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[switching between 4 different social media apps every 5 minutes] well this is awful
God: since I love you I will free you from slavery
Moses: couldnt you just not have made us slaves
God: or I could kill all of ur first born
[Satan watching person in a Mercedes backing into a parking space] hey Hitler, guess who's getting a roommate
Prince would have hated your RIP tweet with the dearly beloved lyrics.
Social Media Response To Celebrity Deaths
1) race to be first one to post
2) heartfelt post on how much they meant to you
3) crying selfie
At most you knew Purple Rain and maybe the Chapelle sketch, calm the fuck down.
And it was after your grandma sent me a snapchat with the dog filter that I knew we were in love.
Pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth, poverty, women - Donald Trumps 7 deadly sins
[Donald Trump watching Snow White] where are the other two dwarves?
[Donald Trump leaving baseball game in the 7th inning] good game, weird that they ended it with a tie though
[Donald Trump crying in front of his burned down mansion] but I dialed 711 and no one came
The nice thing about being dead behind the eyes is that people don't bother you on the subway.
Commenting on girls selfies until one of them responds so I can DM them a pic of my genitalia. Loving dad of 3. Kik: luvtits
Our forefathers didn't fight and die for our rights for you to vote and not post proof of it with a Snapchat filter.
like you've never seen a whale pong screen saver during a baseball game before https://twitter.com/deadspin/status/722216322642362368 …
*naps for 2 hours*
*can't sleep for the next 2 weeks*
Some people won't vote for Bernie Sanders strictly for 4 years of Larry David doing him on SNL. I have nothing in common with these people.
[brings Jenga to anxiety support group]
Just another asshole
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