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The larger a guys wheels on his truck the smaller the percentage he will send you a dick pic.
I'm so tired I'm going to sleep like a rock tonight.
*cut to me sleeping and making an awful movie*
Me: I should probably go into work this weekend and catch up.
Brain: You know, I don't see it happening.
Tweeting on a Saturday night like I'm not world famous on the internet.
My son asked what marriage was. I said to hold on bc I was doing something. He had a temper tantrum. Told him he answered his own question.
Saw a hot girl in Brooklyn today on the subway, long sexy legs in skinny jeans. Looked up and it was a dude that looked like Fred Armisen.
Alight you guys, who told middle aged women about nose rings?
Me: I'm going to get a fedora.
Brain: Are you sure?
Me: Why not? It's timeless.
Brain: Okay, go for it.
Penis: You guys hate me don't you?
*analyzes my life*
Ohhhhhh, so that's why you're supposed to pay attention in school.
*zombies walk into my job*
*leave in search for living humans*
Worst people ever born
2) Bin Laden
3) People who sent all of their Snapchat pictures directly to you and to their story.
I lost my white sunglasses and somewhere in hell a devil got his horns.
My hobbies include photography and over analyzing things I said in elementary school.
A neighborhood watch list but for people who eat sandwiches without potato chips.
"Ohhh fuck you" - me to a flight of stairs
My life is more out of control than a first grade art teacher's hair.
My life is more out of control than a first grade teacher's hair.
Just another asshole
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