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My phone died today. I hope it meets up with my soul in hell.
*whispers under breath* So sorry for your loss
*shakes hands* Congratulations on getting married! What a beautiful ceremony!!
I thought I was actually having feelings for a second but then I realized it was just that I finished my cheeseburger.
Stages of Twitter
1) Follow celebrities
2) Follow funny people
3) Unfollow celebrities
4) Realize you married the wrong person
5) Die alone
I really hate being so positive.
*taps coworker on the shoulder* you type too loud
Shark week is every week that you get a bill from your divorce lawyer.
My son asked a question I've been dreading. I let him know if he chooses that "team" he's disowned. I don't expect to see a DC comic again.
Divorce is like hitting the reset button on Super Mario Bros except now you pay for the Princess's castle and hope Bowser kills you.
No one knows what they're doing in this life, some are just better at acting like they do.