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Save an icicle in your refrigerator so when summer comes and you're bitching because it's too hot you can stab yourself in the eye.
I before E except after C just like unt after you marry.
Call me when they find a cure for Jim Parsons voice.
Jesus: they're having too much sex
God: give them warts
Jesus: didn't work
God: burn when they pee
Doctor: you have cancer.
Suge Knight: you sure?
Cancer: no way, I'm not messing with him.
Doctor: You have heart disease because of poor eating habits.
Suge Knight: WHAT???
Doctor: Whoops, wrong chart. You're perfectly healthy.
Look at that dumb dog chasing his tail. Doesn't he realize how pointless it is?
*checks Twitter, Instagram and Facebook again*
Congratulations on pretending hard liquor is delicious. You're an adult now.
Welcome to You Blew It Club
Pete Best: Hi
Bill Buckner: Hey
Kim Kardashian: I'm rich, why am I here
Pete Carroll: How'd u get famous
My brother just got promoted to Vice President of his company. I've had the Tiny Toons theme song in my head for the past week.
The "birds and bees" talk has been replaced with "selfies and emojis"
*life event occurs
*is mentally prepared for it 15 years later
Doctor: Would you say you have a healthy diet?
Me: *eats piece of bacon from pocket* define "healthy"
The UFC women's title fight was done in 14 seconds leading all the men in the audience to think "oh, that's what it's like"
I just hope that when I find my TV remote my will to live is also there.
80% of a parents vocabulary is just repeating their kid's names until they finally listen.
Knife so dull it tells you about its weekend trip to the craft fair.
Just another asshole
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