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"Am I having a nervous breakdown?" I whisper to the microwave.
I like my calories like my soul, empty.
I just liked three of your selfies, stop pretending like you didn't know we're dating.
It's amazing how such strong words can come from a weak soul.
I avoid my ex like the plague. Actually the plague doesn't seem that bad.
I was upset at myself today for wearing suede sneakers in the rain if any of you ladies are looking for a man's man.
I took a selfie with white sunglasses on and Siri told me that she quit.
If being constantly tired, super emotional and always craving bad foods means you're pregnant I've been carrying a baby for 34 years.
My life is just a series of moments of me suppressing my instinct to act like an asshole.
Google maps should add 15 minutes to their directions for anxiety.
Monday is my favorite time to blame all of my terrible life decisions on a day of the week.
If you don't post a screenshot of the receipt for your iPhone 6 how am I supposed to know that you're better than me.