Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Just waiting for the text from my ex-wife telling me the blizzard was my fault.
Me: I'm getting a cat.
Me: from a shelter.
Dad: anything else?
Me: I'm not gay.
Couch is Latin for married man's bed.
I was going to start my diet today but I couldn't unlock my phone and get to My Fitness Pal because of grease on my fingers.
Me: man today sucked.
Brain: ikr, wanna eat a block of cheddar cheese?
Me: ummm duh.
Stomach: oh fuck you guys.
Relax weatherman, we get it, it's going to snow.
I know you said "I don't like Seinfeld" but all I heard was "I'm an anti-Semite"
News: BLIZZARD WARNING. WORST STORM WE HAVE SEEN IN YEARS. STAY INSIDE. DO NOT DRIVE.
My job: Looks like flurries, see you at the office.
At this point all mirrors should just be iPads. Let's cut out the middleman.
1% milk is just milk that controls the United States.
Future Me: I'm u from the future, u need to change
Past Me: I got fat
FM: Are u listening?
PM: No, I'm in AOL chat
FM: I got what I deserved
- me when I open my phone camera, not realizing I left it on selfie mode
Went on a hike in the woods today to get away from it all. Sent 5 tweets, took 15 snaps and uploaded 3 selfies to Instagram.