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  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job

    • 4,655
    • FAVS
    kasumuni_jejehochjustmalharMandiAtRandomTuppeemanJulienHorn67orbustBarW38
    • 3,709
    • RETWEETS
    kasumuni_jejehochTuppeemanZeldaDorant_PBody__valzhoganLisaLovesTacosJedi_Zain
    BeagirlNJBoozieEyedJoeChymeNewsGroperClevelandDonnie_FairburnPlaying_DadJB4RealzheatherjsReverend_ScottmichowlPaperWashMichaelLarrickTheRomanParkerDuke1173ExitThaWarriorArrowsOfTheSunvelvettuskWhiskeySoured__PortRooster__PostedandBeamedrevenge_tanukisWildeThingybbast6CuddleMyHeart____LizWhatsherfaceKalvinMacleodHollyMemphisspekulationSeanX3OliverGuardDog
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents

    • 4,691
    • FAVS
    da5idczJohnnyMojoNymphSamkasumuni_chompy_jrSoGoFuBenOnus_Kenobuscharrrllaa
    • 3,401
    • RETWEETS
    chompy_jrSoGoFucharrrllaaD_SizzAnna_MollyDSelaSmellaiMoizKhansadb0ycakes
    Moi_RaRasmilely_galWindPushedGrassgvicksjifdendekkeAngryKoalaFruitJVarsityCaptainDani_FeldSavage_ScavangeNorthside_MikeNinjaFuneral______SoapyJohnsonArrowsOfTheSunThunder_Fart______ericonederfulRyncasaurusVillageShadow____MrsJekyllsHydetor_92_vPoliticallyILL1demented_Ashsamboriffickrissyerased______JorDAMN_SteveSuckingtonStrugglesBGbbDonnie_FairburnDBMaxPMatt_The_1stallisulliSwishergirl24
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Exclamation point rules

    ! - good
    !! - excited
    !!! - awesome
    !!!! - starting to get creepy
    !!!!! - cheerleader creepy
    !!!!!! - own 20 cats

    • 3,470
    • FAVS
    justmalharMandiAtRandomSDPlissken1DickMarcs67orbustJedi_ZainTruculent671bastardangel
    • 3,518
    • RETWEETS
    DickMarcs67orbustJedi_ZainBeagirlNJTruculent671bastardangelDarkTallBastardDaSkwire
    MikeZakarianuseful_wagon______llvvzzZatvomanConcernedSirGuyEmileeCaroNolaChef5041800RandygingerfaceddafloydstaI_Mee_Myself_SCBamaManShaunRightNowgrimpossibleBeagleEars406__Northside_Mikejeffreyvanclea1turndownfornapsSenorbrianMd
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    *Pull

    *Pull

    *Pull

    FUCK

    Me trying to turn off a ceiling fan

    • 3,537
    • FAVS
    MandiAtRandomDocSlavetiffindramaWickedRapunzelMattOnFireUhohLolaJoanLyons667orbust
    • 2,155
    • RETWEETS
    CelsoPiazziDocSlavetiffindramaWickedRapunzelcocotteznolifecoachAxholetheGreatNorthern_Gents
    1bastardangelJosesLovesYouPetPinkElephantHarbinger_oneJamesonN7pbear79hipchkkkodeeezzzymediocregeeRappaRickGrumpyBahrXplodingUnicornGoofpoopsLindaInDisguiseDouchekevin
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

    • 2,859
    • FAVS
    MandiAtRandom67orbustJedi_ZainBeagirlNJCynchMoorebjaynash1bastardangelms_willow
    • 2,116
    • RETWEETS
    67orbustJedi_ZainCynchMooreTruculent671bastardangelhottampaJediGigims_willow
    SubPsychee__MrJeremyHornArroiaBlondAmbitionTOThunder_Fart______GrumpyCommentsDudeImShawnNicholey23GeminiJewJVarsityCaptainStevie_GainztylerisajokeTeowulfBarbz88Aredubbleyou______Shock_Monster__OreoSpeedwagon_Twisted_Mettlemahatmatweeteryou_can_touch____TheMongoose69iMikosnychmmwalshiheartguntsToneLoOnTheGoleslid79__________bitchkrieg________HairyJew4LifeJohnny_Redonzo
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My son asked me what divorce was so I took half of his toys and when he started crying I took all of his money.

