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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A sense of humor is a mans cleavage

    • 4,348
    • FAVS
    PatWallaceGodBlessAchooCbethriceSarcasiliciousKatyStrssRelieftiemespankmemostafa_baydounOneOfTheseNites
    • 4,169
    • RETWEETS
    MRPismejustjohntypingCbethriceSarcasiliciousMiss_Kris85KatyStrssRelieftiemespankmemostafa_baydoun
    Jenniferf42lawyerthoughtsWalashdsSocial_MimeMrsJekyllsHydepbear79MichaelLarrick10InchesPlusBCSkimPaperWashSwishergirl24SadPerunaAdderallMommaquickpooperGreeneyedMofobillymeetsworldJaySommerocourtneynoDBMaxPSmithWitJenny4ashleysalamingia_Ellsie_Back2You73________ClancyBearslietoo______imence2Andie_LVDurtMcHurttrachellinfox______
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job

    • 4,551
    • FAVS
    AmaranteVeromeinkampf13LaniBenoomibaloneyE_m_DouglasafvskrapNigelVenableSeasideSunsongs
    • 3,637
    • RETWEETS
    _Sumit16meinkampf13chrisreidradioThekwizatshaderhazelmotes1WendyLagorraCelsoPiazzir_wolfcastle
    Donnie_FairburnPlaying_DadJB4RealzheatherjsReverend_ScottmichowlPaperWashMichaelLarrickTheRomanParkerDuke1173ExitThaWarriorArrowsOfTheSunjjax44WhiskeySoured__PortRooster__PostedandBeamedrevenge_tanukisWildeThingybbast6CuddleMyHeart____LizWhatsherfaceKalvinMacleodHollyMemphisspekulationseanx3JTppMan
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents

    • 4,558
    • FAVS
    asianxmasangelwerehedgehogkiana_halvorsenmejustbethnikkifacefulclemwinIronWangMrCotton_Tail
    • 3,292
    • RETWEETS
    asianxmasangelmadhvibdGothVampyreuncorked72IronWangw00f_w00fjctsmileyoneSamePageDifDay
    Moi_RaRasmilely_galWindPushedGrassgvicksjifdendekkeAngryKoalaFruitJVarsityCaptainDani_FeldSavage_ScavangeNorthside_MikeNinjaFuneral______SoapyJohnsonArrowsOfTheSunThunder_Fart______ericonederfulRyncasaurusVillageShadow____MrsJekyllsHydetor_92_vPoliticallyILL1demented_Ashsamboriffickrissyerased______JorDAMN_SteveSuckingtonStrugglesBGbbDonnie_FairburnDBMaxPMatt_The_1stallisulliSwishergirl24
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Exclamation point rules

    ! - good
    !! - excited
    !!! - awesome
    !!!! - starting to get creepy
    !!!!! - cheerleader creepy
    !!!!!! - own 20 cats

    • 3,434
    • FAVS
    PoeticDichotomycaliluvgirl77TheObscureGentsObscureTrevordarrrkstarrrObscureGentJn1fermotorace177
    • 3,506
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdlantenengocaliluvgirl77ObscureTrevordarrrkstarrrObscureGentJn1fermotorace177
    MikeZakarianuseful_wagon______llvvzzZatvomanConcernedSirGuyEmileeCaroNolaChef5041800RandygingerfaceddafloydstaI_Mee_Myself_SCBamaManShaunRightNowgrimpossibleBeagleEars406__Northside_Mikejeffreyvanclea1turndownfornapsSenorbrianMd
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    Me trying to turn off a ceiling fan

    • 3,386
    • FAVS
    SchlecktermrambergrisBranchaleeniehoumamissprettyxradangellgurlslaughthieCPaigeH96
    • 2,068
    • RETWEETS
    Purplepanda1992craigpereirajimmy_sharpeiinkedZombiethatsuperdadpaulablu22SUPgirl2007madhvibd
    JosesLovesYouPetPinkElephantHarbinger_oneJamesonN7pbear79hipchkkkodeeezzzymediocregeeRappaRickGrumpyBahrXplodingUnicornGoofpoopsLindaInDisguiseDouchekevin
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

