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*eats all of the cheese before the guests arrive*
*snapchats entire Step Brothers movie*
Son there comes a day in every mans life when he has to tell his mom she cant like her own IG pictures. Now I don't want to so go tell nana.
The lengths that I go to in order to avoid other human beings is astounding.
Dermatologist said eating cheese causes acne. Cardiologist claims heart disease. Looks like I'll be getting Proactiv and a defibrillator.
Ugh I wish the people who I post my business online to daily would just mind their own fucking business.
I have male resting bitch face or as I like to call it trying my hardest not to say things that will get me fired face.
Co-worker: just living the dream
Me: were you murdered in it?
Me: oh right, that's my dream
I'm so down to earth that sometimes my friends forget they're dealing with an internet sensation.
I was late to work today because I made a Snapchat video of Charlie and Dennis singing Dayman. So yes my 30s are going exactly as planned.
I don't like to think of it as rage. It's just CrossFit for my heart.
Of course I know what I'm thinking is wrong. That's why I hate myself after. Don't you know how self loathing works?
Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves
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