    • 2,432
    • FAVS
    TheWholeJoelkasumuni_aaronupincognytoeRHicksjr777AsYouNotWishBwadWilliamsragingvet
    • 2,257
    • RETWEETS
    nanniesse_kasumuni_BwadWilliamsxChillerONExMs_WhateverV67orbustWhitehawkJokerMrBwalya
    newstart43Social_MimeVFlorrrVintageBabe1212DanorSlimDouchekevinPlaying_DadDonnie_FairburnPaperWashericsshadowarmyVet1972shwebby3StarksWeek__
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves

    • 2,492
    • FAVS
    DickMarcskotkapuriaUnrealRogueTheMrTinneydogwillhunt22Em_Kat44silvertongue37donutbesad
    • 2,164
    • RETWEETS
    DickMarcskotkapuriaUnrealRogueTheMrTinneydogwillhunt22silvertongue37readingtweets21Kopsekati
    r_wolfcastlejunkyardiganM3lissaMcDonaldstanleybehrmanaKhalifa101samborifficContradictEgo__Petotedapptrapmdob11theresurfacedVaDawn13
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    My cell phone battery dies quicker than a mother in a Disney movie

    • 2,540
    • FAVS
    MandiAtRandomDickMarcshitgirl516eliserose567orbustBoscoPorterJedi_ZainBeagirlNJ
    • 1,871
    • RETWEETS
    DickMarcseliserose5Jedi_ZainNotPeterStark_Alyssa_Jolie__beefman138noneofyours99thatspicegirl
    DanielRCarrilloBazarComedyJessObsessPlaying_DadjjwhalesshegotagronkbigmacheriAmJuddybelleahhWonderMonkey78MyFairCharityThe_MentalystGhostOfATrophy____BlACk__ThRoaTTaylormatronicsRyncasaurusPsycholane
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Stages of Twitter

    1) Follow celebrities
    2) Follow funny people
    3) Unfollow celebrities
    4) Realize you married the wrong person
    5) Die alone

    • 2,599
    • FAVS
    MandiAtRandomJust_Bond_007Rachologyfarleftcoasteliserose567orbustJedi_Zainimabbylouise
    • 1,704
    • RETWEETS
    DickMarcseliserose5mashal1144Jedi_ZaindavehoseyBaldyLockzzPoiznSongbirdClamDive
    GoneInTheMornthexytharaHiddleDeeDeemjkspeaksCrunch11bSufficientCharmGoldishocksMouthOfSassmindintheshadow
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes

    • 2,451
    • FAVS
    kool_eggMandiAtRandomDickMarcsTheSweetestD_Pippersheeneliserose567orbustJedi_Zain
    • 1,797
    • RETWEETS
    DickMarcsPippersheeneliserose567orbustJedi_Zain1bastardangelAvaGrace15CommonSavant
    Dishy2101juneohara65jimmy_sharpeThrill_TweeterjeannerbeanerBCSkimaneesa_pDallaniHollyMemphislawyerthoughtsSonofConwayBigBob24266______
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you scan a barbwire tattoo at Walmart it unlocks a secret door to a room where hobos fight to the death for Toby Keith CDs

    • 2,391
    • FAVS
    jejehochneomomsTuppeeman67orbustTateRyannabhorrent_wifeCrunk_JewsTerror_85
    • 1,764
    • RETWEETS
    jejehochTuppeemanTateRyannCrunk_JewsTerror_85heatherlou_bgirl314KasieMarie83
    SparkCityComedyBeagirlNJibid78rickkondell1BigMickBazarComedyLama911Gobshite_huntigulaDallani
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The true beauty of Twitter is when you read a tweet and think holy fuck I'm not the only one

    • 2,274
    • FAVS
    MandiAtRandomDickMarcsincognytoe67orbustjglaser_81365BeagirlNJMorganlizbeth81nolifecoach
    • 1,731
    • RETWEETS
    DickMarcs67orbustjglaser_81365Mandajojo6Mind_fukknolifecoachEykisgirlontapas
    cocainemigraineWaterfallFrozenOldUncleDaveOwhathaveu1________The_Sculptresscloudybones
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Getting drunk is like having a 3rd base coach that waves you on no matter what