    • 2,846
    • FAVS
    TheMossman82ObscureGentPirateGurtLaBelleMaeAphroditeAfter5MissvalCadavekunz8787fahnichaa
    • 2,105
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdfunnyonelinersashhhbrookeMissvalCaJustFollownRThope4avasheeshyeahShowUrDimples
    SubPsychee__MrJeremyHornArroiaBlondAmbitionTOThunder_Fart______GrumpyCommentsDudeImShawnNicholey23GeminiJewJVarsityCaptainStevie_TalktylerisajokeTeowulfBarbz88Aredubbleyou______Shock_Monster__OreoSpeedwagon_Twisted_Mettlemahatmatweeteryou_can_touch____TheMongoose69iMikosnychmmwalshiheartguntsToneLoOnTheGoleslid79__________bitchkrieg________HairyJew4LifeJohnny_Redonzo
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My son asked me what divorce was so I took half of his toys and when he started crying I took all of his money.

    • 2,376
    • FAVS
    allthingspoeticbetty0674DangerpusssangellgurlJLazySAngusdjdarrellripleypaulablu22WilliamRodgers
    • 2,206
    • RETWEETS
    betty0674thejodiestTsarina_munaSirkastiqViolent2Dope304paulablu22jeanmchlthenoahkinsey
    newstart43Social_MimeVFlorrrVintageBabe1212danorslimDouchekevinPlaying_DadDonnie_FairburnPaperWashericsshadowarmyVet1972shwebby3StarksWeek__
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves

    • 2,397
    • FAVS
    HearyehearyeeMandiAtRandomWhatThaDellOberoiVarun13BadAssDesignstoni_goldsetinobi_ian_kenobimitchplayford15
    • 2,077
    • RETWEETS
    AnonymousInZALoAurSunoNakitaNashaySPNNlogicYovaniefragnance_OberoiVarun13SirStevenXXX
    r_wolfcastlejunkyardiganM3lissaMcDonaldstanleybehrmanaKhalifa101samborifficContradictEgoPetotedapptrapmdob11iresurfaced__VaDawn13
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My cell phone battery dies quicker than a mother in a Disney movie

    • 2,477
    • FAVS
    AnotherDamnLisaJemill13danielle_0827ObscureGentPirateGurtAshamookieElsyBeathLaBelleMae
    • 1,842
    • RETWEETS
    Jemill13danielle_0827ElsyBeathsamanthakmagnusslugqtashhhbrookeMissvalCaanerdonfire
    DanielRCarrilloBazarComedyJessObsessPlaying_DadjjwhalesshegotagronkbigmacheriAmJuddybelleahhWonderMonkey78MyFairCharityThe_MentalystGhostOfATrophy____BlACk__ThRoaTTaylormatronicsRyncasaurusPsycholane
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Stages of Twitter

    1) Follow celebrities
    2) Follow funny people
    3) Unfollow celebrities
    4) Realize you married the wrong person
    5) Die alone

    • 2,583
    • FAVS
    life_suckerdiegcosta19YungAshuSinghpuffinfinityWaterLilyDreamsGiverney666SamePageDifDaywerehedgehog
    • 1,689
    • RETWEETS
    diegcosta19WaterLilyDreamsangellgurlmadhvibdTheMossman82SheDoneGoodthong_lickerstoiclover
    GoneInTheMornthexytharaHiddleDeeDeemjkspeaksCrunch11bSufficientCharmGoldishocksMouthOfSassmindintheshadow
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes

    • 2,420
    • FAVS
    redpawn3eliassen_melJenniMikiTweetingDadGuyShingapooptrialfemmeJSLauderdaleRowdyRene
    • 1,781
    • RETWEETS
    trialfemmeJSLauderdalebollocksupbitterblairiinkedZombieShesAlwaysWriteSusieRobinsonpfloyd925
    Dishy2101juneohara65jimmy_sharpeanja_drischjeannerbeanerBCSkimaneesa_pDallaniHollyMemphislawyerthoughtsSonofConwayBigBob24266______
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The true beauty of Twitter is when you read a tweet and think holy fuck I'm not the only one

    • 2,240
    • FAVS
    OO7heelsDangerpussswerehedgehogObscureGentSheDoneGoodLoveYoorFateMiniEmpressotusposti
    • 1,723
    • RETWEETS
    PlayfulHusbandmadhvibdElskaLiamSheDoneGoodContwixtConfusednCopingGuguThumbuLaBelleMae
    cocainemigraineWaterfallFrozenOldUncleDaveOwhathaveu1________The_Sculptresscloudybones
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you scan a barbwire tattoo at Walmart it unlocks a secret door to a room where hobos fight to the death for Toby Keith CDs

    • 2,258
    • FAVS
    allthingspoeticAdmiralRedfartclintgilhaint615BillWillisf3MasterOfFuryMaxPower_V7KizerBillhelm
    • 1,659
    • RETWEETS
    AdmiralRedfartBillWillisf3MasterOfFury4SLarsWraithInTheMystPoiznSongbirddustinpoppeckRick_IZ
    ibid78rickkondell1BigMickBazarComedyLama911Gobshite_huntigulaDallani
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Dad - Hi
    Me - Hi
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad - You want to talk to Mom?

