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Next time you're on an elevator with a stranger say, "If the doors open and it's all zombies, let's team up."
I go to the gym so infrequently that I still call it the James.
Must be confusing for Sean Connery's grandchildren when he asks them to "Come shit on my lap."
"I've got 99 problems and I'm not dealing with any of them." (Lay-Z)
Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.
The asshole in front of me is texting and driving right as I'm tweeting this.
Axl Rose canceled a few tour dates. All that running around on stage has really hurt his back and his sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na knees.
The speed at which you walk into the liquor store says a lot about you as a person.
Don't worry, Romney. You'll make a great Jeopardy answer someday.
Dear Coca Cola, we're aware of you. Spend money on other stuff.
More like Destiny's Mom.
Let us never forget on this day the heroic men who holy shit TOUCHDOWN!!
Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing.
Anyone who defended guns today, you are one of history's losers. You are a 1960s segregationist. You are a Beatles record burner.
Next time your in a silent elevator ride with a stranger, turn to her and say, "I'm sorry we're fighting."
Already preparing my "I'm ok just watching others kiss at midnight" face.
I love that Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono don't follow each other on here.
Don't get cute with the live version of your song. We like the one on the album.