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Don't be sad because it's over, be happy because the Yankees lost.
Probably my saddest moment as an adult was googling to find out what the Snapchat emojis mean.
Wait a second, you mean people who are awful in real life are actually worse in an anonymous forum with no consequences? I can't believe it.
I see my old tweets and I'm embarrassed like my new ones aren't god awful.
Son: Do I change my jersey now Dad?
Dad: No son, of course not. We're Yankees fans, we wait until the games over then pick who to root for.
Probably my proudest accomplishment as an adult is that I don't know what channel MTV is.
If I was the person who I think I am in my head I'd either be amazing or a complete douchebag. In reality I fall somewhere in between.
Me: Siri, delete Twitter again.
Siri: oh go fuck yourself.
*deletes because worried people don't realize it's not a real horoscope*
[mailing out save the dates for my nervous breakdown]
Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves
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