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If dogs had snapchat the human filter would just be a phone that covered their entire face.
In 100 years religions will be based on what emojis you use for sexual innuendo.
Wait a sec, just wait a fucking second. You'll read someone's tweet if they donate to a charity?? Holy shit. Cancer doesn't stand a chance.
People vastly over estimate my intelligence when they tell me a book is a "quick read"
[girlfiend watching Curb your Enthusiasm] can you handle dealing with 40 years of this with someone who is angrier and not as funny?
Boss: we need to talk
Me: the selfies?
Me: inappropriate emails?
B: I felt you've been distracted
Me: That's weird
Brain: you need to get your life together
Me: yes I agree
Me: [checking 5 different apps all day everyday] what?
[guy about to comment with the heart eye emoji on a girl's selfie] guess I'll be having sex with her later
My 5 yo told me he had to poop but that he could hold it 3 minutes. He then counted to 3 and told me we were in trouble.
I liked when you posted a selfie with every single snapchat filter in a row but I LOVED when you posted them all again on Instagram.
5: I cant sleep I'm scared of monsters
Me: I cant sleep bc I'm thinking of something I said in 7th grade
Me: yes you can sleep in my bed
[girlfriend asks to substitute vegetables for fries] et tu Brute?
[guy at jewelry store looking for something for his wife]
"What number Instagram account are you on?"
"The diamonds are over here"
[Holden Caulfield blocking everyone who responded to the tbt pic of his brother with a blue heart]
Every time a married person puts their Snapchat profile picture on Instagram a divorce attorney puts a down payment on a beach house.
Please respond to your own tweet within 3 minutes, it definitely didn't get the recognition it deserved.
[makes social miscue that no one else in a million years would ever notice] my brain: okay yes, this is good material for the next decade
Just another asshole
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