Next time you're on an elevator with a stranger say, "If the doors open and it's all zombies, let's team up."

I go to the gym so infrequently that I still call it the James.

Must be confusing for Sean Connery's grandchildren when he asks them to "Come shit on my lap."

Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

"I've got 99 problems and I'm not dealing with any of them." (Lay-Z)

The speed at which you walk into the liquor store says a lot about you as a person.

Axl Rose canceled a few tour dates. All that running around on stage has really hurt his back and his sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na knees.

Don't worry, Romney. You'll make a great Jeopardy answer someday.

More like Destiny's Mom.

Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing.

Anyone who defended guns today, you are one of history's losers. You are a 1960s segregationist. You are a Beatles record burner.

Let us never forget on this day the heroic men who holy shit TOUCHDOWN!!

Already preparing my "I'm ok just watching others kiss at midnight" face.

Glad my parents spent 100k on my education so now I can type "c u @ 2" to my pot guy.

I think church and state are secretly fucking.

Just look at the one picture I show you on my phone. Don't scroll to the next one.

I'm just glad it wasn't the "there's an asteroid we can't stop" speech.

Next time your in a silent elevator ride with a stranger, turn to her and say, "I'm sorry we're fighting."

You are not special. There is no plan for you. Nothing happens for a reason. Just try not to die and shut up.

My dad's birthday present to me is a framed photo of him. I didn't dream this. This happened. pic.twitter.com/jVy4DRed