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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job

    • 4,996
    • FAVS
    SerialFuckupPinguvsmeercatsBMmcmoneyRufaidaQJulie_McGann1dalriataTehwarsham1Bpatrick999999
    • 3,948
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealRHBRufaidaQJulie_McGann1Tehwarsham1m3hv33nNikaKthMs_WindPateurik1
    BeagirlNJBoozieEyedJoeChymeNewsGroperClevelandDonnie_FairburnPlaying_DadJB_4_RealzheatherjsReverend_ScottmichowlPaperWashMichaelLarrickTheRomanParkerDuke1173ExitThaWarriorArrowsOfTheSunvelvettuskWhiskeySoured__PortRooster__PostedandBeamedrevenge_tanukisWildeThingybbast6CuddleMyHeart____LizWhatsherfaceKalvinMacleodHollyMemphisspekulationSeanX3OliverGuardDog
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents

    • 4,699
    • FAVS
    lucidchemistrydrunktweets81nutbasket1947sighofaninjalittlelady899davidisnotrightavsummsjpkarlsson
    • 3,407
    • RETWEETS
    lucidchemistryAndDesistpencouragedrunktweets81itsmetrblittlelady899avsummsshopkins776
    Moi_RaRasmilely_galWindPushedGrassgvicksjifdendekkeAngryKoalaFruitJVarsityCaptainDani_FeldSavage_ScavangeNorthside_MikeNinjaFuneral______SoapyJohnsonArrowsOfTheSunThunder_Fart______ericonederfulRyncasaurusVillageShadow____MrsJekyllsHydetor_92_vPoliticallyILL1demented_Ashsamboriffickrissyerased______JorDAMN_SteveSuckingtonStrugglesBGbbDonnie_FairburnDBMaxPMatt_The_1stallisulliSwishergirl24
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Exclamation point rules

    ! - good
    !! - excited
    !!! - awesome
    !!!! - starting to get creepy
    !!!!! - cheerleader creepy
    !!!!!! - own 20 cats

    • 3,477
    • FAVS
    LittleLostPixieDadandBuriedTheRealRHBAndDesistdrunktweets81itsmetrblittlelady899ZoeeSom
    • 3,524
    • RETWEETS
    maidilmLittleLostPixieDankaSofiaDadandBuriedTheRealRHBAndDesistlittlelady899gsaenz597
    MikeZakarianuseful_wagon______llvvzzZatvomanConcernedSirGuyEmileeCaroNolaChef5041800RandygingerfaceddafloydstaI_Mee_Myself_SCBamaManShaunRightNowgrimpossibleBeagleEars406__Northside_Mikejeffreyvanclea1turndownfornapsSenorbrianMd
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    Me trying to turn off a ceiling fan

    • 3,541
    • FAVS
    LittleLostPixielaura_eurichnaggalieTheRealRHBgeatchespeachesJumbledButts99centimostr4shc4nlidnips
    • 2,159
    • RETWEETS
    Paulie212121TheRealRHBJumbledButtsiakim36_v2velvettuskHillypieProudFFAalumni__drunktweets81
    1bastardangelJosesLovesYouPetPinkElephantHarbinger_oneJamesonN7pbear79hipchkkkodeeezzzymediocregeeRappaRickGrumpyBahrXplodingUnicornGoofpoopsLindaInDisguiseDouchekevin
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

    • 2,863
    • FAVS
    lucidchemistrylittlelady899Robert0GeorgeMr_Kapowskialextheexplorershopkins776MandiAtRandom67orbust
    • 2,122
    • RETWEETS
    lucidchemistryTheRealRHBlittlelady899Mr_KapowskiKevinBuffaloshopkins77667orbustJedi_Zain
    SubPsychee__MrJeremyHornArroiaBlondAmbitionTOThunder_Fart______felixosheaDudeImShawnNicholey23GeminiJewJVarsityCaptainStevie_TalktylerisajokeTeowulfBarbz88Aredubbleyou______Shock_Monster__OreoSpeedwagon_Twisted_Mettlemahatmatweeteryou_can_touch____TheMongoose69iMikosnychmmthereiheartguntsToneLoOnTheGoleslid79__________bitchkrieg________HairyJew4LifeJohnny_Redonzo
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My cell phone battery dies quicker than a mother in a Disney movie