    • 2,355
    • FAVS
    MandiAtRandomWhoopdeedoo22davetureqJedi_ZainlazerdoovCrazyJayney_RohitKohli236Nutella_Vodka
    • 1,610
    • RETWEETS
    davetureqRohitKohli236CrazyJayney_Nutella_VodkaDishy2101klmitznyegrantgirl2004FrasierSein
    alldrolleduparmyantstudiosDranoRaulpeachey_keenAdWoodyardREALityDUMBBazarComedySteveSuckingtonReverend_ScottRaoul_Duke_71LindaInDisguiseLookAwayMomDad__misterbrymo
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Some ugly person just called me shallow

    • 2,334
    • FAVS
    herrgnervtviolet_heartinporkycClubthumbTheCattyLadybitchvillehllauzonUrebarif
    • 1,349
    • RETWEETS
    porkycClubthumbTheCattyLadyMrsFuknBanksglamerizemeadamgordoncaseyvadersaladScareesheree
    candace_9871mysteryteacher
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Dad - Hi
    Me - Hi
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad -
    Me -
    Dad - You want to talk to Mom?

    Every phone conversation I've ever had with my Dad

    • 2,192
    • FAVS
    MandiAtRandom67orbustJedi_ZainAutumnSkye13Battyboy_69PanicRestroombakonutrevious
    • 1,300
    • RETWEETS
    Jedi_ZainAutumnSkye13Cammille26SlipperySecretauburnjasonDhruv_RS__PBody__valzhogan
    JamesonN7nerdculaContradictEgo__mrt1mHairyJew4Life
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Worried your tweet might offend someone?

    Send that shit

    People who shouldn't follow you will leave

    People who should will love you more

    • 1,889
    • FAVS
    MandiAtRandom67orbustJedi_ZainGroperClevelandacadiekellihighxpectation2HeltonKGoinsSecureSam
    • 1,422
    • RETWEETS
    Jedi_ZainHeltonKGoinsMACHIN1STGinRumMeNorCalBrattSSourblondieAnonMastaOfMp3sjewelofark
    GoldenSpiralsIrish_Red_33Prince_Madness1tehBoodha________GypsyJupiter__Ilovelamp1979Sparksy_TheDailySchmuck
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Marriage, because a fight about how you fold laundry should definitely escalate into why you're a worse person than Hitler

    • 1,969
    • FAVS
    MandiAtRandom67orbusttddfnJedi_ZainTwisted_MettleFloodyHippieOlofsonArcadeheatherjs
    • 1,310
    • RETWEETS
    Jedi_ZainFloodyHippieheatherjsBeagirlNJJangusoneB_poling82ManderbationiMikeZero
    MrsJekyllsHydeKori_OkieDadsbustednuts____SeanX3nicfit75iheartguntsJaiWalker________
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?

    • 1,941
    • FAVS
    TribalSpaceCatBaeconTacoJ_______K______McOnionButtminnie_in_pink7Freddy_MashfunnybeachgirlDarlainky
    • 1,294
    • RETWEETS
    BaeconTacoLosLos__ShaeAaronminnie_in_pink7archerenemyDarlainkyjustme_Debbideisyxox
    TheTweetParrot_whatever88______bornmiserableSultani_SailsandroszrenigmaticmessRunJeffreyRunsxydangerousgrl
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar

    • 1,816
    • FAVS
    MandiAtRandomJedi_ZainEarnieMacIntireMandajojo6hitgirl516HungryLittleBuguncybillizedGirl_Censored
    • 1,392
    • RETWEETS
    Jedi_Zaindannuggetshelbehraeraejjm7479Girl_CensoredphalguyArrogant_Twatkrishna_van
    ContwixtBooFricketyHooBlondAmbitionTOnerdreigniheartgunts
  • theshamingofjay
      Jay @theshamingofjay

    The first rule of nap club is SHUT THE FUCK UP

    • 1,787
    • FAVS
    NorskwegianMandiAtRandomEVILnSHITsmashbrown_NuclearBlonde77PurpleCatJewelsAli_KouraniJana__3
    • 1,144
    • RETWEETS
    FlyJ_shoshannakeyserPurpleCatJewelsJana__3esistbrittnolifecoachiinkedZombiephalguy
    JulieSnarkhendobeatz________ArroiaQwertyJones3DBMaxP
@theshamingofjay

@theshamingofjay

Just another asshole