunch11bSufficientCharmGoldishocksMouthOfSass__mindintheshadow__
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar

    • 2,549
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    jodih1031routinemalaise3LoneWolfStories__angibangietbbucsbabeIngeniousRetardMissouriRhymeEosRises
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    ContwixtBooFricketyHooBlondAmbitionTOnerdreigniheartgunts
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Dad - Hi
    Me - Hi
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad - You want to talk to Mom?

    Every phone conversation I've ever had with my Dad

    • 2,810
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    hippocroteezaGooSelifeonascaleof1210LetMeStartthemorris23Jordan_ArmoMythicPicnicCVTBaby
    • 1,632
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    noviacesarVanessaBigadanielle_0827aGooSelifejohnleemkTFCFanStarrier_Nightsonascaleof1210
    JamesonN7nerdculaContradictEgo__mrt1mHairyJew4Life
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you scan a barbwire tattoo at Walmart it unlocks a secret door to a room where hobos fight to the death for Toby Keith CDs

    • 2,440
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    Kappa_KappaChloestyloNicole_Kapp87McInappropriateCelestinelea90DavidLHelms__ryan_rachryan80CoLiN69J
    • 1,784
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    SparkCityComedyBeagirlNJibid78rickkondell1BigMick__BazarComedyLama911Gobshite_huntigulaDallani
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The true beauty of Twitter is when you read a tweet and think holy fuck I'm not the only one

    • 2,306
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    lauraleeksmith__KoKeniSasquatchAnkCoupleTONolaChef504ModerateBenderGen22BellaDSIChalligatorEP
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    cocainemigraineicyizziOldUncleDaveOwhathaveu1________The_Sculptresscloudybones__
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    What is everyone writing songs about?

    John: revolution

    Paul: forgiveness

    George: true love

    Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus

    • 2,280
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    Jusatanoldguyrona65GoneInTheMornilovemaitlandMalaMiggblamingboredomDranoRaulSylpa13
    • 1,415
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    AuburnrosetitsmastoddardnerganfraultzBiscuitFloatera_humbugtsst1084mister__x_pizzapoundcake
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Welcome to the Cartoon Network writer's meeting. Have you all taken your acid?

    "Why is the dragon yelling at us?"

    Excellent, let's begin.

    • 1,998
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    kennelkenny92Nicole_Kapp87jabba_jabba_jawMissouriRhymeMindBytesasiananomalypippydrydockingProudFFAalumni
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    writerPTGobshite_darrrkstarrr
@theshamingofjay

@theshamingofjay

@calamitydaisy is the Cheryl to my Larry

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