    • 2,771
    • FAVS
    OutOnTheMoorslucidchemistrySebastianTrappleaenawBubuHose_Mondenkind_der_doktor_Mofatempler
    • 1,980
    • RETWEETS
    OutOnTheMoorslucidchemistryZirkusdoktorinTheRealRHB_w0lfyJacksawyerrhazelmotes123_freckles
    Donnie_FairburnDanielRCarrilloBazarComedyJessObsessPlaying_DadjjwhalesshegotagronkbigmacheriAmJuddybelleahhWonderMonkey78MyFairCharityThe_MentalystGhostOfATrophy____BlACk__ThRoaTTaylormatronicsRyncasaurusPsycholane
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My son asked me what divorce was so I took half of his toys and when he started crying I took all of his money.

    • 2,441
    • FAVS
    TheRealRHBlittlelady899randomnloveitNot_A_Boob_Mangsaenz597sixfootcandyMr_KapowskiSweetgirl2679
    • 2,265
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealRHBlittlelady899Not_A_Boob_Mangsaenz597geishagigglesMr_KapowskichrisreidradioBrdnHatesYou
    BradBroaddusnewstart43Social_MimeVFlorrrVintageBabe1212McChucklenutsDouchekevinPlaying_DadDonnie_FairburnPaperWashericsshadowarmyVet1972shwebby3StarksWeek__
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves

    • 2,498
    • FAVS
    TheRealRHBlittlelady899OutofmyIndyheadDonnie_FairburnMr_KapowskiKevinBuffaloshopkins776BonniferC
    • 2,167
    • RETWEETS
    thedeadsquidTheRealRHBlittlelady899shopkins776JulesC70JuicedballsDickMarcskotkapuria
    r_wolfcastlejunkyardiganM3lissaMcDonaldstanleybehrmanaKhalifa101samborifficContradictEgo__Petotedapptrapmdob11iresurfvced__VaDawn13
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Stages of Twitter

    1) Follow celebrities
    2) Follow funny people
    3) Unfollow celebrities
    4) Realize you married the wrong person
    5) Die alone

    • 2,679
    • FAVS
    jrstandsupleahlovescheezttherateofNolaChef504JustFredaseriouslyamyAcademmissionAmber_duds
    • 1,750
    • RETWEETS
    leahlovescheezNolaChef504dr100raBHargavaDutch_Notchnicfit75philandher96JosiaArianapowpowkitty
    GoneInTheMornthexytharaHiddleDeeDeemjkspeaksCrunch11bSufficientCharmGoldishocksMouthOfSass__mindintheshadow__
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Some ugly person just called me shallow

    • 2,743
    • FAVS
    lions_tiedBlonde4DayztiReynardjrza84vexroidCourageDRDilemmaEmmaEmmaTashyP_
    • 1,620
    • RETWEETS
    lions_tiedBlonde4Dayzvexroidchiggerweedsmadgej2716liv_ec_atkkuusela34breely216
    candace_9871mysteryteacher
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes

    • 2,455
    • FAVS
    TheRealRHBVenisValBryceKillingtonjohnbiehlSaddestFingerImaFlyontheWallviolet_heartinbeefman138
    • 1,802
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealRHBVenisValdontwrryowlwaitDonnie_Fairburnbeefman138ADavidGambleshopkins776DickMarcs
    Dishy2101juneohara65jimmy_sharpeThrill_TweeterjeannerbeanerBCSkimaneesa_pDallaniHollyMemphislawyerthoughtsSonofConwayBigBob24266______
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you scan a barbwire tattoo at Walmart it unlocks a secret door to a room where hobos fight to the death for Toby Keith CDs

    • 2,394
    • FAVS
    beefman138skellingtonbabygsaenz597R1CC1KmcibtyarcherenemymoodtoothMr_Kapowski
    • 1,767
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138jelenaa1389skellingtonbabygsaenz597archerenemymoodtoothMr_KapowskiCharlotte0907
    SparkCityComedyBeagirlNJibid78rickkondell1BigMickBazarComedyLama911Gobshite_huntigulaDallani
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The true beauty of Twitter is when you read a tweet and think holy fuck I'm not the only one