    Every phone conversation I've ever had with my Dad

    • 2,063
    • FAVS
    AnotherDamnLisawerehedgehogCelebrityChezObscureGentQuiteQuietOneSheDoneGoodPirateGurtLaBelleMae
    • 1,251
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdQuiteQuietOneSheDoneGoodSomeAsshole9TRBLmakerJBShdaniels_00RayzrRamone__MissvalCa
    JamesonN7nerdculaContradictEgomrt1mHairyJew4Life
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Worried your tweet might offend someone?

    Send that shit

    People who shouldn't follow you will leave

    People who should will love you more

    • 1,881
    • FAVS
    hillswithnoeyesdanielle_0827AnotherDamnLisawerehedgehogDCLivescomcinderellashadootuspostiContwixt
    • 1,414
    • RETWEETS
    hillswithnoeyesClarismeldamadhvibdkelpniggaContwixtajbridgwaterPhillyGiLDennis_Walters
    GoldenSpiralsSpoiled_Red_32Prince_Madness1tehBoodha________GypsyJupiterIlovelamp1979Sparksy_TheDailySchmuck
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Marriage, because a fight about how you fold laundry should definitely escalate into why you're a worse person than Hitler

    • 1,961
    • FAVS
    AnotherDamnLisawerehedgehogTheMossman82ObscureGentElsyBeathLaBelleMaeAphroditeAfter5i2Shock4SwordB8
    • 1,306
    • RETWEETS
    madhvibdTheMossman82AndLive2LoveRayzrRamone__MissvalCaWPS_galJustFollownRThope4ava
    MrsJekyllsHydeKori_OkieDadsbustednuts____seanx3nicfit75iheartguntsJaiWalker________
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Getting drunk is like having a 3rd base coach that waves you on no matter what

    • 1,883
    • FAVS
    phalguynonfiltered_22APANCHALYPSENOWprincesssGRACEPushinWeightlgbk44Mitchel_HubbardSamePageDifDay
    • 1,321
    • RETWEETS
    phalguyprincesssGRACEmadhvibdrrentschlermav3yWhymessVenisValheadstrong_girl
    armyantstudiosDranoRaulpeachey_keenAdWoodyardREALityDUMBBazarComedySteveSuckingtonReverend_ScottRaoul_Duke_71LindaInDisguiseLookAwayMomDadmisterbrymo
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar

    • 1,809
    • FAVS
    phalguyworreleacarlyme23ObscureGentEllenPallasGeoroyoReeseButCallMeVPirateGurt
    • 1,390
    • RETWEETS
    phalguyArrogant_Twatkrishna_vanGeoroyoReeseButCallMeVsongsterrrEzyModeElsyBeath
    ContwixtBooFricketyHooBlondAmbitionTOnerdreigniheartgunts
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?

    • 1,847
    • FAVS
    facebookexiledallthingspoeticTalathornSavageAphroditephalguyPirateGurtlawyerthoughtsSourLemondsss
    • 1,237
    • RETWEETS
    davesaloisfacebookexiledSavageAphroditephalguynovicefatherRayzrRamone__MissvalCaKentWGraham
    TheTweetParrot_whatever88______bornmiserableSultani_SailsandroszrenigmaticmessRunJeffreyRunSarcastious
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The first rule of nap club is SHUT THE FUCK UP

    • 1,782
    • FAVS
    allthingspoeticDangerpusssclintgilhaint615phalguyTheMossman82LaBelleMaeashhhbrooke
    • 1,142
    • RETWEETS
    phalguymadhvibdTheMossman82TGILaurakerr_nadinemee_moeuselessgomezMis_Lissah
    JulieSnarkhendobeatz________ArroiaQwertyJones3DBMaxP
@theshamingofjay

@theshamingofjay

Just another asshole