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If I can't drink it, smoke it, eat it, or fuck it, it better be bringing me something to drink, smoke, eat or fuck.
If my wife ever finds out about my girlfriend, she'll be surprised to find out they're the same person with different blood alcohol content
I've had these girl scouts caged in the garage for a month and they still haven't laid any cookies.
Next time she yells, "Deeper!", yell, "Tighter!".
If I see you looking at your phone and laughing in public, I'll guess that you're following my tweets, and give you a surprise hug.
don't star me, RT me, i like spreading madness not rolling around in my own shit
If your parents say, "You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up", remind them that they'll have to die for you to be Batman.
I like letting mosquitoes fill their bellies with my blood. Then I watch them die of alcohol poisoning and laugh.
She swallowed your load but you won't eat a bloody pussy? Man up or she'll own you at Fear Factor.
If you're upset that Rockem Sockem Robots is being called Real Steel, remember that Hungry Hungry Hippos is now The View.
Flinging poo at a monkey in the zoo will get you kicked out, even if the monkey started it.
I wanted to get her something she'd look beautiful in, so I got her a mirror.
The fastest creature on earth is an unobserved toddler.
I'm too lazy to be a stalker. You'll have to come here. Bring coffee.
Victoria's Secret is, "no matter how much you spend on lingerie, men prefer you naked."
I only go jogging so I can be the one to find the bodies in the park.
Telling me that there is, "No Smoking." while I'm smoking, is a good way to start a three minute argument while I finish my cigarette.
Facebook has poke, twitter should have a smack on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
The followers who use the star button to mark tweets as "read", I could use more of you. Thanks!
I'm on the best diet! When I think of food, I take 3 shots of tequila. This week I've lost 15 lbs, my license, my car, and all my clothes.