Twitter is sweatpants for my brain.

Sorry, I just dropped the phone. Are all of you guys okay in there?

For every time this tweet gets RTed, I'll put some money aside to buy myself some vodka.

My boyfriend thinks I'm not funny. Whatever, at least I'm a real person.

Let's have meaningless sex until it means something.

If you love someone, throw your phone away.

Guys, relax! I just found out that absolutely nothing changes in your life whether 1, 10 or 100 people star your tweet.

People who don't find me funny are ugly.

When you're feeling sad because no one loves you remember that no one cares about that either.

I don't understand how waiting for you in your bed could be wrong after you had posted your location and starred all my tweets.

Stop being stupid and fall in love with me like a normal person.

Me and this bag of chips are telling the skinny me goodbye forever. We've never actually met her, but she's probably a bitch anyway.

Let me know when you're lonely enough to love me back.

There's never too much cleavage. Sometimes though there's not enough dress.

Saying nice things is awesome because it's for free and makes people forget to hate themselves for a while.

It doesn't matter what other people think as long as strangers on the internet say you're funny.

Of all the wrong places to look for love, twitter is the most promising.

I hate you so much, after the next 37 messages I'll never talk to you again.

I'm afraid the number of things I find annoying in other people is starting to make social relationships impossible.

If you like someone, you should just take a chance and tell them. But remember, if they don't like you back, you have to kill them.