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Sorry is my favorite game that teaches kids to be condescending assholes.
*fills out application for black Twitter*
I can't believe there's not a girl out there who will love me for who I am, a narcissistic asshole with debilitating self esteem issues.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.... or.....sad....or....happy. Pretty much anytime. I'm a dick.
Is Instagram down?!?!? I haven't got any likes. - me three seconds after posting a selfie
It's almost fall, time to start lying to myself about getting in shape for next summer.
Of course I'm fatter than my avi, what kind of monster do you think I am?
Set my work away message to Enjoy Your Baebor Day Weekend if you're wondering about my commitment to being an asshole.
I know the answer to my problems isn't in this cheeseburger but that's not going to stop me from trying to find it there.
It'll have to wait, I'm pretending I'm important on the internet.
I'm two great parents away from offering to spit shine your windshield.
How can I get my cleavage in this hashtag that's supposed to be about my mouth? - girls on Instagram
I get the back to school feeling everyday when I go to work with a pimple on my nose, behind on my work, wondering what the hell I'm doing.
When my kids grow older and figure out I don't have allergies I'm not going to be able to watch Toy Story with them anymore.
Junk food because avoiding feelings shouldn't be limited to going on social media.
Her- Stop being so petty.
Me- Don't come around here no more American girl. I'm a rebel without a cause and I'm going into the great wide o
I AM A GOLDEN GOD
*passes out in Chuck E. Cheese ball pit*