    • 2,298
    • FAVS
    TheRealRHBStaceyShortcakeBrokeBaldiheartguntsArbitralArmymatt22Ms_Windbeefman138
    • 1,734
    • RETWEETS
    kourtneelynneLilMumma3454IAmSaidWhiskeybeefman138gsaenz597Cdn_BeauTeejcs527Mommy_Fab
    cocainemigraineWaterfallFrozenOldUncleDaveOwhathaveu1________The_Sculptresscloudybones
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Getting drunk is like having a 3rd base coach that waves you on no matter what

    • 2,392
    • FAVS
    fishy_smellsvikkaroniRICKSH0WTheRealRHBBeachyKeenBlondcaseytduncanjohnbiehlImaFlyontheWall
    • 1,623
    • RETWEETS
    fishy_smellsTheRealRHBcaseytduncanDonnie_FairburnProfessor_RyanNawyourecrazynurse_jennieMr_Kapowski
    alldrolleduparmyantstudiosDranoRaulpeachey_keenAdWoodyardREALityDUMBBazarComedySteveSuckingtonReverend_ScottRaoul_Duke_71LindaInDisguiseLookAwayMomDadmisterbrymo
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Dad - Hi
    Me - Hi
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad - You want to talk to Mom?

    Every phone conversation I've ever had with my Dad

    • 2,194
    • FAVS
    TheRealRHBxxxadryxxx_taroism_ItsAnnieHunnyash_broookejiffypops97PatrickMichelshopkins776
    • 1,302
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealRHBItsAnnieHunnyvalerie_tosiash_broookejiffypops97PatrickMichelshopkins776Jedi_Zain
    JamesonN7nerdculaContradictEgo__mrt1mHairyJew4Life
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Worried your tweet might offend someone?

    Send that shit

    People who shouldn't follow you will leave

    People who should will love you more

    • 1,892
    • FAVS
    TheRealRHBgi_problemchildshakenbakegurlmkayg3gem81xcantwitwontwitSanity_Ninjamjkspeaks
    • 1,424
    • RETWEETS
    mkayg3cantwitwontwitdavid_tullmstluvstrinketsKRISTINB5150BonJovi32hitgirl516gsaenz597
    GoldenSpiralsIrish_Red_33Prince_Madness1tehBoodha________GypsyJupiter__Ilovelamp1979Sparksy_TheDailySchmuck
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Marriage, because a fight about how you fold laundry should definitely escalate into why you're a worse person than Hitler

    • 1,973
    • FAVS
    TheRealRHBDonnie_FairburnMr_KapowskiJordan_AlainaProudFFAalumni__shopkins776shell_wardMandiAtRandom
    • 1,313
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealRHBProudFFAalumni__shopkins776shell_wardDiamondGirl127Jedi_ZainFloodyHippieheatherjs
    MrsJekyllsHydeKori_OkieDadsbustednuts____SeanX3nicfit75iheartguntsJaiWalker________
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?

    • 1,945
    • FAVS
    MichelleVitagrlTheRealRHBDonnie_FairburnMooinessMr_Kapowskishopkins776TribalSpaceCatBaeconTaco
    • 1,297
    • RETWEETS
    buchandarrMichelleVitagrlTheRealRHBshopkins776DiamondGirl127BaeconTacoLosLos__ShaeAaron
    TheTweetParrot_whatever88______bornmiserableSultani_SailsandroszrenigmaticmessRunJeffreyRunsxydangerousgrl
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar

    • 1,819
    • FAVS
    mrbiggforealTheRealRHBannabellabombbeefman138Mr_KapowskiMandiAtRandomJedi_ZainEarnieMacIntire
    • 1,395
    • RETWEETS
    mrbiggforealTheRealRHBbeefman138Mr_KapowskiJedi_Zaindannuggetshelbehraeraejjm7479
    ContwixtBooFricketyHooBlondAmbitionTOnerdreigniheartgunts
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The first rule of nap club is SHUT THE FUCK UP

    • 1,788
    • FAVS
    ms_snippety_Tempo11matt_travellingcandidartichokeseeing_voiceshereholddeezLoweStandards39Mr_Kapowski
    • 1,145
    • RETWEETS
    kayraeg_Tempo11matt_travellingcandidartichokeVYPURMr_KapowskiFlyJ_shoshannakeyser
    JulieSnarkhendobeatz________ArroiaQwertyJones3DBMaxP
@theshamingofjay

@theshamingofjay

Just another asshole

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